Ted Maul quotes from Brass Eye

Ted Maul

What sort of mind would do this? We contacted a huge bank of psychiatrists in the States. They told us: "The guy's a homo!"

Ted Maul

These docs show that Hottrin had been driven nuts because the land on which he lives is owned by the cow. In the will of Edith Bates, a local crone who loved cattle - then eccentric, now dead - the cow inherited the land, and a special bank account for stockpiling rent. Meanwhile for the beast, which knows nothing of money or bitter mankind, life has become a living cow-mare, thanks to the thoughtless beneficence of a mad old woman.

Ted Maul

Loser Street. Look at all the feckless dregs.

Ted Maul

A London alley. A body. Looks dead, but it isn't. It just wishes it was.

Ted Maul

The personal organizer revealed a chain of rich clients for organs and limbs. Donald Trump has received over seven feet of new tongue. Even Saddam Hussein has an access - he's obsessed with having white lady's wrists.

Ted Maul

From the moon, Cowsick's a little dot. From the ground, it's a huge mess! Like Dante meets Bosch in a crack lounge!

Ted Maul

Cowsick. The stench of poverty hangs in the air like an old man's nappy.

Ted Maul

For the cops, it's a jungle, where dangerous animals speak Swearhili.

Ted Maul

They say a bored mind makes a great office for the Devil. In Kerry Hufford's case, it's fully air-conditioned with free typing.

Ted Maul

Cowsick's people are the smashed toes of a lame duck society - a lame duck that's attacking its own feet with a sledgehammer. Will the nightmare ever end for Cowsick? Perhaps with some help from outside? Oh yeah? In 1993, the council gave them a football. Good, but not enough. In '95, Paul McCartney donated a hundred top hats. Fat use. And last year, the mayor gave them a goldmine. It actually worked for a bit, this, until someone clogged it up with sick!

Ted Maul

Yes, and I don't know if you can sense the air of aggression here, but ten minutes ago, we threw this crowd a dummy full of guts. It lasted just eight seconds. This is very much a protest that's swallowed a bomb and given the detonator to a monkey.

Ted Maul

Yes, a vigilante has just tried to fire himself over the prison walls using a giant catapult. Minutes earlier, a test projectile, believed to be a side of beef, cleared the parapets by a full twenty feet. But when the man himself was fired, his trajectory was all out of goose. He thumped into the wall, you could hear his bones breaking on impact. Medics say he may live, but only with his neck as an internal organ.

Ted Maul

Sheets of flame, dancing to the beat of primitive animal justice! One man kebabbed, hundreds scarred forever by a shared blood ritual! And yes, an astonishing sense of community here now! A positive atmosphere, a sense of a job well done, a shared sigh of relief - very much like the bizarre euphoria at the end of an hour's vomiting!