Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[A crowd of "teens" watch the fight]
Mike: And the 35-year-old high school students look on.
Mike: And the 35-year-old high school students look on.
[A desolate prehistoric valley is shown.]
Crow: How green was my valley?
Joel: Not very.
Crow: How green was my valley?
Joel: Not very.
[A dishevelled Hamlet with mussed hair ominously approaches Ophelia.]
Servo [as Hamlet]: Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.
. . .
[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]
Mike [as Hamlet]: [in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit -- woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.
Servo [as Hamlet]: Ugh. I stuck a fork in the outlet.
. . .
[Hamlet stares intently at Ophelia, then puts a hand to his head.]
Mike [as Hamlet]: [in stoner voice] Oh, man. Me and Horatio got blasted on aquavit -- woke up on the express bus to Copenhagen.
[A door opens, revealing Retik, ruler of the moon, and two identically dressed minions.]
Crow [as Retik/Larry]: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.
Crow [as Retik/Larry]: I am Orkon. This is my brother Xenon and my other brother Xenon.
[A drunken Bobby makes crude comments about the dancers.]
Joe: For you, the worst girl in the world is too good.
Servo [as Bobby]: But I like Tonya Harding!
. . .
[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]
Servo [as Bobby]: Boy! Defending my misogyny really takes commitment!
Joe: For you, the worst girl in the world is too good.
Servo [as Bobby]: But I like Tonya Harding!
. . .
[After Joe and Bobby fight, then laugh it off, Bobby stumbles out of the cabin for a date.]
Servo [as Bobby]: Boy! Defending my misogyny really takes commitment!
[A drunken Cain attempts to kiss Erika.]
Cain: [drunkenly] You got brown eyes...
Servo [as Cain]: [drunkenly] An' you got a neck.
. . .
Tom [as Cain]: Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!
Cain: [drunkenly] You got brown eyes...
Servo [as Cain]: [drunkenly] An' you got a neck.
. . .
Tom [as Cain]: Booze has knighted me King Of The Lovers!
[A farmer is walking his cow into a barn.]
Farmer: Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
Servo: Mercy?
Farmer: ...there wouldn't be all this�� this chasing.
Mike [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me.
Farmer: Mercy, if... if you'd come in like the rest of them...
Servo: Mercy?
Farmer: ...there wouldn't be all this�� this chasing.
Mike [as Mercy]: Yeah, milk me.
[A fight scene has broken out.]
Mike: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?
Mike: Well, it's not a plot point... and it's not an action sequence... so what is it?
[A fighter pilot drops a bomb from his plane; it hits the testing range and a second stage flies out of the bomb as if on a spring.]
Crow: Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
Servo: It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!
Mike: Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
Crow: It landed on Pig-Pen!
Crow: Sproioioioing! Bd-d-d-d-d-d...
Servo: It's the new Air Force Goofy Bomb, from Wham-O!
Mike: Yeah, go ahead and laugh; there's a kitty in that bomb.
[The bomb lands and explodes in a cloud of dust.]
Crow: It landed on Pig-Pen!
[A figure leisurely lopes through a graveyard.]
Crow [as figure]: Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate.
. . .
Mike: Heh... you know, people are just dying to--
Tom: [sharply] No.
Mike: ...Sorry.
. . .
[Troy visits his father's grave.]
Troy: [voiceover] Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
Mike [as Troy's Father]: I died.
Crow [as figure]: Well, I better get back to my grave; sun's been up an hour, I'm startin' to disintegrate.
. . .
Mike: Heh... you know, people are just dying to--
Tom: [sharply] No.
Mike: ...Sorry.
. . .
[Troy visits his father's grave.]
Troy: [voiceover] Hello, Dad. It's been a long time. And I miss you. I want to know what happened to you.
Mike [as Troy's Father]: I died.
[A fire is being used as a background for the opening credits.]
Crow: Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]
Crow: Fire in the projection room! Guess we can't watch the movie!
[Crow darts toward the exit but is restrained by Mike.]
[a flashback reveals Dudley's past poor delivery habits]
Bill Dudley: Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
Servo [as Dudley]: Watch me come on to a grocer.
. . .
[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]
Dudley: Hey, something new! [pushes cart experimentally]
Mike [as Dudley]: Be a shame if this ran over your kid...
Bill Dudley: Today, I go after a grocer's goodwill a little different.
Servo [as Dudley]: Watch me come on to a grocer.
. . .
[Dudley tries to impress grocer Mr. Marco by complimenting his new carts]
Dudley: Hey, something new! [pushes cart experimentally]
Mike [as Dudley]: Be a shame if this ran over your kid...
[A flock of chickens is hastily gathered around a feeding trough. One of them is actually standing in the trough.]
Servo [as chicken]: Betty, must you sit in dinner?
Servo [as chicken]: Betty, must you sit in dinner?
[A football game is starting.]
Servo: Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.
Joel [as audience member]: Play "Whipping Post"!
[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]
Crow: [in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you!
[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!
Servo: Hey, look! It's the Woodstock of the 50s! Vic Damone's on next.
Joel [as audience member]: Play "Whipping Post"!
[A band leader with a fuzzy hat is marching forward.]
Crow: [in marching cadence] I'm a Q-tip, what are you!
[During the game, two cheerleaders gesture downward with with pom-poms.]
Joel, Crow, Servo [as Cheerleaders]: Look, look, look at my crotch. Look, look look at my crotch. Loooook at my crotch. Yay!
[A giant scorpion derails the train, cars piling on top of each other.]
Crow [as Tour Guide]: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train��
Servo [as Scorpion]: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.
[The passengers flee the train.]
Joel [as Company Rep]: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused�� This rarely ever happens.
Season 2
Crow [as Tour Guide]: Now, if you'll look out the left side of your train, you'll see the right side of the train��
Servo [as Scorpion]: Mmm-mmm! Canned people. Mmm. Scorpions just love trains.
[The passengers flee the train.]
Joel [as Company Rep]: Uh, we at Amtrak would like to apologize for any inconvenience it might have caused�� This rarely ever happens.
Season 2