I know you from your ass better than I know your face.”
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Wait, so Jesus is a god, right?
God is, like, Daddy God and Jesus is like, the Son God.
So he's really just, like, a hot rich kid.
Totally.
[To Ilana with a man between on an airplane] So I've been meaning to tell you, that was a sick mile high joke.
I wasn't joking. The Moyel Chai Club. You know how moyels suck baby dick?
Wait, wait, what's a moyel?
Honestly, are you Jewish? You're not supposed to be on this trip if you're not.
Dude, I'm sorry, what the fuck is a moyel, and why are they sucking baby dick?
A moyel is the Jewish dude who performs the circumcisions. You know, like a... a bris. So they don't do it in the hospital, so these rabbis can do whatever they want. So they take the detached baby foreskin, and they roll it around in their mouths with wine. [Abbi retches] And then they suck the baby dick itself to stop the bleeding.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Literally Judaism.
So at every bris, someone sucks a baby dick?
Only the most sacred ceremonies do we get to have the baby dick sucking.
They get to have it?
Yeah, it's like, Christian people get the Nilla wafer and we get... Like a sacrament.
What?
It's a wafer and when you take it in your mouth, you let go of all your sins. It's actually like, a beautiful ceremony. All right. So we're going to Israel right now, and we're supposed to be Jewish. Anyway, Moyel Chai Club. I want to suck a dick on this flight, babe! An adult dick, obviously.
I can't believe that you want to suck a dick after everything that just came out of your mouth.
Something about doing it in the sky.
Horny number! Oooh! Yowza! Love it!”
I leave a cum trail wherever I go, kinda like a slutty slug.
'Cause I’m a cum QUEEN!
[At a restaurant] Communication is dope. On the long-term front, I would like to bring up an issue with the state of Maryland.
Mm-hmm.
I think I'd like to move there.
You just want to up and move to middle-of-nowhere Maryland?
Well, I'm from there, so my whole family would be there. My brother's a dentist, also, and we've always wanted to start our own practice, "The Tooth Factory." And there's lots of great schools there.
Schools? So, w- w- what, like, cars drive around them slower, and it's safer to walk?
No. Schools are... for the children that I father to attend.
Are we... Are we still discussing this year? I don't really remember reviewing this for my notes.
Well, I guess while looking at this year's points, I looked ahead at next year and the year after that.
Is this about the rom-coms? 'Cause I'll watch one every weekend, you know? And I'll just rip a bong and laugh really sincerely, and I'll learn to love them.
No, it's just that, I want to buy a house. I've been looking on Zillow. Houses aren't even that expensive in Maryland. And I want to have kids, and I want to get married.
Lincoln, I'm only 27. What am I, a child bride? You know, I don't know that I never want it. I just definitely don't want it right now. I could commit to a kid when I'm like... 43. Lincoln, I just figured out that I want to go back to school and focus on my wizness. I'm on a New York City timeline.
Do you ever think you'd change your mind?
At this point, I can't move on this.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Broad City pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.