I gotta go to a hospital!
Is that her?!
It's a trash can!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
What do you want me to get?
Needle and thread! For stitches! Because I'm dying!
[Lily bites Fuches' cheek]
Barry. Kill her.
Just take her off your face.
I can't.
Why?
'Cause I super-glued my hands to the steering wheel.
[Watching Lily run away] WHAT ARE YOU?!
...I meant my word. I'm Honest Gabe.
Are you fucking serious? Are you fucking kidding me right now?! You just fucked this moment! This beautiful, tender moment with your accordion! You just... whipped out your accordion, and you fucked it, man!
An audition?
Mm-hmm.
You? Have an audition? What, are they reading extras now?
That is so weird! Sally said the same thing.
What's the part?
It's a guy named, um, J.T. in a movie called Swim Instructors.
How many of these did you print?
It's just one. It's four scenes.
Holy moly! J.T. is on every page! That's a lot of lines, Barry.
Yeah, I think he's one of the leads.
[Gasps] No! You say, "Oh, we're just a bunch of swim instructors." That's the title! They can't cut that!
I'm trying to give you the view from ten thousand feet before we dive in and break it down scene-by-scene. So, Scene One: Loss.
Mm-hm.
Scene Two: You shit in a pie.
So, uh... relief?
No, I think It's a little more nuanced than that; I think it's about vengeance.
Okay.
And then, Scene Three: Whoopsie! You eat the shit pie. Comeuppance. "He who seeks revenge digs two graves", Barry. It's a tale as old as time.
Whose cock did you have to suck in a former life?
Hey, Ike, you shitbird! [High-Pitched] You want a little pie? Mr. Cousineau said I should, um, put a little mustard on "pie" there-
I'm sorry. Can we, um Can we stop?
Sure.
For a second. I just I feel like I need to say something, Barry.
Okay.
This piece that I'm doing for class. It's exactly what I should be doing.
Yeah, no, and it's great! What you're doing is-
I'm terrified, okay? Because my piece is real. It's not a character. It's me. Raw, unapologetic truth with a capital "T. " I mean, all caps, actually. I'm thinking like a writer now. I mean, this was stuff that I couldn't even talk about without lying. And here I am, about to strip naked in front of a bunch of strangers and share something that I am massively ashamed of -- Not literally. I don't believe in nudity unless it drives the story forward. -- I'm afraid that they're gonna judge me, and I'm afraid that Sam's gonna find out and do something crazy. But I have to do this. It's it's my story to tell. But then, I mean, so many other women have the same story. What, am I a spokesperson for them now? Could I be the face of a movement? I mean, what if I get it wrong? I mean, I resent the fact that Nick can get up there and talk about his "stomach condition," and it's not like he has to be the poster boy for bulimia. But I get up there, and whatever I say, it's like, "What are we saying about women?" I mean, this is just my story! "But what if you get it wrong, Sally?" "I don't know." "You can't get it wrong, Sally. But you can't not tell it either, Sally, because it's who you are." Which makes this thing that my agents sent me on today so fucking insulting. Payback Ladies? It's just another shit male idea of what strong women are. Oh, oh, oh, "Grab a gun and some stilettos and get a goddamn blowout. And look how strong you are now, Sally!" It's bullshit! Which, by the way, so is this. It's quite possibly the worst thing I've ever read. But you want to know the worst part? You want to know what's really driving me fucking crazy? I am so jealous that you're reading for this. I have never had a director's session for a feature, which is the same thing as a movie, P. S. And I have been doing this for way longer, and I think you'd agree that I am way better. I made you! And I'm actually represented by Gersh. Well, at least I was. I don't even know if they'd rep me anymore after what I said in there today, but still at least I held my ground, because I am an artist, okay, an artist, and this is not fucking art. But then, I mean, to be honest, of course I'm so happy for you. I mean, of course I want you to get this part, and I want to be the one to help you learn your lines and fix your inflections. But I need you to know that if you do get it, it's gonna make me like like a hundred times more insane. Okay? [Sighs] Continue.
Hey, Ike, you shitbird! You want a little pie?
Hey, guys, since we're all about to die in a moment, I have to be honest about something, okay? I have been deceiving you guys and before we die, I have to come clean. I know you look at me and you see hard as nails criminal, stone-cold killer, Iceman. But, uh... This is lie. In fact, I have been lying about who I am my entire life. Real talk? I should not be manager of crime syndicate! I should be manager of hotel -- chain of hotels! Instead of being this conning man, playing the role of the ruthless gangster. I mean, that is not who I am, because the truth bomb of it is -- maybe not a lot of you, so be it. I'm nice. I'm polite. I'm optometrist by nature, you know? But because I did not have courage to stand up and be my true self, nice guy, and instead chose pants-on-fire existence, we are all on the barbecue bus. So, guys, I am really sorry for, uh, convincing you I was ruthless leader. I will regret it for the rest of my life. Probably two more minutes. So, in closing, hopefully there is afterlife, and I can host you all in heaven and make you delicious appetizers. Wouldn't that be something, guys? Guys? Guys!
Murder... Je- I used to think people like you were the shit, man. Badasses like yourself always fascinated me. But- But doing it, y'know, actually pulling the trigger, ending a life... that takes someone with no soul.
You know... you could save your little acting teacher. You know that, right?
I'm gonna fucking kill you, Fuches.
All you have to do is turn yourself in. Give it all up for him. Yeah? Not so altruistic now, are you motherfucker? Now who's out of moves? Bye bye!
MDMae Dunn
Okay. You're free to go!
Can I see Mr. Cousineau?
DDunn
Oh, no, we think he killed his girlfriend, so he's staying here with us.
Barry Berkman did this.
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