Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[A car pulls up next to drug-dealing Buz and a middle-aged gentleman in a suit steps out]
Mike [as Man]: [politely] Excuse me, young man--can I get a "fix"?
[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]
Servo [as Man]: No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"
Mike [as Man]: [politely] Excuse me, young man--can I get a "fix"?
[Buz starts to run away. The man gives chase.]
Servo [as Man]: No really, I'm very high-strung and in need of some "Mary Jane" or "reefers!"
[A caravan guarding a shipment of money is traveling along a road, to the sound of peppy surf-rock music.]
Crow:Y'know, this music would be better with women in bikinis shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really.
Crow:Y'know, this music would be better with women in bikinis shaking it all over the place... Well, I guess that's true of any music, really.
[A card after the prologue and credits reads "Seven Years Later".]
Servo: Seven years after the credits?
Mike: [confused] I guess.
Servo: Seven years after the credits?
Mike: [confused] I guess.
[A caroling on the SOL has broken into a riot.]
Magic Voice: We'll be right back... I think. Noel!
Magic Voice: We'll be right back... I think. Noel!
[A char-broiled paparazzi photographer is taunting Diana about some incriminating photos that he took of her and the Mayor.]
Servo [as Diana]: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor!
Servo [as Diana]: Doctor, I think we got our blood donor!
[A character is spending the scene fiddling with his glasses]
Crow: Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY!
Crow: Just between the three of us, my glasses are FILTHY!
[a clip is shown from Forrest Gump ]
Forrest's Mother: Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get!
[cut back to Servo & Crow]
Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, "Life is a like box of chocolates"? Well I got a better analogy! "Life is like a crap sandwich! The more bread you got, the less crap you gotta take!" Sheesh!
Forrest's Mother: Life is like a box of chocolates, Forrest! You never know what you're gonna get!
[cut back to Servo & Crow]
Servo: [dripping with sarcasm] Oh, "Life is a like box of chocolates"? Well I got a better analogy! "Life is like a crap sandwich! The more bread you got, the less crap you gotta take!" Sheesh!
[A close-up of the Soultaker (played by Joe Estevez) standing at the end of a road, awaiting the oncoming car Natalie and Zach are in.]
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you.
Crow [as Soultaker/Estevez]: Hi folks, you may be wondering if I'm Martin Sheen. Well, I'm not. Turns out I'm his vastly more talented, yet less appreciated brother. Thank you.
[A clown rings a bell.]
Servo: Hey, C. Everett Kook!
[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]
Narrator: Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
Crow: Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
Servo [as clown]: Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
Joel: This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
Servo: You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
Joel: Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!
Crow [as Richard Burton]: Don't talk about our clown, Martha.
[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]
Crow: KITTIES!
Servo: Hey, C. Everett Kook!
[We cut to two clowns slapfighting.]
Narrator: Presenting Boppo and Freddie for the funniest prizefight in circus history!
Crow: Bing Crosby's relationship with his son Gary is re-enacted.
Servo [as clown]: Ha ha! Let the nightmare begin! Hoo hoo!
Joel: This is the strangest debate format I have ever seen.
Servo: You know, don't laugh, but in a way, this is this town's passion play.
Joel: Oh. It's a full contact Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?!
Crow [as Richard Burton]: Don't talk about our clown, Martha.
[Cut to the next act, a lion tamer]
Crow: KITTIES!
[A computer monitor is flashing advanced forumlas.]
Mike: The world's most difficult math test.
Mike: The world's most difficult math test.
[A cop opens the door and looks at an empty bedroom]
Crow [as Cop]: [with exaggerated Irish accent] All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then...
Crow [as Cop]: [with exaggerated Irish accent] All right, show's over, nothin' fer me to see here. I'll just be about my business then...
[A Corporal at the Arctic base acts like he's having a nervous breakdown after Marge Blaine appears.]
Crow: Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge.
Crow: Yeah, I think this guy's familiar with dishonorable discharge.
[A couple of henchmen burst into Lucille's apartment looking for Bart Fargo.]
Henchman: We're looking for a man.
Mike [as Henchman]: Are you him?
Lucille: My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one.
Servo [as Henchman]: I think you know what I meant!
Henchman: We're looking for a man.
Mike [as Henchman]: Are you him?
Lucille: My word, so am I! Let me know if you find an extra one.
Servo [as Henchman]: I think you know what I meant!
[a credit for the Canadian Film Development Corporation appears]
Crow: Oh, Canada, well that... that... that explains why it SUCKED!!
Crow: Oh, Canada, well that... that... that explains why it SUCKED!!
[A crippled Ilya sits at the window, gazing at Vilya]
Mike [as Ilya]: Man, she's a fox.
Mike [as Ilya]: Man, she's a fox.