Due South · Season 1, Episode 11
“The Gift of the Wheelman” · Season 1, Episode 11
In this episode: Benton Fraser (6), Ray Vecchio (5), Fraser Sr (5), Welsh (1)
Ohhhh, no. I know that tone in your voice. You think I'm being cheap.
No! I think there's nothing wrong with being frugal, Ray, and if you can't afford to buy presents, well, getting them for opening a bank account is a viable if not inventive alternative.
You know how much money I'm losing right now? Every kid that sits on my lap I get two bucks.
Yup.
I can go through forty kids an hour!
I can do fifty.
Bull. No one can do fifty and live!
In our zeal to solve this case, I can't help but wonder if we haven't been... I don't know, how do you say it? 'Excessively stupid'?
Look, kid, you're not the only one who saw a face. This guy was so close to you he could count your pores. How hard do you think it'll be for him to find out where you live? You put the finger on this guy and we can protect you, but if you don't -
- we'll still protect you.
Maybe he will, but I won't, and no other cop will either!
[on phone] I brought over the wire tap request in person, sir, but his Honor had consumed a great deal of Christmas cheer and started cursing at me in Norwegian. [pause] I wasn't aware he spoke it either, sir!
I learned two things from my father. One, timing - mostly when to duck. And two... you never hit a kid, 'cause it doesn't teach them anything.
[as ghost] Hello, son.
Hello, dad. How are you?
I'm dead, son. Other than that, do you mean?
No, that's what I was asking.
Is there any insanity in our family?
No, not that I'm aware of.
[relieved] Good.
Well, there was your uncle Tiberius who died wrapped in cabbage leaves, but we assumed that was a freak accident.
Everyone gets to make one mistake. [shoots Robert] And that was yours. [to his brother] See what he got us.
Far Side calendars!
Oh, I love those!
Count to three and rise up together shooting!
I don't carry a weapon.
You what?
I don't carry a weapon!
Is that smart, son?
Well, it's the law, dad.
No time for niceties. [pulls out his gun] Here, use mine.
Well, I appreciate the offer, but it's imaginary.
[disappointed] Oh. So it is.
What you need, son, if you don't mind me saying, is a good solid plan.
Or, you could just throw a rock.
Drive, quick! Before he comes back!
Who?
My father. Drive. Go!
Fraser, your father's dead!
I know, and I don't mean to speak ill of him, it's just he's driving me nuts.
Your father.
He's not really here. I know that. It's all in my mind. It's just he refuses to stay there, or rather, he refuses to leave there. I don't really understand it, but I'll tell you, it's beginning to wear a little thin! I mean, does he think I'm completely ignorant? The next thing he's going to do, he's going to try to show me how to light a fire! You know, Ray, I've got half a mind just to tell him to pack up and move out?
Of your mind.
Yes.
Hello, son.
Oh, god, he's back.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Due South pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
