So the deal, as I see it, is this: If I come up with a solution that leads to the killer's arrest, by next week I'm highest new entry on the Tong's UK death list. Not much of an incentive really.
S2Mother Redcap
What's that theory? That absolutely everything that happens in the world is connected to everything else. I read an article once. If a man breaks wind in Hounslow, it can effect a hurricane in Java. I think I know the man they're talking about, he travels on the Circle Line.
What was it Sherlock Holmes said to Watson?
Get your kit off and give us a kiss?
S4The Chequered Box
(To Adam, who is buried underground) You all right down there still? Your brain's not getting starved of oxygen or anything?
(Drowzily) Who is this?
It's me, Adam.
Right. I knew that, of course. And tell me Adam, how long have I been down here?
Just coming up to four days now and, to be honest, I think the disorientation is starting to kick in.
Black Canary
[To Jonathan] I always thought your love life would make a great play by Samuel Beckett, a great nihilistic quality it has.
So what's the story on this mother of hers, Marella Carney, the 'Black Canary'? She was big business back in her day, wasn't she?
The problem with Marella Carney was that most of her tricks relied upon the fact that she had a twin sister.
Don't be ridiculous.
Who, from what I hear, did all the difficult bits. Marella was claustrophobic, so it was her sister who had to climb into all the cabinets and coffins. You can do amazing stuff when you work with a double, but it's not exactly a test of ingenuity.
You're telling me there were two of them? They kept that quiet, didn't they?
Well they're hardly going to put in the program notes, are they? 'NB: whilst miraculously escaping from a locked trunk, Miss Carney will be assisted by her twin sister Beryl!' Anyway that was all before the accident of course.
What accident?
It's a bit on the grisly side. Best not discussed.
[Forcefully] What accident?
Not sure you've got the stomach for it.
I've got the stomach for it? Don't give me that macho protective number!
Rehearsals one day for one of their big routines. Sister Beryl's strapped down to a bench with an electric buzz saw coming at her. [Maddie looks queasy] Mechanism jammed, the thing just kept coming. She was literally sawn in half.
Oh my god!
Lengthways.
LENGTHWAYS!?
[Jonathan and Maddy are driving through a snowstorm]
How anyone can drive a car at this time of year without a windscreen washer.
It's got a windscreen washer!
Yeah, but it's not much use on the back seat is it?
The guy who was gonna fit it did a runner, it's not my fault. A bit of fresh air won't harm you.
DGDI Gideon Pryke
I can smell guilt on a man like dung on a donkey.
[Maddy's interrupted Jonathan's evening]
I thought I might be useful.
What as? A contraceptive!
Satan's Chimney
CBCarla Borrego
Have you ever slept in a castle with a moat before?
I once passed out in front of a block urinal.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Jonathan Creek pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.