Gene Hunt quotes from Life on Mars

Sam Tyler

It's called surveillance.

Gene Hunt

Doesn't sound very manly.

Sam Tyler

Manly?!

Well, it's not proper police work, is it? Spying on people?

Sam Tyler

It's the future. One day, the vast majority of police work will be surveillance. Gathering information, feeding that information into computers...

Gene Hunt

Well I hope I'm dead by the time that happens!

Gene Hunt

That note was left at the phonebox where Bea and Stella Lamb were taken. It's stencilled over in carbon, so it's doubly hard to trace.

Sam Tyler

So who's Charley Witham and who's Graham Bathurst?

Gene Hunt

[Gene pauses and sighs] Charley Witham was a beautiful 14 year old. She was attacked and murdered in cold blood one year ago. Her boyfriend, Graham Bathurst confessed. He's evil and now's he's in prison being evil.

Sam Tyler

I need more detail, guv. What's the connection to Simon Lamb?

Gene Hunt

Simon Lamb coached an athletic team Charley was in.

Sam Tyler

So did he finger Bathurst for the killing?

Gene Hunt

No, he didn't know him. This isn't a grudge crime.

Sam Tyler

Well someone thinks he's innocent.

Gene Hunt

Don't start! I've come at this from more angles than Linda Lovelace. He's not innocent! He confessed and worse he gloated about it.

Sam Tyler

Well obviously someone wants him out. How about Graham's family?

Gene Hunt

Oh, quick thinking Van der Valk. But while you been layed up with your Vicks Sinex, I've been leading a kidnap enquiry. You didn't see us yesterday.

Graham Bathurst.

Gene Hunt

[voice-over] From the moment Simon Lamb walked into the station I knew we had our work cut out.

Release him from prison right now.

Phyllis

[Bored, head rested on arm, not looking up] Righty-ho sir. Anyone else? Ronnie Kray? The Hillbury Road Axeman?

Release Graham Bathurst, or they're gonna die! [slams ransom note on desk. Phyllis looks up] Get your DCI.

Phyllis

Now just hold on!

Get him!

Gene Hunt

[voice over] And as if by magic, a DCI appeared. We went straight to Graham Bathurst's family. They were the ones who haven't stop bleating for his release for the last 12 months.

Go on, get away. You scumbag, bastard coppers!

Gene Hunt

[voice over] As you can imagine they were cock-a-hoop to see us, and invited us in for crumpets and jam.

You lied about my Graham. Everything you told the court was lies. You got no shame.

Gene Hunt

He confessed, Mrs Bathurst. So with respect, shut your bloody bonechute!

Gene Hunt

Chris, what are you writing down?

Chris Skelton

Her statement.

Gene Hunt

Right, add this. Your son Mrs. Bathurst, is a cold-hearted killer and if there's a hell, he's going there to be poked up the arse with sharp fiery sticks, forever and ever, Amen!

Chris Skelton

There's an e in fiery, isn't there?

Gene Hunt

Oh, Blimey, here comes the heavy mob. Sound the retreat. [voice over] The Bathurst family consists of one drunken mammy and an old bat with a stoop! Don't seem much like a ruthless gang of kidnappers to me. The worst bit was having to go back to see Charley Witham's parents.

Don.

Gene Hunt

[voice over] One year on, you can still see the grief in their eyes.

No disrespect, Mr Hunt. But I'd hoped that our paths would never have to cross again.

Gene Hunt

Yeah, well sorry for showing me ugly mug around here, Don. But, erm, the ransom note demands the release of Graham Bathurst.

Well who would want that?

Gene Hunt

Someone connected to the case. Obsessed with it. Anyone seen hanging around here?

Haven't seen anyone. But...you're not going to release him?

Gene Hunt

No.

But if someone out there thinks Bathurst is innocent... does that mean you're not so sure that he did it?

Gene Hunt

Graham Bathurst killed your daughter, Don. I'm more sure of that than me own name.

Gene Hunt

Where you stashed 'em, Mitchey boy!?

Up my arse, copper!

Gene Hunt

Do you wanna us to check!?

Sam Tyler

And with time slipping away, do we really want to put all our eggs in the same basket. If the kidnapper's still at large we might be able to lure him out.

Gene Hunt

How?

Sam Tyler

That note was a cry for justice.

Gene Hunt

And I ask again, only slightly louder, HOW?!!!

Gene Hunt

Right, Scottie Yard are sending up some sort of kleptomaniac to look for hidden clues in the ransom note

Sam Tyler

Cryptographer!

Gene Hunt

Whatever.

Chris Skelton

They phoned 10 minutes ago saying they can't spare anybody.

Sam Tyler

Are any of you actually communicating? It's good to talk.

Gene Hunt

[sarcastic] Well this is nice! Shall I get us some Bakewell tarts?!

Sam Tyler

Tell me about Charley Witham.

Gene Hunt

I'll tell you about her. She's what every copper dreads. A dead child. And parents looking to you for answers.

Gene Hunt

[voiceover] Last year, I stood in their home, knowing I was their only hope of getting justice.

We wanted you to see her, as we saw her. Chief Inspector. With everything ahead of her. Our perfect 10. Our Charley. [She starts to cry and leaves]

Gene Hunt

[emotional] I erm, had the job of showing them... what their lovely perfect 10... had become.

Gene Hunt

We think she knew her killer. Leaves were cleared away like they were making space. A rag was stuffed into her mouth. Probably didn't mean to kill her. Probably only wanted to keep her quiet. Smothered her face. Panicked and ran away.

So, she suffocated 20 feet from the road. From people walking their dogs, cars.

Gene Hunt

What if we lie.

Sam Tyler

What?

Gene Hunt

Tell some porkies. Make a big announcement that we've released Graham Bathurst.

Sam Tyler

Well what good's that gonna do?

Gene Hunt

Might buy us more time. Get the bastard out in the open. We kick him and cuff him.

Ray Carling

Sounds like a plan to me.

Annie Cartwright

God, it's always that simple with you lot.

Gene Hunt

Excuse me, Mrs Woman.

Annie Cartwright

Well, Sam's trying to work this thing out, and rest of us...we charge in like a herd of elephants! Details are what count. And I'm wondering, well I'm beginning to wonder, looking at Charley's old files, if we've really put down all the details.

Gene Hunt

We had a child killer to find. And we found him inside of 48 hours. Now I made a pledge to her parents. And I honoured it.

Annie Cartwright

Supposing we made mistakes last year. And just supposing those mistakes are coming back to haunt us.

Ray Carling

Blimey, Cartwright. Next time go the whole hog and pull the gun on him.

Chris Skelton

That was out of order, Annie.

Sam Tyler

No she was right, Chris. God is in the detail.

Chris Skelton

God is in church smarty-pants. [Sam stares] Uh, boss.

Annie Cartwright

Sam's still out cold, Doc says he may need to go to hospital for blood tests.

Gene Hunt

I know what blood group he is, A-Rhesus-Smug.

Sam Tyler

Tung oil? Is that used on engines? I thought it was for wood.

Gene Hunt

Wood?

Sam Tyler

Yeah, it's a lacquer. For tables, floors.

Gene Hunt

Or a wooden gym floor?

Sam Tyler

Didn't Lamb's statement say he was cleaning gym equipment as Charley was leaving that night? 'I just wanted them to stop screaming' he kept saying that, Lamb about his family being kidnapped. 'I just wanted them to stop screaming.'

Chris Skelton

I wonder what killed him?.

Gene Hunt

That would be the bloody enormous hole in his chest where the bullet went in!

Annie Cartwright

Boss, there's a viscous yellow liquid in his ear....

Gene Hunt

No, that's the drip from my fried egg butty, love. Well done Miss Marple, that's why we need women detectives...

Annie Cartwright

Boss, he's got a pulse. He's alive! [Gene pours tea over the victim who moans in pain]

Gene Hunt

He is alive, isn't he?

Sam Tyler

You see, that's why you need women detectives!

Gene Hunt

You said he was dead!

Ray Carling

Well he weren't moving!

Gene Hunt

Chris doesn't move; it don't mean he's dead! Go on, Dr Kildare, get an ambulance!

Gene Hunt

Blardy, blardy, history bloody blah. It doesn't take a degree in applied bollocks to know what's going on!

Sam Tyler

Go on then, amaze me with your insubstantial guesswork!

Gene Hunt

He's come over here, started dealing, and Rocket or one of the other local drugs boys has took offence and offed him!

Sam Tyler

Wow. That was better than I expected. Copper jumps to conclusion and fits evidence to match. Birmingham Six, here we come!

Gene Hunt

Now. Yesterday's shooting. The dealers are all so scared we're more likely to get Helen Keller to talk. The Paki in a coma's about as lively as Liberace's dick when he's looking at a naked woman, and all in all this investigation's going at the speed of a spastic in a magnet factory.

Gene Hunt

What?

Sam Tyler

Think you might have missed out the Jews

Gene Hunt

What?

Sam Tyler

I think we need to explore whether this attempted murder was a hate crime.

Gene Hunt

What as opposed to one of those I-really-really-like-you sort of murders?

Sam Tyler

Maybe the NF shot him, left the heroin there, to make him look bad.

Gene Hunt

The NF are too stupid for that. They could stick a shotgun up my arse and pull the trigger, they'd still miss!

Sam Tyler

I'd still like to explore the racially motivated line of enquiry.

Gene Hunt

And I'd like my boot to explore your jacksie, come on Tyler, where's the evidence you're so fond of?