Mike quotes from Gary & Mike

Young Mike

Let me get this straight... you've got Super Mario Brothers AND all the ice cream I can eat? You just TRY and keep me out of your van, mister!

Mike

[trying to be smooth] So, Mrs. Henderson, are you tired?

Excuse me.

Mike

'Cause you've been running through my mind all day.

Gary

[pushing Mike toward the car] O.K. O.K. C'mon we gotta get going. We gotta go, now.

Mike

Later. [waving to Mrs. Henderson]

God, I hope not.

Mike

You know Sandy, I think I really need to gouge my eyes out.

Why?

Mike

Because then I could die knowing the last thing I saw was you, Sandy, the most beautiful thing on earth.

Oh, Mike, you are so romantic. By the way my name is Julie.

Mike

Right.

What would you say if I told you that our bodies are merely husk. Temporary containers for our unenlightened souls.

Mike

Kinda like corn?

Exactly.

Mike

I'd say it's time to start shucking.

Mike

[speaking to that appears to be a Dr. holding lottery tickets] Hey, hey. You a doctor?

Not if these tickets pay off, kiddo. [kisses lottery tickets]

Mike

I need you to look at my friend over there. His head's as big as Rosie O'Donnell's.

So, how's it goin' boys?

Mike

Man, I am so (bleep) psyched! You (bleep) rock you genius mother(bleep)! [laughs] Sorry, Jerry, I just always wanted to do that, y'know.

Mike

You have to break up with him.

OK. Relax. You want an oral break up, hand break up, girl on girl break up.

Mike

No. Just a regular break up.

That'll be two grand.

Mike

You don't understand. The idiot has fallen in love with you.

Did you get a hair cut?

Mike

No, I had my head in a vice. Look the bottom line is, I'm outta money.

Bottom line. Unless I get the cash, if he calls, I tell him I'm a pro.

Mike

No no no no. Don't do that, you'll break his heart and he'll hate my guts forever. Look you gotta help me out here. I need a favor.

Oral favor, hand favor, girl on girl favor..

Mike

No no no, an actual real favor.

I'm not in the favor business!

Mike

When counting cards, remain inconspicuous. [pulls out to see Mike sitting at a black jack table obviously reading from the book]

Sir, sir, would you like to place a bet.

Gary

I don't want to die. I'm too young.

Mike

I don't wanna die. I haven't found the scene yet.

[in a male voice] I don't wanna die my post-op is tomorrow. [Mike screams]

Mike

[to Gary] Hey man, I need you to read this thing I've been working on.

Gary

Ugh! Can't you see I'm a little busy here, Mike?

Mike

Uh okay. But when you get a minute read it please.

Gary

Yeah yeah, Could you get the door for me?

Mike

Yeah sure, later.

Gary

LATER!?!?

Gary

There's gotta be more to life than seeing how far you can travel on 30 cents worth of gas. [car sputters and dies]

Mike

Mystery solved. Exactly three point seven miles.

Gary

Come on, Mike. You need to start carrying your own weight. Get a job.

Mike

Sorry, brother. Work is like cuddling after sex, I just don't do it.

Cue spontaneous top removal.

Cast member 493, go. [girl on monitor takes off top to a hooting crowd]

[turning to Mike] Ah, Mr. Bonner. You look out there you see a muddy field, a rickety stage, a woefully insufficient number of porta potties and a marginally talented jam band mailing in yet another performance. Do you have any idea how much it cost to create something that looks this half assed and smells this bad? [Mike shrugs] Billions! And do you know what it takes to bring it all crashing down? One scrawny little non-paying son of a bitch like you! And we will not have it Mr. Bonner! Any questions?!?

Mike

Umm..could you cue the topless babe again?

Mike

Happy hour rocks! Talk about your king's banquet.

Gary

I don't think this chicken is cooked, Mike.

Mike

That's why it's free. [yelling towards the bar] Hey, I'll take another one of those eight dollar beers, please.

How ya doing?

Mike

Huh, I just got my ass kicked by father time. How do you think I'm doing?