Chris Morris quotes from Brass Eye

This month, police pictures showed another estate in Manchester turning itself into a gun.

Research shows that football riots can be halted instantly by showing pornography on the video displays.

In Holland, they've halved the crime rate by legalizing murder with the introduction of slaughter cafes!

This French system of victim support comes to Britain next year. Last month, that woman woke up to find a young offender defecating on her floor. Under police supervision, she now meets the offender at his house... and is given an hour to formalize a similar return on his floor.

Your phone calls tonight have been described variously as "rabid", "pig-ignorant" and "stultifyingly ill-informed". Thanks... for those.

Even our most drastic measures don't work. Last month, the notorious paedophile Sidney Cooke was blasted into space to spend the rest of his life aboard a one-man prison vessel, posing no further threat to children on Earth. But it was revealed that an eight year old boy was placed on board by mistake, and is now trapped alone in space with the monster. A spokesman said: "This the one thing we didn't want to happen."

Why can we no longer think of the British Isles without the word "Paedoph" in front of them?!

But today the number of children having sex with adults is beyond belief. If you define a child as anyone under thirty, the figure is over 86%.

But even in prison, North's rastopedic impulses found new outlets. He was allowed to write articles for a magazine, edited by a man who at that time had a nine year old nephew with a nice pink arse and no hair on his balls. The orgy of sly-winking usury was only brought to an end by a stairwell nonce bashing, which left North braindead and quadrospazzed on a life glug.

Boo-hoo about calves! They do that with crabs, I don't see you weeping about crabs.

Well, I think every animal has as much right decent treatment as we do.

You're wrong, and you're a grotesquely ugly freak! Thanks. [leaves the table]

There are many legal sports that kill animals too.

[a fox hunter] I think the thing that people get fussed about is that a fox is a small brown furry animal, very much like a dog. Um, I don't think they'd be nearly so worried if it was a little four-legged car... full of chips.

The evil of our relationship remains a paradox. If you plot "Number of animals abused" against "What makes people cruel" versus "Intelligence of either party", the pattern is so unreadable that you might as well draw in a chain of fox heads on sticks. And if you do that, an interesting thing happens: the word "cruel" starts flashing. So, are we cruel to hunt foxes?

The fox feels nothing. It's made of... string.

Now, our friend here was unlucky enough to catch his virus from a blood transfusion, something he had no control over--

No, no, sorry, I got it from my boyfriend.

Your boyfriend?

My partner, yeah.

So you got bad AIDS, not good AIDS?

My father repeatedly abused me between the ages of four and sixteen.

But it hasn't happened a lot recently?

No.

Good.

Security footage of a paedophile disguised as a school. He's been getting away with it in Sheffield for twelve years. Do you know him? Have you seen him? Please call.

Yes, we must catch that man, he really is a shit.

I recently met one of North's victims. She was in fact so upset, she would only talk to us through her sister disguised as a plastic troll.

She still can't really speak about it.

I asked "Kelly" if she would mind demonstrating North's perversions. Someone who agrees to rub their breasts on television is clearly inexcusably disturbed.