Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

1930 total quotes


[The composer husband Jeff finally begins to find his tune.]
Mike: [singing along] Everybody was... kung fu fighting, yeah!

[The couple leaves the church, as Sue thinks in voiceover.]
Sue: Do we have similar backgrounds?
Mike [as Sue]: Do we have any priors?
Sue: Do we agree on our religious beliefs...
Crow [as Sue]: I worship Cthulhu!
Sue: ...and have the same feelings about... religion in general?
Servo [as Sue]: You know, God and stuff.
Sue: Do we have the same ideals... and standards... and tastes?
Mike [as Sue]: So give to me your leather, take from me my lace.

[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]
Crow: Kabob and Ka-Steve!
Season 3

[The credits begin to roll; a slow, low-pitched tune comes up]
Mike: Who's playing the chamber pot?!
[The writer credit appears]
Crow: Written? This movie was written? I don't think so.

[The credits display "The Producers Wish To Thank", followed by a VERY long list of people and organizations]
Servo: Wow, they are special thanking the HELL out of this movie!
. . .
Mike: All these people bear... some responsibility, you know.
[The penultimate "thanks" are to "The citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont"]
Servo: Which means I really, really hate the citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont. I'm not kidding, Mike. I never liked the citizens and officials of stupid Rutland, Vermont! This is just the nail in the coffin, as far as I'm concerned. Go to hell, citizens and officials of Rutland, Vermont!

[The credits display: "Laserblast".]
Crow: Terrible name for laser eye surgery�� scares away the customers.

[The credits list Bill Rebane as the film's producer; his name reappears as the film's director.]
Crow: [enthusiastically] Hey, what a coincidence, there were two guys named Bill Rebane! Heh heh...y'know, ya see, 'cause of the thing with the... and the... uh, the guy, the... [deflating] This is gonna suck.

[The credits mention that the film's music was performed by a group called The Other Three; part of the credit is cut off by the side of the screen.]
Joel: [reading] The Other Th?

[The credits show "Based on The Food of the Gods by H. G. Wells".]
Crow: "Based on"? Yeah, in that they're both in English!
Mike: It could be based on Profiles in Courage!
Servo: Oh, by Theodore Sorensen?

[The crestfallen Tomoko has been reprimanded by her mother]
Crow [as Tomoko]: I'll show her! I'm gonna grow up to break up The Beatles!

[The crowd applauds as the night divers arrive to board their plane.]
Mike: This isn't The Right Stuff; it's just... some stuff.

[The Dancing Woman and the Mystery Man drive away on the Highway of Tomorrow. Throughout the ride, the gang makes noises like "The Jetsons".]
Mike [as Mystery Man]: Look. Dead raccoon of tomorrow.
[The music becomes very etherial and dreamlike.]
Woman: [singing] Tomorrow... tomorrow...
Servo: [singing, a la Elmer Fudd] With my sword and magic helmet...
. . .
Mike [as Mystery Man]: That's where President Barbi Benton lives with Prime Minister Jim J. Bullock.
. . .
Crow: Automatic freeway. You build it.
. . .
Mike: Someone invent rock and roll, please!
. . .
Servo: Future may not be available as seen. Personal fates may vary. Future not available in Africa, India, or Central South America.
. . .
Crow: Ah, there's probably some giant kid standing off, holding a control.

[The devil is encouraging a girl to steal].
Narrator: Don't listen to him, Lupita! It's bad to steal, and you'll be sorry!
Crow: Ah, the classic battle between evil and the narrator.
Narrator: That's right, Lupita, put it back.
[The girl puts the doll back and goes to her smiling mother].
Crow [as mother]: Way to defeat Satan, honey.
Pitch: [muttering angrily to himself] Curses! Wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-wuzza-Curses!
Mike: [bewildered] Oh, don't ever do that again.

[The Disinfesters, wearing shiny, reflective uniforms, move through a gutted building.]
Crow [as Disinfester]: I gotta tell you, looks like everybody's left the Bronx, Ted.
Servo: Pretty much.
Mike: We gratefully aknowledge the Reynold's Wrap corporation for donating the costumes.
[They come across a homeless man]
Mike [as Bum]: Well, I s'pose I better leave the Bronx.
[He looks up at the Disinfesters]
Crow [as Bum]: I thought it was a suggestion!
[The troopers close in on him]
Servo: When Habitat for Humanity cracks down!
Bum: Hey, wait a minute, you guys! Look, OK, I'll leave!
Disinfester: You should have left earlier. Eliminate!
Mike: Wow, the Orkin Men have snapped!

[The Edgewood Studios logo appears, showing a dog sitting in a movie theater]
Servo [as dog]: [talking like Scooby-Doo] Rello, I'm Fido Hitchcock, the rirector of ris rilm.
Crow: He's got a bucket of crotch-flavored popcorn.
Mike: [groaning] Oh, Crow. So early, too.
[The logo fades out]
Servo: [still talking like Scooby-Doo] Redgewood Rentertainment, Rimited resents--
Mike: Okay, stop.
Crow: Cut it out.