Most-quoted character in Brass Eye: in 32 of its 59 quotes
Lines by Chris Morris 24
CMChris Morris
[describing a tradition in Tripoli] An outdoor celebration in which the men of Tripoli have a great time - but the same cannot be said for their cattle. At the climax of the feast, a cow is rounded up and driven into a metal tube - a tube which is charged with explosives. The cow is fired through the air and lands in a crunched-up bone heap. Running men then clobber any remaining life out of it with their fists and feet and sticks. The body is dragged about and then left for the dogs and jackals. And possibly scorpions if they eat meat, I don't know...
Over the centuries, man's relationship with animals has been complex. In ancient Egypt, felines were worshipped because the Egyptians thought they were funny. Many of today's familiar relics are cat monuments. [pyramids are shown as the ears of huge cat statues] These vast cat heads were built underground and seen by no one. Europe, too, has its animal traditions. In Zaragoza, the streets still get crazy with the annual running of the wasp. In Britain in the last century, it was quite acceptable for a young gentleman to lose his virginity to one of London's many whore dogs. Dickens and Prince Albert both boasted of their experience. Today animals are used more discreetly, as a vital lubricant in the wheels of government.
The biggest problem of all is the law. It is legal to carry drugs if you're not actually touching them. These men avoid contact by using helium balloons attached to little drug baskets. It's also legal to buy and sell drugs if you do it through a mandrill. Typically mandrills work at night, approaching the house of a client with a drug pouch and returning with the money. Mandrills are intelligent and vicious, capable of throwing a 12-stone man over 40 feet, but mandrills have been protected by law ever since Queen Elizabeth I gave birth to a child resembling a mandrill by mistake.
Luckily, the amount of heroin I use is harmless. I inject about once a month on a purely recreational basis. Fine. But what about other people less stable, less educated, less middle-class than me? Builders or blacks, for example. If you're one of those, my advice to you is leave well alone. Good luck.
We are permissive, yet confused. It is quite acceptable for Peter Sissons to receive oral sex during disaster reports on the Nine O'Clock News, and yet on the Isle of Man nudity is still considered so shocking, it's illegal for babies to be born naked.
Welcome back. Now, sex and children. "Stop right there," you might think, but don't say it, because to hear the word "stop" is, for many, the biggest turn-on of all.
We'll just leave you with a couple of items of whore news: a large build-up of whores in a digger on the A47 tonight, and don't forget that in Leicester, Joanna Lumley, Anita Roddick and Helena Bonham Carter are all whoring themselves all night to raise a little money to buy some coloured bricks for some children. Helena's speciality there is a golden shower. And if you're anywhere near Yarmouth, watch out for that giant whore. [An overturned car is shown] It's still on the loose terrifying everybody, including the police.
Brass Eye · 59 quotes