Father Ted quotes

185 total quotes

Father Dick Byrne: [on the phone] I am going to win again, Ted!
Father Ted: Ha, that's what you think, Dick, but we've got...Wait a minute! How'd you know I was here!?
[Dick hangs up. At the same time, an ice cream jingle plays from outside. Ted goes to the window and (presumably) sees Dick outside]

Father Dougal (as Ted struggles with the car door): You're alright there, Ted. He's a fair bit away ... it might be worth speeding up a bit there.

Father Dougal (giving the last rites): Well we are gathered here today to join two people... oh wait, that's not it...

Father Dougal (on confessions): A load of strangers telling you their sins. Sure who'd be bothered with that?

Father Dougal (on July 19): Would that be the day the Ice Age ended?

Father Dougal (on the Magic Road): That's nearly as mad as that thing you told me about the loaves and fishes!

Father Dougal (to Sister Monica): So then, you're a nun!

Father Dougal (to Sister Monica): Ted says you were touching him!

Father Dougal to Laura Sweeney: If you're a solicitor I'm Boy George. (Next scene) Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon...

Father Dougal, catching Jack's will after Ted faints: Half a million pounds each? (Scans document) Ah no. Between us. It's only a quarter of a million pounds each Ted. Ted? Ted? (looks around confused)

Father Dougal: "[after Ted puts the brick on the accelerator and tells him to step off the float, waving the brick in the air]" Ted! You forgot your brick!"

Father Dougal: (on struggling to make out the number eleven on his ticket) Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down.

Father Dougal: (looking out of the window with binoculars) No sign of them yet Ted...
Father Ted: (points to bishops on sofa) Ahem, Dougal, eh they're here.

Father Dougal: (on the Holy Stone of Clonrichert) I thought there was someone cured there?
Father Ted: No, someone was lured there. It was Paddy Short, then those fellas started to beat him with the sticks.

Father Dougal: (to Bishop O'Neill) So, if God has existed forever...you know, what did he do in his spare time, like, before he made the Earth and everything?