Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[At the Lorenz house, the doctor quietly re-enters the secret passage in the wardrobe cabinet in Pat's room.]
Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.
Servo [as Lorenz]: I've got to go back here and talk to the Lion and the Witch.
[At the park, Mitchell shoots man in the leg.]
Crow: Daryl Gates on his day off.
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: He's landed just short of the green.
Servo [as Other Golfers]: Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!
Crow: Daryl Gates on his day off.
Crow [as Golf Sportscaster]: He's landed just short of the green.
Servo [as Other Golfers]: Can you hurry it up, we've got a head wound back here!
[At the spaceship landing site, reporters laugh at little sister Tomoko. She walks away, crestfallen.]
Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!
Joel [as Tomoko]: [in psychotic child voice] When the whip comes down, you will see who rules, you twisted old fruit!
[At the very beginning of the short]
Narrator: This is the fairground, where the fair is held.
Servo: Any questions so far?
Narrator: This is the fairground, where the fair is held.
Servo: Any questions so far?
[At the very end of the movie, as Vicki is leaving Hargrove's farm, a man in a bowler hat walks in from out of nowhere. Then the credits roll.]
Crow [confused]: All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this?
Servo: Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"?
Crow [confused]: All right, start smoochin', movie! What the hell is this?
Servo: Is there going to be a credit that says "Guy At The End"?
[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]
Joel: I don't believe it -- they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.
Joel: I don't believe it -- they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.
[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]
Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.
Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.
Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.
Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.
[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]
Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!
Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point!
Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!
Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point!
[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]
Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!
Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
. . .
Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator!
Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!
Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
. . .
Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator!
[Aztec priest Vadinho advises "Puma Man" Tony on his flying powers.]
Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does.
Crow [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Castaneda.
Vadinho: You do not fly, but your mind does.
Crow [as Tony]: Yeah, thanks, Castaneda.
[Babs and Nelly get into a fight, tumbling on the floor.]
Mike: Man, they're future governors of Minnesota!
Mike: Man, they're future governors of Minnesota!
[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]
General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?
General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?
[Bad guy Palermo, disguised as a robed priest, runs from Geronimo.]
Mike: Guess he's a... felonious monk!
. . .
Servo [as Palermo]: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!
Mike: Guess he's a... felonious monk!
. . .
Servo [as Palermo]: I'm gonna nail some theses to his head!
[Balancing on another person, a man helps a woman to stand on his shoulders.]
Crow: The act was outlawed on several continents!
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!
. . .
Crow: Flipped her off.
Crow: The act was outlawed on several continents!
Servo [as Narrator]: Yes, it's the man who mistook his wife for a hat!
. . .
Crow: Flipped her off.
[Balleau finally meets his end after being impaled on one of his trophy stands.]
Mike: Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", then this would be ironic.
Mike: Now, see, if earlier in the film this guy had said "I'll never be impaled on my own rack", then this would be ironic.