Tinker Dill quotes from Lovejoy

Lovejoy

I wish you wouldn't drink while I drive.

Tinker Dill

[Holding his whiskey flask] I'm wearing my seat belt.

Eric Catchpole

[At the funeral] Was he really such a great forger?

Tinker Dill

[Taking exception] Copyist! They're only a forger when they're caught.

Lovejoy

[as he is sitting at a bar] Can you hear me?

Tinker Dill

I not only can hear you, Lovejoy, I can see both of you.

Lovejoy

Will you meet him?

Tinker Dill

Why not? Looks like rain.

Lovejoy

Rain stops play.

Tinker Dill

I was in the army with a bloke who tried to top himself, once.

Eric Catchpole

'ow'd he do it?

Tinker Dill

Well after a great deal of thought, he settled on hanging.

Eric Catchpole

Hanging? hmm.

Tinker Dill

He found a tree with a branch that stretched right out over the sea...

Eric Catchpole

Spectacular.

Tinker Dill

...and to save himself pain, he took an overdose of pills...

Eric Catchpole

Wasn't leavin' anything to chance, was 'e?

Tinker Dill

...and just to make trebly sure, he decided to shoot himself.

Eric Catchpole

What happened?

Tinker Dill

Well, he slipped the noose 'round his neck, cocked the pistol, swallowed the pills, and stepped out over the cliff.

Eric Catchpole

...and...

Tinker Dill

Well, the jerk of the rope ruined his aim. The bullet missed his head, cut the rope, he dropped like a stone into the sea, swallowed so much salt water that he vomited up the pills, and swam back to shore a better and a wiser man Gunga Din. Last I heard he was growing chrysanth's in Yarmouth.

Eric Catchpole

How do I look?

Tinker Dill

About as naval as a belly button.

We've had some real dingbats in here. You've heard about the stuffed wolf, haven't you?

Eric Catchpole

Stuffed wolf?

A couple of months ago an old geezer brought this stuffed wolf in with him - about four foot high.

Eric Catchpole

The geezer?

No, the wolf. He put it in the corner of his room, and the central heating dried it out so much the skin split open, and guess what there was inside?

Tinker Dill

Little Red Riding Hood?

Lovejoy

Trust me.

Tinker Dill

Those two words have preceded some of the worst experiences of my life, Lovejoy.

An old man really appreciates courtesy from the young, I tell you.

Tinker

Especially when they're buying.

Lovejoy

[Cheerily] Good morning, Tinker!

Tinker Dill

Oh, Lovejoy, it's disgustingly early!

Tinker Dill

[Observing Eric peering in through the window of a ballet class] You can get arrested for that, you know!

Eric Catchpole

[Turning around and seeing Tink going through pirouettes and other ballet moves] You can get arrested for that and all.

Beth Taylor

Do you remember, Tinker, where you was when Kennedy died?

Tinker Dill

My dear Beth, I don't remember where I was last Wednesday.

Charlotte Cavendish

[Looking with distaste at Tink's garish bowtie] Where are you going in that foul thing?

Tinker Dill

Women's Institute.

Charlotte Cavendish

[as Tink walks away] What would Tinker be doing at the Woman's Institute?

Lovejoy

What everyone does at the Women's Institute... talk about sex.

Lovejoy

You're a barker. Barkers don't retire.

Tinker Dill

Ronnie Barker did.

Lovejoy

Nelson Mandela is President of South Africa, you're going on the wagon, and I'm getting married.

Tinker Dill

Here's to the three of us.