Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes
1930 total quotes[Shot of slovenly girl.]
Narrator: Look at that hair!
Crow: [defensively] I like her hair!
Narrator: And that blouse!
Crow: [lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!
...
[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!
. . .
[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose.
. . .
Crow: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]
Crow [as young man]: Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!
Narrator: Look at that hair!
Crow: [defensively] I like her hair!
Narrator: And that blouse!
Crow: [lasciviously] I'm looking, I'm looking!
...
[Shot of young man looking disgusted by slovenly girl's appearance.]
Narrator: Sorry, Miss! We're trying to a film about proper appearance, and, well, you're not exactly the kind to make this guy behave like a human being!
Joel: [bitterly] You know, make him want to grope you and paw at you!
. . .
[The slovenly girl is now immaculately dressed and groomed. The camera starts at her head and slowly pans down.]
Narrator: Look at that hair... that skin... that mouth...
Servo [as Narrator]: Those... n-nose.
. . .
Crow: We simply took your libido and starched and pressed it!
[formerly slovenly girl walks off, quickly followed by young man]
Crow [as young man]: Hey, I couldn't help but notice how much you look like everybody else!
[Shot of the Chicago skyline as a droning sound plays continuously.]
Servo: When Brian Eno ruled Chicago.
Servo: When Brian Eno ruled Chicago.
[Shot of the Runaway in a jail cell]
Crow [as the Runaway]: Fred Burrows! Help me!
Crow [as the Runaway]: Fred Burrows! Help me!
[Shot of the Santa Claus-esque Commander Jansen looking worried]
Servo [as Jansen]: But what of the little children and their toys?
Servo [as Jansen]: But what of the little children and their toys?
[Shot of the Space Needle over a soundtrack of organ music.]
Servo: The only bathroom in the fair is up there.
Crow: Well, I'm glad to know the future has CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC!
Servo: The only bathroom in the fair is up there.
Crow: Well, I'm glad to know the future has CONSTANT ORGAN MUSIC!
[Shots of a school are shown.]
Narrator: Bilingual schools.
Mike [as Narrator]: Bisexual students.
Narrator: Bilingual schools.
Mike [as Narrator]: Bisexual students.
[Showing a collection of pickle jars]
Servo: Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races!
[The short cuts to a new scene]
Narrator: What's this?
Crow: EVIL!
Servo: Pickles pack the stands for the pickle races!
[The short cuts to a new scene]
Narrator: What's this?
Crow: EVIL!
[Showing a comparison of chickens as meat producers]
Mike: It's Goofus and Gallant.
. . .
Crow: This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call.
Mike: It's Goofus and Gallant.
. . .
Crow: This could be your drumstick. This is the number to call.
[Showing an artist designing a ice cream package]
Narrator: Manufacturers spend millions on package design.
Servo [as Narrator]: Yet, this is the result.
Narrator: Manufacturers spend millions on package design.
Servo [as Narrator]: Yet, this is the result.
[Showing how a forced-air conditioner works]
Narrator: This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
Mike: ...makes no sense.
. . .
Crow: (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
. . .
Mike: (singing) And it comes out here...
. . .
Servo: WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!
Narrator: This simplified sketch showing a cross-section of the cabinet...
Mike: ...makes no sense.
. . .
Crow: (Midwestern accent) Ah, better plug in the car.
. . .
Mike: (singing) And it comes out here...
. . .
Servo: WHERE'S MY ICE CREAM?!
[Silver Morgan, played by the ample-chested Mamie Van Doren, steps out of the car and stands at an angle emphasizing her prominent bustline.]
Crow: Let's see, where should I be looking right now...?
Crow: Let's see, where should I be looking right now...?
[Silver tries to return Mary Lee's call, but gets no answer.]
Silver: Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer!
Crow [as Operator]: Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!
Silver: Operator, I've dialed ORchard 4-2122 ten times! I can't get anyone to answer!
Crow [as Operator]: Well, you want me to go to the house and answer the phone?!
[Sinbad addresses a crowd of people in the city and they yell in agreement with something he says.]
Crow [as someone in the crowd]: Howard Johnson is right!
Crow [as someone in the crowd]: Howard Johnson is right!
[Sinbad delivers another speech, but the editing makes it appear as though it has lasted for more than a day.]
Joel: It's noon and he's still filibustering!
Joel: It's noon and he's still filibustering!
[Sinbad makes prospective members of his crew drink a strong liquid to test their fortitude.]
Crow: They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi.
Crow: They're test-marketing Crystal Pepsi.