Gene Hunt: Murderers do not play tennis!
Sam Tyler: Well, this one does.

Gene Hunt: Now is not the time to have a one night stand with your conscience.

Gene Hunt: Now. Yesterday's shooting. The dealers are all so scared we're more likely to get Helen Keller to talk. The Paki in a coma's about as lively as Liberace's dick when he's looking at a naked woman, and all in all this investigation's going at the speed of a spastic in a magnet factory.
[Sam Tyler, aghast, drops the radio he is holding.]
Gene Hunt: What?
Sam Tyler: Think you might have missed out the Jews
Gene Hunt: What?
Sam Tyler: I think we need to explore whether this attempted murder was a hate crime.
Gene Hunt: What as opposed to one of those I-really-really-like-you sort of murders?

Gene Hunt: Oi! Referee! Has anyone ever told you you need glasses, you dozy git? Next time, I run you over!

Gene Hunt: Right, Scottie Yard are sending up some sort of kleptomaniac to look for hidden clues in the ransom note
Sam Tyler: Cryptographer!
Gene Hunt: Whatever.
Chris Skelton: They phoned 10 minutes ago saying they can't spare anybody.
Sam Tyler: Are any of you actually communicating? It's good to talk.

Gene Hunt: Right, we pulled a bird in, Dora Keanes. She was the last person to see the victim alive.
Sam Tyler: Is she a suspect?
Gene Hunt: Nope, just a pain in the arse.
Sam Tyler: Okay, alright, brief me in full. What do I need to know?
Gene Hunt: [confused] She's a pain in the arse!
[They arrive outside the lost property office]
Sam Tyler: What, so you've handed her into lost property?
Chris Skelton: Well, we could use the canteen, but she's a right mouthy bird, this one.
Sam Tyler: Hang on, you're going to do the interview in there?
Gene Hunt: Thick walls.

Gene Hunt: She's as nervous as a very small nun at a penguin shoot.

Gene Hunt: So? He pushed a bird out a car. That doesn't make him a bad bloke.
[Sam gives him a look]
Gene Hunt: Oh alright, pull him in! I'll dance the fandango on his head!

Gene Hunt: Tell 'em to bring a big-
Sam Tyler: (Correcting him) Bastard-big
Gene Hunt: -Bastard-big sedative.

Gene Hunt: That note was left at the phonebox where Bea and Stella Lamb were taken. It's stencilled over in carbon, so it's doubly hard to trace.
Sam Tyler: So who's Charley Witham and who's Graham Bathurst?
Gene Hunt: [Gene pauses and sighs] Charley Witham was a beautiful 14 year old. She was attacked and murdered in cold blood one year ago. Her boyfriend, Graham Bathurst confessed. He's evil and now's he's in prison being evil.
Sam Tyler: I need more detail, guv. What's the connection to Simon Lamb?
Gene Hunt: Simon Lamb coached an athletic team Charley was in.
Sam Tyler: So did he finger Bathurst for the killing?
Gene Hunt: No, he didn't know him. This isn't a grudge crime.
Sam Tyler: Well someone thinks he's innocent.
Gene Hunt: Don't start! I've come at this from more angles than Linda Lovelace. He's not innocent! He confessed and worse he gloated about it.
Sam Tyler: Well obviously someone wants him out. How about Graham's family?
Gene Hunt: Oh, quick thinking Van der Valk. But while you been layed up with your Vicks Sinex, I've been leading a kidnap enquiry. You didn't see us yesterday.
[Flashback to yesterday, Simon Lamb is hysterical entering the police station]
Simon Lamb: Graham Bathurst.
Gene Hunt: [voice-over] From the moment Simon Lamb walked into the station I knew we had our work cut out.
Simon Lamb: Release him from prison right now.
Phyllis: [Bored, head rested on arm, not looking up] Righty-ho sir. Anyone else? Ronnie Kray? The Hillbury Road Axeman?
Simon Lamb: Release Graham Bathurst, or they're gonna die! [slams ransom note on desk. Phyllis looks up] Get your DCI.
Phyllis: Now just hold on!
Simon Lamb: Get him!
Gene Hunt: [voice over] And as if by magic, a DCI appeared. We went straight to Graham Bathurst's family. They were the ones who haven't stop bleating for his release for the last 12 months.
Mrs Bathurst: Go on, get away. You scumbag, bastard coppers!
Gene Hunt: [voice over] As you can imagine they were cock-a-hoop to see us, and invited us in for crumpets and jam.
Mrs Bathurst: You lied about my Graham. Everything you told the court was lies. You got no shame.
Gene Hunt: He confessed, Mrs Bathurst. So with respect, shut your bloody bonechute!
Gene Hunt: Chris, what are you writing down?
Chris Skelton: Her statement.
Gene Hunt: Right, add this. Your son Mrs. Bathurst, is a cold-hearted killer and if there's a hell, he's going there to be poked up the arse with sharp fiery sticks, forever and ever, Amen!
Chris Skelton: There's an e in fiery, isn't there?
[Graham's grandmother walks up]
Gene Hunt: Oh, Blimey, here comes the heavy mob. Sound the retreat. [voice over] The Bathurst family consists of one drunken mammy and an old bat with a stoop! Don't seem much like a ruthless gang of kidnappers to me. The worst bit was having to go back to see Charley Witham's parents.
Mrs Witham: Don.
Gene Hunt: [voice over] One year on, you can still see the grief in their eyes.
Don Witham: No disrespect, Mr Hunt. But I'd hoped that our paths would never have to cross again.
Gene Hunt: Yeah, well sorry for showing me ugly mug around here, Don. But, erm, the ransom note demands the release of Graham Bathurst.
Don Witham: Well who would want that?
Gene Hunt: Someone connected to the case. Obsessed with it. Anyone seen hanging around here?
Don Witham: Haven't seen anyone. But...you're not going to release him?
Gene Hunt: No.
Don Witham: But if someone out there thinks Bathurst is innocent... does that mean you're not so sure that he did it?
Gene Hunt: Graham Bathurst killed your daughter, Don. I'm more sure of that than me own name.

Gene Hunt: There will never be a woman prime minister as long as I have a hole in my arse.

Gene Hunt: Time to liven things up a bit. Hard to keep your stories straight when you're pissed. You ask my missus.
Sam Tyler: I'm not sure that's ethical.
Gene Hunt: It's not. It's vodka.

Gene Hunt: Tits in a jumper, maybe a result.

Gene Hunt: What if we lie.
Sam Tyler: What?
Gene Hunt: Tell some porkies. Make a big announcement that we've released Graham Bathurst.
Sam Tyler: Well what good's that gonna do?
Gene Hunt: Might buy us more time. Get the bastard out in the open. We kick him and cuff him.
Ray Carling: Sounds like a plan to me.
Annie Cartwright: God, it's always that simple with you lot.
Gene Hunt: Excuse me, Mrs Woman.
Annie Cartwright: Well, Sam's trying to work this thing out, and rest of us...we charge in like a herd of elephants! Details are what count. And I'm wondering, well I'm beginning to wonder, looking at Charley's old files, if we've really put down all the details.
Gene Hunt: We had a child killer to find. And we found him inside of 48 hours. Now I made a pledge to her parents. And I honoured it.
Annie Cartwright: Supposing we made mistakes last year. And just supposing those mistakes are coming back to haunt us.
[Gene Hunt leaves]
Ray Carling: Blimey, Cartwright. Next time go the whole hog and pull the gun on him.
Chris Skelton: That was out of order, Annie.
[Annie Cartwright leaves]
Sam Tyler: No she was right, Chris. God is in the detail.
Chris Skelton: God is in church smarty-pants. [Sam stares] Uh, boss.

Gene Hunt: What is it you think I'm doing here, Tyler?
Sam Tyler: [Sarcastically under his breath] Building a Death Star?
Gene Hunt: What?
Sam Tyler: Nothing.