Brass Eye Season 1 quotes

Even our most drastic measures don't work. Last month, the notorious paedophile Sidney Cooke was blasted into space to spend the rest of his life aboard a one-man prison vessel, posing no further threat to children on Earth. But it was revealed that an eight year old boy was placed on board by mistake, and is now trapped alone in space with the monster. A spokesman said: "This the one thing we didn't want to happen."

Why can we no longer think of the British Isles without the word "Paedoph" in front of them?!

Security footage of a paedophile disguised as a school. He's been getting away with it in Sheffield for twelve years. Do you know him? Have you seen him? Please call.

Yes, we must catch that man, he really is a shit.

But today the number of children having sex with adults is beyond belief. If you define a child as anyone under thirty, the figure is over 86%.

Ted Maul

Yes, and I don't know if you can sense the air of aggression here, but ten minutes ago, we threw this crowd a dummy full of guts. It lasted just eight seconds. This is very much a protest that's swallowed a bomb and given the detonator to a monkey.

I recently met one of North's victims. She was in fact so upset, she would only talk to us through her sister disguised as a plastic troll.

She still can't really speak about it.

I asked "Kelly" if she would mind demonstrating North's perversions. Someone who agrees to rub their breasts on television is clearly inexcusably disturbed.

But even in prison, North's rastopedic impulses found new outlets. He was allowed to write articles for a magazine, edited by a man who at that time had a nine year old nephew with a nice pink arse and no hair on his balls. The orgy of sly-winking usury was only brought to an end by a stairwell nonce bashing, which left North braindead and quadrospazzed on a life glug.

Let's just get one thing straight: the British Army has never launched an offensive against a six-year-old child.

Genetically, paedophiles have more genes in common with crabs than they do with you and me. Now that is scientific fact: there's no real evidence for it, but it is scientific fact.

You are a paedophile, you are a nonce, you're a perv, you're a slot badger, you're a two pin DIN plug, you're a bush dodger, you're a small bean regarder, you're a unabummer, you're a nut administrator, you're a bent ref, you're The Crazy World of Arthur Brown, you're a fence vole, you're a free willy, you're a chimney bottler, you're a bunty man, you're a shrub rocketeer...

Yes, well, those are just some of the names we have to put up with every day, and it's really just another form of racism.

The Pedo-Files! Starts next week on 4, straight after Paedophile Island: a hundred kids and an ex-offender, on an island full of cameras! What's going to happen?!

Ted Maul

Yes, a vigilante has just tried to fire himself over the prison walls using a giant catapult. Minutes earlier, a test projectile, believed to be a side of beef, cleared the parapets by a full twenty feet. But when the man himself was fired, his trajectory was all out of goose. He thumped into the wall, you could hear his bones breaking on impact. Medics say he may live, but only with his neck as an internal organ.

Ted Maul

Sheets of flame, dancing to the beat of primitive animal justice! One man kebabbed, hundreds scarred forever by a shared blood ritual! And yes, an astonishing sense of community here now! A positive atmosphere, a sense of a job well done, a shared sigh of relief - very much like the bizarre euphoria at the end of an hour's vomiting!

A Peter File was attacked in his car this evening, but I have to say, if your surname was File, would you call your son Peter?

No!

[chuckles] And look, if a child does take your fancy, please remember: leave it a couple of years.

I did.