Brass Eye Season 1 quotes

Now, throughout tonight's program, we've also had a naked asexual man up a stick watching some pornography. Have you reached any conclusions?

Well, I hope that's been of some help.

We'll just leave you with a couple of items of whore news: a large build-up of whores in a digger on the A47 tonight, and don't forget that in Leicester, Joanna Lumley, Anita Roddick and Helena Bonham Carter are all whoring themselves all night to raise a little money to buy some coloured bricks for some children. Helena's speciality there is a golden shower. And if you're anywhere near Yarmouth, watch out for that giant whore. [An overturned car is shown] It's still on the loose terrifying everybody, including the police.

UK used to mean United Kingdom, but ask anyone today, and they'll tell you it stands for "Unbelievable Krimewave"!

This month, police pictures showed another estate in Manchester turning itself into a gun.

Ted Maul

From the moon, Cowsick's a little dot. From the ground, it's a huge mess! Like Dante meets Bosch in a crack lounge!

Ted Maul

Cowsick. The stench of poverty hangs in the air like an old man's nappy.

Ted Maul

For the cops, it's a jungle, where dangerous animals speak Swearhili.

Ted Maul

They say a bored mind makes a great office for the Devil. In Kerry Hufford's case, it's fully air-conditioned with free typing.

Ted Maul

Cowsick's people are the smashed toes of a lame duck society - a lame duck that's attacking its own feet with a sledgehammer. Will the nightmare ever end for Cowsick? Perhaps with some help from outside? Oh yeah? In 1993, the council gave them a football. Good, but not enough. In '95, Paul McCartney donated a hundred top hats. Fat use. And last year, the mayor gave them a goldmine. It actually worked for a bit, this, until someone clogged it up with sick!

Now while you're inside here, you're going to have to learn a whole new language. It's not French, it's prison slang, and I've got some of it written here, so it might help. [reading] "Howard's Arse" means prison. "One-nil at half-time" means food. "Woggy coconuts" means air bricks. "Gazza" is a gas-coin used as currency for cigarettes. "Plank sanction": a one-for-one fag exchange. "Sue my chin": give us a fag, I'll give you two next week. "Buff my pylon": give us a fag, you owe me two, so I'm letting you off the other one. "Don't buff my pylon": switch over the telly. Oh, and very important this one: "Portillo" means look out behind you.

Research shows that football riots can be halted instantly by showing pornography on the video displays.

In Holland, they've halved the crime rate by legalizing murder with the introduction of slaughter cafes!

This French system of victim support comes to Britain next year. Last month, that woman woke up to find a young offender defecating on her floor. Under police supervision, she now meets the offender at his house... and is given an hour to formalize a similar return on his floor.

The most likely explanation is that people are just seeing some blue light bouncing off a strut. But try telling that to these bog-brained murphies. You'd have more chance of getting a blowjob from the pope.

Your phone calls tonight have been described variously as "rabid", "pig-ignorant" and "stultifyingly ill-informed". Thanks... for those.