TV show quotes
[trying to be smooth] So, Mrs. Henderson, are you tired?
Excuse me.
'Cause you've been running through my mind all day.
[pushing Mike toward the car] O.K. O.K. C'mon we gotta get going. We gotta go, now.
Later. [waving to Mrs. Henderson]
God, I hope not.
You know Sandy, I think I really need to gouge my eyes out.
Why?
Because then I could die knowing the last thing I saw was you, Sandy, the most beautiful thing on earth.
Oh, Mike, you are so romantic. By the way my name is Julie.
Right.
This week, as Hasselhoff passes overhead, a window will open in the heavens. We call that window Glory's hole and we must pass though it to be delivered. That's why we call ourselves The Glory Holians.
Please don't take this the wrong way, sir, but one, you're insane. Two, everybody here is insane and three, any one who would fall for this crap is a mindless idiot.
[Mike burst though the door in the same white outfit that the cult members wear and breaks into a song about Glory's Hole.]
What would you say if I told you that our bodies are merely husk. Temporary containers for our unenlightened souls.
Kinda like corn?
Exactly.
I'd say it's time to start shucking.
[speaking to that appears to be a Dr. holding lottery tickets] Hey, hey. You a doctor?
Not if these tickets pay off, kiddo. [kisses lottery tickets]
I need you to look at my friend over there. His head's as big as Rosie O'Donnell's.
So, how's it goin' boys?
Man, I am so (bleep) psyched! You (bleep) rock you genius mother(bleep)! [laughs] Sorry, Jerry, I just always wanted to do that, y'know.
You have to break up with him.
OK. Relax. You want an oral break up, hand break up, girl on girl break up.
No. Just a regular break up.
That'll be two grand.
You don't understand. The idiot has fallen in love with you.
Did you get a hair cut?
No, I had my head in a vice. Look the bottom line is, I'm outta money.
Bottom line. Unless I get the cash, if he calls, I tell him I'm a pro.
No no no no. Don't do that, you'll break his heart and he'll hate my guts forever. Look you gotta help me out here. I need a favor.
Oral favor, hand favor, girl on girl favor..
No no no, an actual real favor.
I'm not in the favor business!
[close up of Card Counting for Meatheads, as Mike reads]
When counting cards, remain inconspicuous. [pulls out to see Mike sitting at a black jack table obviously reading from the book]
Sir, sir, would you like to place a bet.
[Gary, Mike, and a Gwenth Paltrov look-a-like that Mike has been making out with are hiding in a closet.]
I don't want to die. I'm too young.
I don't wanna die. I haven't found the scene yet.
[in a male voice] I don't wanna die my post-op is tomorrow. [Mike screams]
Rudy, this is incredible, man. Thank you so much.
Sure, bro. For what?
You got us to the scene. Look at all these stars. Neve Campbell, Cher, Eric Estradra.
These aren't stars. They're look-a-likes. Nobodies. That's Sue Williams, Renee Goodman, and Eric Estrada.
[Gary is holding three large carryout trays of coffee]
[to Gary] Hey man, I need you to read this thing I've been working on.
Ugh! Can't you see I'm a little busy here, Mike?
Uh okay. But when you get a minute read it please.
Yeah yeah, Could you get the door for me?
Yeah sure, later.
LATER!?!?
There's gotta be more to life than seeing how far you can travel on 30 cents worth of gas. [car sputters and dies]
Mystery solved. Exactly three point seven miles.
[to Mike] I'm sorry. Mr. Soloman. We had to give your seats away. [Mike sighs, defeated] So you'll have to see the show from the model's dressing area. That is if female nudity doesn't offend you. [Mike brightens up and a "ah-ooo-ga" horn can be heard.]
O.K. One last time big shot. Why'd you steal the car?
[whinning] No, our car was stolen.
Ohhh. I thought you said you stole the car. Go ahead boys, pull your pants back up.
Come on, Mike. You need to start carrying your own weight. Get a job.
Sorry, brother. Work is like cuddling after sex, I just don't do it.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gary & Mike pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
