DS Ray Carling quotes from Ashes to Ashes

Ray Carling

Bloody hell, they have better dialogue on Dynasty!

Ray Carling

[After Chris finds a severed hand in the mail] Looks like you got your hand-job after all, mate.

Ray Carling

[To Chris] Kinnock or Worzel Gummidge? Who would win in a break dancing competition?

Ray Carling

Guv, there's some blood... and some more over here.

Ray Carling

Bloody Nora!

Gene Hunt

I am trying to help you here!

Alex Drake

Well I don't need your help! Their archaic attitude is their problem, not mine!

Gene Hunt

Wrong. It's my problem. To keep this department running smoothly, I need their respect, which I've got. They look up to me, they should be looking up to you and all!

Alex Drake

What do you want me to do, morph into a nun!? IT'S NOT LIKE I'VE SHAGGED AN ENTIRE RUGBY TEAM, IS IT!?

Ray Carling

[outside] I'll bet she has. [the rest of CID laugh]

Alex Drake

It's your fault, anyway!

Gene Hunt

How is it my fault!?

Alex Drake

Because you left me on my own, and I ended up with some Thatcherite wanker!

Gene Hunt

I told you to go to bed, alone! If you'd listened to me in the first place, we wouldn't be wasting my time, having this ridiculous conversation!

Alex Drake

The skeleton in the closet. Private education, years at Oxbridge, all counted for nothing really, because I, Alex Drake, was once a prostitute.

Chris Skelton

Bloody hell!

Ray Carling

[chuckles] I knew it!

Alex Drake

There, I've said it.

Ray Carling

[chortles] Christ on a bike!

Alex Drake

That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Gene Hunt

You're telling me you lied to get onto the force?

Alex Drake

No, actually. What I just told you was a lie. I did it to show you how your preconceptions can inform your judgements about other people, especially prostitutes. Sorry.

Gene Hunt

You know, sometime I hate you, Drake.

Alex Drake

[chuckles] So I'm not what you'd expect a prostitute to be? If I said I'd been raped, you'd believe me but not someone like Trixie, not a woman like that?

Gene Hunt

No, not hate, despise.

Alex Drake

Alright, so I'm not a hooker. But if I was, do you know something, Gene? You could never, ever afford me!

Gene Hunt

You know, you might talk with a plum in your gob, love, but I would rather go with one of them [gestures to a number of prostitutes in the background] than waste my money on some bitter, twisted, messed-up, clenched-arsed, toffee-nosed bitch like you! [Alex slaps him] You feel better now?

Alex Drake

No. [she punches Gene in the mouth] Better now. [to an astounded Chris and Ray] Come on, ladies, what are you waiting for!? Let's get pissed!

Alex Drake

Artemis. Goddess of the hunt. Good work, Viv.

Ray Carling

That you, is it? Goddess of the Hunt?

Chris Skelton

Sounds like a potent symbol of female power.

Alex Drake

I propose, that given your reaction to the gender balance of the gang, that this is their first job.

Gene Hunt

What, New Kids On The Block?

Alex Drake

Now that's a good name for a boy band!

Gov.

Gene Hunt

Chris, Take That! It's the dodgy second hand car dealers. East 17!

Chris Skelton

Alright, Backstreet Boys.

Ray Carling

Yeah, let’s get 'em Busted!

Alex Drake

Ooh God! I'm gonna scream!

Alex Drake

[to Tom Robinson] I know you. You end up on Radio 6. You fall in love with a woman and have two kids.

Ray Carling

Don't worry mate. She says stuff like that all the time.

Ray Carling

Guv…?

Gene Hunt

What?

Ray Carling

Fire up the photocopier!

Ray Carling

I'm like Liberace.

Chris Skelton

Poofter?

Ray Carling

No, no… the other one. What — what's his name? Valentino. That's it, I'm like Valentino.

Ray Carling

Come on, wake up! The doctor stopped the bleeding in your gut months ago. I wasn't gonna come here, but we've got this missing girl and what with the guv in hiding I'm on my own. Wake up! Come on, wake up! Help me!

Chris Skelton

I couldn't get grapes so I got a melon [Alex laughs at the Chris' comment on the display] I'll leave it here for you. This Dorethy stuff, Dorethy Blond, we're all at sea on it boss, ma'am, what with the guv on the run, it's been three months now... Oh, Shaz is coming in later. We're not together anymore, but that's cool... It's not the same without you ma'am. Can't you wake up and...

There's some melon on the floor ma'am, do you want me to clean it up? It's not fair, you made things better and then you left us. I went back to making bloody tea and biscuits. I should have got a job at Peak Freans. If you came back, I know you'd help me...

Jim Keats

Alex? Look at what he has done to you. You don't know me, but I read all about you, you're the best of them Alex, it's not fair. He did this to you and I don't want history to repeat itself. I don't want you to end up like...

Gene Hunt

Wakey, wakey Drakey. Oh come on, you weren't that shot.

Gene Hunt

What's this? Dorothy Blonde, kidnapped yesterday morning.

Ray Carling

8:21. The parents are on their way in. There's been a ransom demand.

Gene Hunt

Well, we better get her back then, hadn't we? Who's in charge of this shambles?

Ray Carling

I am. I'm a DI now.

Gene Hunt

A DI?!

Ray Carling

It's not that incredible. [Gene walks to the door of his office where his name has been replaced with Ray's] DCI Timmons wanted to keep hold of his office so I thought I would...

Chris Skelton

We didn't think you were coming back, guv.

Gene Hunt

Nor did I after the report you gave the enquiry.

Chris Skelton

They asked all sorts of questions they already knew the answers to.

Alex Drake

Rhetorical.

Chris Skelton

Nah, it was definitely English.

Ray Carling

You can't just come back in here and pick up where you left off, what about the enquiry?

Gene Hunt

Ray, if you ever come into this office again dressed like a maths teacher, I'll paint your balls the colour of hazelnuts and inform a bunch of squirrels that winter's coming.

Jim Keats

Take a seat Ray.

Ray Carling

Blimey. It's hotter than a Majorcan minge in 'ere!

Jim Keats

Sorry. Poor bloody circulation.