Father Ted quotes

185 total quotes

Contestant #1: Oops, sorry!
Contestant #2: London?

Craggy Island Farmer: I hear you're a racist now, father.

Dermot Stone: Terrible is the word, Father. I tell you Father terrible is too small a word, and you just look what you've done to your mother you lazy little bastard, you're useless! Now Father I'm sorry for him causing you all this trouble. God forgive me for saying this but wouldn't it have been better if he had been killed!

Dougal: (Excitedly) Ted, Ted, would you like a peanut?
Ted: You woke me up to offer me a peanut? God, Dougal. Let's get back to sleep.
(Ted falls asleep and starts dreaming again. He is running terrified down a hill, being chased by giant peanuts.)

Dougal: Do you remember that bit when St. Tibulus, he tried to take that banana off the other lad?
Father Ted: That wasn't a banana, Dougal.

Dougal: God, I can't wait to see what's under tomorrow's window. I bet it's a donkey or something.
Father Ted': Really? So, you've changed from your initial prediction of... what was it again? "Ruud Gullit sitting on a shed." God, Dougal, where do you get these ideas from? I bet it's just a lovely angel. What do you think's under tomorrow's window, Father?
Father Jack: A pair of feckin' women's knickers!
Father Ted: Who knows...
Father Jack: Knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father.
Father Jack: Women's knickers!
Father Ted: Yes, Father, Yes! Message understood.

Dougal: I've got Eurosong fever, Ted.
Ted: Yeah?
Dougal: Oh god, yeah. I love the Eurosong competition. I just can't wait. What time is it now?
Father Ted: Half past one.
Dougal: Half one?! And the competition is on in...
Father Ted: May.

Dougal: Now you're going to tell us you're Santa or something!
Ted: No, I... I'm the opposite to Santa.
Dougal: What, the anti-Santa?!

Dougal: Ted, could you pass me my record collection?
Ted: Okay, here it is. (Passes him a single record.) Oh, and Dougal, you need more than one record for a collection. What you have is a record.

Dougal: Who are you? What are you doing here?
Father Ted: This is Father Buzz Cagney. He's here on a short visit. He's from America.
Dougal: America, eh? We were just talking about that fella Kurt Cobain. He was from America. Imagine blowing your head off with a shot-gun. How'd he manage to survive that?
Ted: He didn't, Dougal... he died.
Dougal: Oh right.
[Final Lines]

Eoin McLove: (To Ted) I can have you killed!

Eoin McLove: Go away! I don't want to catch the menopause!

Eoin McLove: Go away... (pause for thought) ...you big dirty pile of old biddies!

Eoin McLove: Well Father, you've got 4 out of 5 questions right on your specialist subject, William Shatner's Tek Wars. So, if you get the general knowledge question right, the £500 will be yours. Oh no! People will think this is rigged. John Paul II. What was his name before he became pope?
Father Ted: (long pause across end credits) Jim?

Father Cagney: I know they're gonna love ya in the States, Ted. You put on a show! But remember, it's a competitive market! You'll be up against Billy Graham and those Nation of Islam guys! You gotta get your own inch, you gotta grab 'em! You know where to grab 'em?
Father Ted: Yeah, by the balls!
Father Cagney: I was gonna say by the shoulders...