TV show quotes
Well I just can't believe she's keeping us waiting so long. I mean, I have better things to do with my time than sitting around waiting for some concubine to fall outta bed. I mean, I could be home watching Green Acres.
Suzanne --
WHAT?
I think it's time for you to suck on some more sugarless candy.
[The mistress asks "big, black, beautiful buck" Anthony if she can sculpt him.]
All right, that's it. Look, Ms. Langford.
Please, call me Gaby.
No, I won't call you Gaby. You haven't taken the time to learn any of our names.
Well, that's not so. I know Anthony.
That's right, you do. First you kept us waiting for 35 minutes. And then when you decided you were bored enough to come downstairs, the only thing you've acted the least bit interested in is seducing our delivery man.
Seducing? If that's what you think I was doing, then obviously you don't have the artistic sensibility required to work with me.
No, Ms. Langford. What I don't have that's required to work with you is patience.
Julia --
Because quite frankly, I find you rude, horny, lazy and dumb.
Big, black beautiful buck. Hmph. I'm just gonna call the NAACP and turn her name in. I mean, that's a racial slur if I ever heard one.
And you oughta know.
Suzanne?
What?
Suck candy.
I'm serious, Julia. I do not want you to get up on your soap box about this one. Otherwise, I might have to point out to everyone that you own a fur coat yourself. You know what I'm referring to.
Mother's mink? Suzanne, you know I never wear that. It's a family heirloom. It was grandmother's, for heaven's sake. It's just a souvenir of someone we loved.
Maybe. All I'm saying is . . . you own a mink. So, speaking of big steel-jawed traps . . . you can just keep yours shut.
[Suzanne walks down the runway in the fur pullover jacket.]
Fifty living creatures died for that coat!
Wanna make it fifty-one?
How does it feel to have a corpse on your back?
Oh shut up!
Queen of the snappy comebacks strikes again.
[Suzanne's arm is sprained and she is trapped in the fur coat.]
Oh really? Well let me tell you something, Miss P.A.A.A. . . . I am wearing this fur coat to sleep in. I have been wearing this fur coat 24 hours a day for a week. And you know why? Because my arm is sprained, and I can't lift it over my head! The doctors wanted to cut it off of me. But naturally, I couldn't let 'em. I mean after all, they're doctors, not tailors. Doctors should stick to cutting up things like hearts and livers, not important things like fur coats. So I have been stuck inside this thing. Do you know what it means to wear a fur coat 24 hours a day for a week? It's hot. It's bulky, and it's starting to smell. I can't go outside because dogs follow me around, and I'm not happy. I don't want to see a fur coat for the rest of my life. I don't want to see fur, I don't want to hear fur, I don't even want to open the refrigerator and see some old food with fur on it.
Hanging up the phone Well, that's it. There are two million people in this city, and apparently we are the first ones to ever come up with the notion of renting a van after 5 o'clock in the evening.
Why don't you try this one — Krazy Joe's Junkers. He's crazy, so maybe he stays open later.
That's who I was just talking to.
Really? Julia, you called a guy named Krazy Joe?
Yes, Charlene. That is how desperate I am. I telephoned a man who not only calls himself Krazy Joe, but he spells crazy with a 'K' and prints the 'Z' backwards — a man who's based his entire business career on the theme of illiteracy.
What are we going to do? Anthony is stuck out there on the 285 in the pouring rain with that awful Mrs. Fricke and all her furniture.
Well I know what to do. It's real simple too. We call the police and tell them that Anthony is an escape convict who's stolen a load of antiques and taken a white woman hostage. They'll just rush right down here with one of those big ol' paddywagons and pick Anthony up — probably even deliver the furniture.
[Anthony calls from a waffle house, as Charlene relays the conversation to the ladies]
Where is Mrs. Fricke?
She's in the van still stuck on the highway. (to Anthony) I bet she's mad. I mean, I hate to criticize, but even on a good day she's kind of cranky. (to the ladies) He says she's in a good mood.
Gee. Maybe we should have stuck her out on the freeway in a leaky van a long time ago.
What? He says she's happy because this is her last furniture shipment and if it's not delivered by midnight tonight her entire job is free.
Where would she get a bizarre idea like that?
I saw it on a pizza ad.
Great, Suzanne. Why don't you just give away free pepperoni on the sofas?!
There! You see? That shows how good you'd be at sales because that wouldn't work at all. You people act like it's just so easy for me to hustle up business for this place, like I've just got to stand on the corner and go "Hey! Drapes and coffee tables!" and people just come running. Well you're wrong. I have to flirt, I have to deal, I have to lie, and sometimes I even have to threaten. THAT is called SALES. It's not pretty. I am, but it's not.
Suzanne, I can't believe you did that. That is thousands and thousands of dollars. We can't afford to pay for all that stuff.
Hey, I sell stuff — I'm the front-end person. You're supposed to deliver it — you're the rear-end people.
(to the car dealer after Charlene admits they're desperate) Well, I'm glad that came out, yes I am. You know how badly we need the van, and that's fine, because I like to deal honestly and fairly. Now...we're a group of nuns and we need the van to transport blind orphans....
Ok, we're about to run out of time, so I'm going to be blunt. Suzanne, it does not further negotiations to have you popping your cleavage on that man's desk.
I think it furthers things just fine. I had him confused.
You certainly did. Everytime he looked at your chest, we had to listen to that story again about the summer he worked on the dairy farm.
Well excuse me for taking charge of the situation. You all weren't doing very well, and I am the expert in this area. When it comes to taking something from a man, I know what I'm doing. I wish you two would stop undermining my plans.
Suzanne, we have already seem Plan A and Plan B — you can just put them away now.
Good morning, Suzanne. Did you speak to Tika Ford?
Yes I did — had breakfast with her at the club, and she marked the tear sheet she wanted. Oh, and Julia, she wants to know how you liked the birthday present she sent you.
Oh, please. Nancy Reagan's book.
Well she said it was a gag gift.
Well it certainly made me gag.
[The ladies are discussing motherhood while Suzanne is busy writing a letter.]
You know, it's interesting. I always thought of the four of us as being pretty much the same, but in terms of kids we couldn't be more different. I mean, I've got a brand new baby, and Mary Jo's daughter is about to finish high school, and(gesturing to Suzanne) you haven't even started yet.
I beg your pardon. What exactly is it that I haven't "started"?
You want to have kids someday, don't ya?
Charlene, I don't know! It's not the kind of question I ask myself — not like those women who hang around expensive restaurants whining about my "biological clock". I assure you if I ever decide I did want a baby, I would do it instantly with a minimum of fuss and muss.
Charlene. Okay, Suzanne. Big smile, big smile. "Happy Anniversary, Lois and Shimmy....."
Suzanne. No!
Charlene. Suzanne, it wouldn't hurt you. Now, come on and say it.
Suzanne. Charlene, I am not sayin' it! I don't even know who this Lois and Shimmy whatever-their-names are! Is this a white man?
Charlene. Yes, he is. What difference does it make?
Suzanne. Just never heard of a white man named Shimmy.
Charlene. Well, that's his name. And he happens to one of the nicest men in Poplar Bluff. Come on; just say it.
Suzanne. Oh, alright! Happy Anniversary, Lois and Shimmy!
Charlene. Okay, that about nails it.
[Vanessa enters with books in her hand.]
Vanessa. Hi,everybody!
Charlene. Hi, Vanessa! Come on in!
Vanessa. I just dropped these books off for Anthony.
Charlene. How's your new job over at the library?
Vanessa. Oh. It's fantastic! If y'all want anything to read, lemme know,'cause I can get you anything you want. And they're free!
Julia. Thank you very much, Vanessa. We'll keep it in mind.
Vanessa. Right now, I'm reading Moby Dick; I thought that title sounded interesting, but as it turns out, it's about a fish. But lemme tell you, it is good!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
