[Amazing Transparent Man Joey Faust begins to turn invisible.]
MAMike [as Faust]
I'll be right back right after this.
S6The Amazing Transparent Man
[dressed as a farmer, while Forrester suggests the SOL gang entertain visitors of Deep 13 with a Llama petting zoo] So you folks wanna touch the Llama, eh? That's right, eh? You can touch him all you want. You can touch him all night til' Hell freezes over! Not me, though; nosiree-bob! I wouldn't touch that smelly old thing. He hasn't been looking too good. Smells kind of funny too- smells really kinda rank! But you can touch him if you want! Ain't no law says you can't! Right, Mikey?
[staring forward blankly] You people bring matches for Mikey?
[screaming as Mike starts hitting himself and aggressively attempting to pet Crow's Llama disguise] YOU SHUT UP, MIKEY! YOU SHUT UP! You folks don't give NO matches to Mikey! You hear me? YOU HEAR ME?!! I don't care what Mikey say or Mikey do! I don't care if he comes crawling into your house at night, stark naked with a big 'ol knife! Don't give him no matches!!
S6Samson vs. the Vampire Women
CCrow
Remember, they're vampire women, so get ready with the Cher jokes.
[We see an ominous castle in a deserted forest.]
CCrow
Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.
[Inside a spooky, cobwebby mansion, an owl surveys the room and blinks.]
CACrow [as Owl]
¡Qui! ¡Qui! [N]
. . .
[The camera zooms in on a dessicated woman's corpse in a casket.]
CCrow
Let the Cher jokes...begin.
Hey, it looks like Cher! Heh heh heh...
[Vampire priestess Tandra calls on the goddess Selene, changing from her withered form to a hottie.]
Another successful José Eber makeover.
CACrow [as Tandra]
I'm pretty, so I have value now.
[As Diana plays the "Moonlight" Sonata, four bats hover outside her window.]
Hey, the woodland creatures love her music!
CCrow
I don't get the physics of a hovering bat.
The Vampire Precision Flight Team in formation!
CACrow [as Bat]
I don't know how long I can keep this up!
[A well-to-do couple exits a nightclub. A valet hands them their car keys.]
CACrow [as Woman]
We had a really Hispanic time! Thank you! [N]
Ah, the entire Mexican middle class.
[Samson walks into the room, wearing a luchadore mask, wrestling tights, and a cape, with no shirt.]
CCrow
[trying to stifle a laugh] PfftHAHA!!!
SSamson
I came as soon as I got your message, professor. What's going on?
SAServo [as Samson]
I feel sort of silly right now. Did I overdress?
. . .
MAMike [as Samson]
So, do you need any wrestling done, or...?
CCharles
Now why all the mystery? I can see that you're anxious to speak to me.
CACrow [as Orlof]
I am not anxious, it is you who is anxious.
OProfessor Orlof
You see, Diana is in terrible danger, but what's a good way to explain it to you?
Puppet theater?
CCharles
Well that's easy, start by explaining.
OProfessor Orlof
I can't, Charles. I'm at a loss.
CCharles
Be frank, I want to hear all the details. I'm to understand that Diana could be in danger, Professor. I've been summoned here, because you hope I'll find an adequate way to protect her. Isn't that the truth? And nevertheless, you can't, or won't tell me what is happening.
SAServo [as Charles]
And that makes it hard to get the scene going!
CCharles
How can you expect any help when I don't know who it is I must protect your daughter from?
OProfessor Orlof
Charles, I'm usually quite direct, and I don't like secrets, but in this case, I hesitate now because, you see, I'm not sure yet that's about what you'll say.
CCharles
Someone is trying to kidnap Diana so they can collect ransom from you. Come on now, speak up.
OProfessor Orlof
No no, I swear, it's not true, Charles. No, it's something far more terrible than death itself, it's horrifying! I'm at a loss!
MAMike [as Orlof]
But forget I said anything.
OProfessor Orlof
That's all I'm going to tell you now. Should you decide to help me, fine. If not, then leave me alone!
CACrow [as Charles]
Look, you invited me here!
CCharles
Now take it easy, Professor. I'll help you, and willingly. But how?
SAServo [as Orlof]
I can't tell you, now leave me alone!
OProfessor Orlof
Tomorrow night, I'd like you to gather together some men, and good men, and come to the party, Charles. I mean to protect Diana.
SAServo [as Orlof]
Now get out of here!
CCharles
Now look, if she's in danger, why not disband the party?
OProfessor Orlof
That's impossible. Diana's very sentimental. It's only what the girl deserves. But at the same time, she can't know the facts either. My, the situation is desperate!
CCharles
Now Professor, let me know what's happening here, simply for Diana's good.
OProfessor Orlof
No, don't insist. I repeat, I can't say anymore. Now do me a favor, leave me alone. I have work to get done tonight.
CACrow [as Orlof]
Be sure to stop by again tomorrow, and then leave immediately! [Charles leaves the room]
SAServo [as Orlof]
No wait, come back!
CACrow [as Orlof]
Why won't he help me???
S6A Date with Your Family (short)
[Father has an extremely irritated look on his face.]
MAMike [as Father]
Well, there it is. Spankings all around, then.
Perhaps booze would alleviate this situation.
S6The Selling Wizard (short)
Once again, outstanding features that Anheuser... [film skip] ...that make for a real selling wizard.
MAMike [as Woody Allen]
Y'know, I think I'll just buy a thermos.
Sales appeal styling.
[Servo and Mike start humming Holiday for Strings]
The kind of design that beckons customers to see and reach for frozen products.
CACrow [as Professor E.C. Buehler, from Speech: Using Your Voice]
Plenty of lip and tongue action.
Space saving capacity, that gives maximum storage and selling use of every inch of space.
Meanwhile, the Soviets were launching Sputnik.
S6The Dead Talk Back (movie)
[During a night scene illuminated by a single dim spot light:]
CCrow
The first movie filmed entirely with flashlights.
SAServo [as cinematographer]
C'mon, Merle! I only got two more D-cells left!
Probably blew their budget on those bongo players. I just said a lot of B's.
[As a driver tries unsuccessfully to start their car]
CCrow
With 34 cylinders, the cars of yesteryear were impossible to flood.
She's flooding the radio.
[As a man in a trench coat runs towards the car]
And Creepy Triple-A is there.
CACrow [as driver]
Maybe this isn't my car.
Geez, not since Moonraker has there been an exciting opening sequence.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Mystery Science Theater 3000 pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.