Mystery Science Theater 3000 quotes

Have you been hearing some weird stories recently?

About Chuck Berry?

About telepathy?

I knew you were going to say that.

The fourth dimension?

Servo

Or Marilyn McCoo?

Or ghosts?

Mike

Hmm, no, it doesn't ring a bell. We must have the wrong movie.

The case that I'm working on at the present time involves a little of each.

Hang on a sec here, I've got this one thing.

Me?

Mike

You?

Who am I?

Frankly I've forgotten.

I'm a private investigator. Criminology is my hobby.

I sell parts of my record collection to make ends meet. I also manage a bowling alley... Oh, look, I'm kind of between projects at the moment. [softly] Mike, help me!

My philosophy?

Lots of leather.

It's really hard.

There's a long, complicated explanation to that question.

Servo

[sarcastically] Which he'll be happy to give us.

Wouldn't it be fantastic... to be able to speak to someone who has just passed over?

Servo

Quit squirming.

Why just think! We could find lost articles...

Coupons!

Treasures... Gold mines...

You're not buying any of this, are you?

We could even solve murders... by just contacting the murdered.

I'm so lonely... [sobs]

It takes a while for... temperature attunement.

Uh-huh...

Servo

Yeah.

Warming up.

Sure.

We'll try it again later.

Are you wearing corduroy? 'Cause that affects the radio, you know. You should also wash your hair a lot so the vibrations work.

This's gonna take a while; you wanna hang out? We could play air hockey, but we'd have to be kinda quiet 'cause my dad works third shift...

The problem of communicating with the... departed...

Is that they're dead.

Ya look at that? All the books Joyce Carol Oates published last month.

The heater never works in this thing. Starts well, though...

One thing about this getaway? Great gas mileage.

Servo

Zero to sixty... in about an hour.

Servo

Oh, my ride's here!

Reneé('s spirit) must love Jesus.

Mike

Who left their hair in the sink?

Servo

Things I can do with my spirograph!

When spiders drink too much.

Well, it's nothing a fine-toothed comb wouldn't take care of.

The point of view of Helen Keller.

Mike

Why, it's not creeping; this Terror's clipping along just fine!

Servo

[of the monotony of the drive] A very un-involving videogame.

[checking her baby who is seen crying in their crib] Poor baby; let mommy take your temperature.

[as baby] No! Get lost!

Servo

Uh, I don't I wanna see what's about to happen.

[as baby; while the woman grabs a rectal thermometer] Wait, you're gonna put that where?! I'm not sick; I'm fine! Look, I'm feeling better!

Mike

[as baby after getting checked] Owwww, you'll pay for this!

Poor baby; you'll feel better soon.

Mike

What about picking him up, or feeding him?

Servo

[as woman] That's done. Now I have the whole day to myself!

Mike

[as the Alien] I know, it's a cheap suit; but it's all I had.

Servo

[as the Alien] Why is everybody lookin' at me?

[flatly exclaiming] My God; what is it?!

Servo

[as the Alien] "What's that say? 'Lover's Lane: Eight miles'?! AWWWW!"

He's mistaken the car for a lady monster! Eww!

This is a story about the summer George and Betty spent on Uncle Jim's dairy farm.

A cautionary tale.

George and Betty are both excited because this is a very special trip.

They're dropping off the kids and never coming back.

But they're not a bit more excited than Andy and Jane, who live on the farm.

Mike

Poor saps.

Mike

Ah, yes, the bell signals a nuclear attack in these parts.

Well, now they have nothing to look forward to!

I never want this day to end!

Servo

Now Junior Samples and Lulubelle make their appearance.

OW, MY SPINE!

I don't think cause my doctor-- I'm frail and I have allergies-- but if you really want me to...

OW, I FOUND A PITCHFORK!

All the commotion provokes a bull snake resting in the hay.

I gotta be careful of my new jeans 'cause I got them at Pamida.

Servo

Tonight on ESPN2, hayloft rope swinging.

Mike

You'd better watch, 'cause it might happen.