Eric Catchpole quotes from Lovejoy

Eric Catchpole

[Looking at a drunken, hungover Tink] My God, Tink, you look like the rough end of a pineapple.

Eric Catchpole

[Showing his business card to a girl he's picked up in a pub] Look! "Lovejoy and Associates!" I'm an associate.

Eric Catchpole

[to Beth] When they say, "Very rare," they mean "Very expensive."

Tinker Dill

[after Lovejoy has been beaten] Well, they didn't mark the face too much, dear heart. You look no worse than you usually do.

Lovejoy

They must have marked me everywhere else. Mind you, I didn't feel much last night because I was pissed on Lady Jane's champagne.

Eric Catchpole

[defensively] You told me to pick a name at random.

Tinker Dill

Yes, drink does deaden pain. That's one of the reasons I imbibe so frequently.

Eric Catchpole

Is it valuable?

Lovejoy

Is the Pope Polish?

Lovejoy

If the villain we're after doesn't show at the sale, he might come after us - force his hand.

Eric Catchpole

Here, hold on, Lovejoy! This guy's a desperate killer! We might be in danger!

Lovejoy

[to Tink] He complained his job was too boring!

Eric Catchpole

[At the funeral] Was he really such a great forger?

Tinker Dill

[Taking exception] Copyist! They're only a forger when they're caught.

Eric Catchpole

[to Lady Jane about Lovejoy's car] Between you and ma, your Ladyship, the only genuine antique around here is that car!

Lovejoy

Cheeky sod! She's prractically pawing the ground - ready to be off.

Eric Catchpole

We shouldn't be out in the country piddling around like this. We should be back home trying to make a dishonest living.

Lovejoy

Eric, do you ever get the feeling you've been someplace before?

Eric Catchpole

Yeah, I went to this Judas Priest concert last year, and I thought, 'Eric, you've been here before.'

Lovejoy

Just deja vu.

Eric Catchpole

Well, not really. I'd been to see Iron Maiden there the month before.

Lovejoy

If you're not careful, Eric, you'll end up in one of those camps.

Eric Catchpole

What camps?

Lovejoy

Those internment camps they have for Heavy Metal freaks on Foulness Island.

Lovejoy

[Wanting to be alone with Sophy] Eric, take another walk.

Eric Catchpole

Where to?

Lovejoy

Edinburgh.

Eric Catchpole

[Drinking and eating rather sloppily at Janes's table] I made a date with the girl who works in the bar. [Gesturing her breast size with his hands] She's got fantastic knockers!

Lovejoy

[Slightly embarrassed, to Jane] Don't worry. He won't be staying to dinner.

Lady Jane Felsham

Why does Lovejoy spend half his life in seedy rooms, doing seedy deals with seedy people?

Eric Catchpole

He's good at it.

Lady Jane Felsham

Eric, I don't know whether to kiss or salute you.

Eric Catchpole

Well, I know which one I'd prefer.

Tinker Dill

I was in the army with a bloke who tried to top himself, once.

Eric Catchpole

'ow'd he do it?

Tinker Dill

Well after a great deal of thought, he settled on hanging.

Eric Catchpole

Hanging? hmm.

Tinker Dill

He found a tree with a branch that stretched right out over the sea...

Eric Catchpole

Spectacular.

Tinker Dill

...and to save himself pain, he took an overdose of pills...

Eric Catchpole

Wasn't leavin' anything to chance, was 'e?

Tinker Dill

...and just to make trebly sure, he decided to shoot himself.

Eric Catchpole

What happened?

Tinker Dill

Well, he slipped the noose 'round his neck, cocked the pistol, swallowed the pills, and stepped out over the cliff.

Eric Catchpole

...and...

Tinker Dill

Well, the jerk of the rope ruined his aim. The bullet missed his head, cut the rope, he dropped like a stone into the sea, swallowed so much salt water that he vomited up the pills, and swam back to shore a better and a wiser man Gunga Din. Last I heard he was growing chrysanth's in Yarmouth.

Eric Catchpole

How do I look?

Tinker Dill

About as naval as a belly button.