Charlie: But if I'm being honest my problem is less with the fact he is drinking and more that he is doing it without me. And then I start thinking, what's wrong with me? Am I not fun to drink with?
Dennis: Oh, no, no. Don't do that to yourself. You're plenty of fun to drink with. Trust me Charlie, you really get drunk and then you get reckless. Its a lot of fun.

Charlie: Cannibalism? Racism? Dude that's not for us...those decisions are better left to the suits in Washington. We're just here to eat some dude!

Charlie: Cat in the wall, eh? Ok, now you're talking my language. I know this game.

Charlie: Cats do not abide by the laws of nature.

Charlie: Do wasps make honey?
Dennis: No wasps do not make honey.
Charlie: Alright well I'm gonna check it out anyway, there could be something delicious in here that wasps do make and I want that.

Charlie: Do you remember Psycho Pete?
Ingrid: Unfortunately, yes.
Charlie: Any word on if he's coming tonight or...
Ingrid: Well, I hope not. He's the reason we have extra security. He threatened to burn down the building.
Charlie: Ha, that's...
Mac: He was probably just joking.
Charlie: That's his sense of humor.
Mac: He has a very dark sense of humor.
Charlie: You gotta lighten up around Pete.
Ingrid: Was he joking when he cut his family into little pieces and ate them for Christmas dinner?
Charlie: [pause] That doesn't sound like a joke.
Mac: Did that really happen?
Charlie: Yeah, that sounds much more serious.

Charlie: Domino, biatch!

Charlie: Dude, it's amazing. Look at this. Bro, you could chop a camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing.

Charlie: Guess who just found some investors for kitten mittens?
Dee: I told you, people love stupid shit!
Charlie: Why do you keep calling it stupid, though?
Dee: It's really stupid. But people are stupid too, so...

Charlie: Hello, Charlie Kelly here, local business owner and cat enthusiast. Is your cat making too much noise all the time? Is your cat constantly stomping around driving you crazy? Is your cat clawing at your furnitures? Think there's no answer? You're so stupid! There is! Kitten Mittons. Finally, there is an elegant, comfortable mitten for cats��. I couldn't hear anything! Is your cat one-legged? Is your cat fat, skinny, or an in-between? That doesn't matter! Cause one size fits all! Kitten Mittons! You'll be smitten! So come on down to Paddy's Pub. We're the hoooooooommee of the original Kitten Mittons. Meeeeeeeeeeowwwww!

Charlie: Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

Charlie: Holy shit, I think he's killing these people! And he's probably eating them too, dude, and although I think eating people is very cool, not if we're involved, man! We're accomplices!
Mac: No, we are not! He said these were people from his past and he's gotta take care of them, and once he takes care of them, he's gonna take care of me--
(stops dead when he realizes what that means)
Charlie: Ohhh, dude....
Mac (panicked): That doesn't sound good!
Charlie: No, that doesn't sound good at all for you, Bro...
Mac: --I'm on the list, of course, and then--Uh, oh! Number twelve...Charlie.
Charlie (leaping forward): WHAT?!!
Mac: Charlie.
Charlie: Why am I on the list? That's bullshit! You don't put a man on a list! Rip it off! Rip it off! You think he memorized it? Of course, he memorized it! What is this about?! Why am I on the list? (beat) It's the heroin thing! Remember how he asked us to put heroin in our butts and smuggle it into prison, and we didn't do it? Oh, so now he's all hot and bothered just because we don't give him heroin and we don't put it in our butts, man? YOU DON'T DO THAT! YOU DON'T EAT SOMEONE 'CAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE HEROIN IN THEIR ASS! (begins to scream)

Charlie: Hoooooolllllyyyy Shhhittt! Is that the ocean?
Dennis: Yeah buddy that's the ocean.
Charlie: What's on the other side of it there?
Frank: Europe
Charlie: Now how long would it take....
Dennis: Do not try to swim to Europe.
Charlie: Don't swim to Europe.

Charlie: Hyah! Hyah! Get out of here snail! Hyah! Go snail! Go! Hyah!

Charlie: I knew that guy was full of shit! I knew it!
Dennis: What guy?
Charlie: That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction.
Mac: You want him to bang you?
Charlie: Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened
[shows gang history book]