A character in Ashes to Ashes
Played by Marshall Lancaster
Ashes to Ashes · 180 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Ashes to Ashes: in 28 of its 180 quotes
Most scenes with: Gene Hunt (18), DS Ray Carling (12), Alex Drake (8)
[Chris, Alex and Shaz watch Frank Hardwick performing on TV. Frank cracks some sexist jokes and Chris laughs while Alex and Shaz stare blankly at the screen]
Chris SkeltonHe is funny...[Chris clocks Alex’s and Shaz’s reaction] If you like jokes about hating women.
Blimey, if that skirt was hitched any higher I could see what you had for breakfast. Ray, cuff this nancy berk. Chris, look after the lady. Classiest prozzie I've seen all week!
[recognising her rescuers] DC Chris Skelton?
Chris Skelton[surprised] Roger that.
DS Ray Carling? [Ray, busy beating up a suspect, looks up] Gene Hunt!? [Alex faints in shock]
My reputation precedes me!
[Chris is eating a kebab]
Chris SkeltonSteady on, Guv! Nearly lost me breakfast then!
What is that?
Chris SkeltonIt's a kebab.
Looks like a bloody pasty with its arse hanging out!
[After Gene questions Alex's insistence on warning prostitutes of a killer on the loose]
The skeleton in the closet. Private education, years at Oxbridge, all counted for nothing really, because I, Alex Drake, was once a prostitute.
Chris SkeltonBloody hell!
[chuckles] I knew it!
There, I've said it.
[chortles] Christ on a bike!
That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.
You're telling me you lied to get onto the force?
No, actually. What I just told you was a lie. I did it to show you how your preconceptions can inform your judgements about other people, especially prostitutes. Sorry.
You know, sometime I hate you, Drake.
[chuckles] So I'm not what you'd expect a prostitute to be? If I said I'd been raped, you'd believe me but not someone like Trixie, not a woman like that?
No, not hate, despise.
Alright, so I'm not a hooker. But if I was, do you know something, Gene? You could never, ever afford me!
You know, you might talk with a plum in your gob, love, but I would rather go with one of them [gestures to a number of prostitutes in the background] than waste my money on some bitter, twisted, messed-up, clenched-arsed, toffee-nosed bitch like you! [Alex slaps him] You feel better now?
No. [she punches Gene in the mouth] Better now. [to an astounded Chris and Ray] Come on, ladies, what are you waiting for!? Let's get pissed!
Artemis. Goddess of the hunt. Good work, Viv.
That you, is it? Goddess of the Hunt?
Chris SkeltonSounds like a potent symbol of female power.
[Alex, Gene, Chris and Ray have walked into a hotel room minutes after Neary has had gay sex. Chris opens up a briefcase that turns out to be full of sex toys. He holds up a dildo and inspects it.]
Chris SkeltonHe must have bloody big ears.
Wrong orifice, Chris. It's a butt plug.
['Chris looks at it, still puzzled.]
It goes up your arse, Chris!
Oh ye of little faith.
Chris SkeltonAll hail the mighty Quattro.
[Gill Hollis is shooting at the CID]
[running] Get in, quick!
Chris SkeltonGet back, we're under attack!
What do you mean, attack!?
[The CID run through the door. Gene falls on top of Alex]
Shoot at my place! Bloody bastids!
[Suddenly, the shooting stops]
It's stopped.
Shh, shh, shh... Chris! Give us a gun!
Chris SkeltonOh shit, I must have left it in the car...
Hunt! Hunt, come out and face me!
Well what a surprise. It's that lovely lad who does the charity work.
Well get off me then!
[Gene gets off of Alex. They sit up and realize one of the bullet holes lines up perfectly with her head]
I propose, that given your reaction to the gender balance of the gang, that this is their first job.
What, New Kids On The Block?
Now that's a good name for a boy band!
Gov.
Chris, Take That! It's the dodgy second hand car dealers. East 17!
Chris SkeltonAlright, Backstreet Boys.
Yeah, let’s get 'em Busted!
Ooh God! I'm gonna scream!
I want this place cleaner than a virgin's pudendum!
Chris SkeltonWhat's a pudendum, Guv?
You are, Chris! You are!
Chris SkeltonThink he drowned, then?
No, Christopher. I think he tried to drink the entire river for a bet and failed!
I'm like Liberace.
Chris SkeltonPoofter?
No, no… the other one. What — what's his name? Valentino. That's it, I'm like Valentino.
[Gene's office. Skelton puts his warrant card down on Hunt's desk]
What's that?
Chris SkeltonWarrant card. I wish to offer my resignation from the force with immediate effect.
No.
Chris SkeltonWhat?
No, you don't get off that easy. I want you to stay a copper. And know every second, of every minute, of every day, the true depth of your full betrayal of the force. Of Shaz. Ray. Yourself. Jail isn't your sentence, Chris. I am.
It was a horrible shock but I'm not ashamed of you. I'm proud of you.
Chris SkeltonHow could you possibly be proud of me?
Because you care when you get it wrong. It matters to you and that takes something special. I love you for that. Do you hear me? I love you.
[In her 1982 coma world Alex sees each member of the team in turn on a TV while in a electricals store]
Come on, wake up! The doctor stopped the bleeding in your gut months ago. I wasn't gonna come here, but we've got this missing girl and what with the guv in hiding I'm on my own. Wake up! Come on, wake up! Help me!
Chris SkeltonI couldn't get grapes so I got a melon [Alex laughs at the Chris' comment on the display] I'll leave it here for you. This Dorethy stuff, Dorethy Blond, we're all at sea on it boss, ma'am, what with the guv on the run, it's been three months now... Oh, Shaz is coming in later. We're not together anymore, but that's cool... It's not the same without you ma'am. Can't you wake up and...
There's some melon on the floor ma'am, do you want me to clean it up? It's not fair, you made things better and then you left us. I went back to making bloody tea and biscuits. I should have got a job at Peak Freans. If you came back, I know you'd help me...
Alex? Look at what he has done to you. You don't know me, but I read all about you, you're the best of them Alex, it's not fair. He did this to you and I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't want you to end up like...
[The image cuts to flashes of all the characters who have talked yo Alex while she has been in her coma, until finally Gene appears]
Wakey, wakey Drakey. Oh come on, you weren't that shot.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Ashes to Ashes pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
