Arthur Hastings quotes from Agatha Christie's Poirot

Poirot

Hastings, did you notice the way Mademoiselle Nick [Buckley] flinched as a bee flew past? A bee in the bonnet, a hole in the hat?

Hastings

A bee couldn't make a hole like this.

Poirot

But a bullet could, my friend.

Poirot

You do know who I am?

No, I don't.

Poirot

I forget. You are but a child, eh? Alors my friend here, Captain Hastings, he will tell it to you.

Hastings

Well, um... Monsieur Poirot is a detective... [Gets a look from Poirot] Um... er... a great detective.

Poirot

My friend, is that all that you can find to say? Mais dis donc, say then to Mademoiselle that I am the detective unique! Unsurpassed! The greatest that ever lived!

Hastings

There doesn't seem much point now. You've told her yourself.

Poirot

Well, yes, but it is more agreeable to preserve the modesty.

Poirot

You know, Hastings, you have the most extraordinary effect on me.

Hastings

Really?

Poirot

Yes. You have so strongly the flair in the wrong direction that I am almost tempted to doubt [your conclusions].

Hastings

[Chiding him for snooping through some love letters] Poirot, you really can't do that. It's not playing the game.

Poirot

We are not playing the game, Hastings. We're hunting down a murderer.

Hercule Poirot

You know, Hastings, sometimes I wish that I was not of such a moral disposition.

Arthur Hastings

Really?

Hercule Poirot

Would not Hercule Poirot do better than any criminal? Hercule Poirot would use his grey cells, eh? Hercule Poirot would change his modus operandi for every crime. Scotland Yard would never be able to pin him down.

Poirot

[Playing Monopoly] I will build a hotel on Fenchurch Street.

Hastings

You can't build a hotel on a railway station.

Poirot

Do not be absurd, Hastings. There are plenty of hotels at railway stations.

Hastings

But it's not in the rules.

Poirot

Well, then, Hastings, the rules are wrong!

Poirot

If you put your head in the mouth of the lion, you cannot complain if one day he bites it off, eh?

Hastings

[Aside to Miss Lemon] Never made a speculative investment in his life.

Poirot

And I still have my head, Hastings.

Mr. Poirot, I can't apologize enough.

Poirot

[Thinking he's there about Poirot's missing bank balance] I am very pleased to hear you say so personally.

Yes, I realize it's a little late but you see-

Poirot

Not at all, not at all, Lord Pearson. It is better late than never, as you English say. Please do take a seat, eh? And may I offer you a drink?

A dry sherry, thank you. You see-

Poirot

Hastings, a little something for you, my friend?

Hastings

Oh, why thank you.

This is a matter of such vital concern to us all that I don't think that I or any of the bank's directors will sleep easily in our beds until it's been sorted out.

Poirot

Well, I must admit that I have not seen it in quite that light but,um... yes, I must agree with you. It is certainly most vital.

You know about the disappearance of Mr. Wu Ling then?

Poirot

Monsieur Wu Ling? [It dawns on him] Ah... Hastings, be so kind as to pour me a little brandy.

Arthur Hastings

[after Poirot solves the case] There's Japp. I don't know what you're going to tell him.

Hercule Poirot

Nothing at all, Hastings. I hate to be the bearer of bad news. He will learn soon enough that his open-and-shut cases has the broken hinges.

Arthur Hastings

I'd still like to know what the color of Lowen's trousers has got to do with anything.

Hercule Poirot

Surely that is obvious, Hastings. Monsieur Lowen says that he did not pass Monsieur Davenheim in the lane, oui? Now, is he lying, Hastings, or did he in fact kill Monsieur Davenheim? A messy scuffle in the country road, a disposal of a body in a muddy field, and still he manages to turn up at the house minutes later so immaculately dressed.

Arthur Hastings

Ah. Seemed rather trivial.

Hercule Poirot

No, Hastings. Nothing is trivial in the matter of murder. I commend also to your attention the fact that before he leaves a room, Monsieur Davenheim puts onto the gramophone a record of the "1812 Overture."

Arthur Hastings

Well, that was highly significant, too, was it?

Hercule Poirot

Well, we may as yet be on the wrong track, but at least it is suggestive.

Arthur Hastings

Track! That was it! Gerald Lowen.

Hercule Poirot

Comment?

Arthur Hastings

Gerald Lowen. Races a couple of Bugattis, just beginning to make a name for himself on the circuit. I bet it's the same chap.

Hercule Poirot

Ah, the racing of the cars, hein? Round and around in the circles. Never will I understand the passion for such a pointless pastime.

Arthur Hastings

Well, you've got to experience it, Poirot. The sheer exhilaration of flying around on the seat of your pants.

Hercule Poirot

Yes, well, Hastings, perhaps you should try cleaning them first.

Arthur Hastings

It's a wonder Japp didn't lock me up for breaking and entering.

Hercule Poirot

But, Hastings, you performed magnificently.

Arthur Hastings

I don't see what it proves, except that you need a strong hand to get that thing open. Lowen isn't exactly a weakling.

Hercule Poirot

Ah, our old friend Monsieur Lowen, hein? He has suffered so badly at the hands of Monsieur Davenheim that he vows to exact his revenge on the demon banker. So, first, he kills his adversary, then he turns up at the house in order to ransack the safe and make off with the family jewels, hein?

Arthur Hastings

It's the only explanation that fits.

Hercule Poirot

Like the round hole into the square peg.

Arthur Hastings

You know, Poirot, I sometimes wonder if you don't set me these little tasks just to find out how much embarrassment I can take in any one day.

Hercule Poirot

The facts, Hastings. This is of critical importance.

Arthur Hastings

Charlotte and Mathew Davenheim have occupied separate bedrooms since the spring.

Hercule Poirot

Ah. And it is now the middle of October. Bon. And the bathroom cabinet?

Arthur Hastings

You sure want to hear all this?

Hercule Poirot

Hastings, do you think I play the games?

Arthur Hastings

Two toothbrushes, one hairbrush, one pot of skin cream, one bottle of liver pills, one tube of toothpaste, one shaving brush, one packet of razor blades, one bottle of sleeping pills, one nasal spray, one bottle of eye drops...

Hercule Poirot

Thank you, Hastings. I have heard enough.

Arthur Hastings

There's another two pages.

Hercule Poirot

The evidence, it is complete. Now, Hastings, Miss Lemon, I trust you have no monies deposited in the bank of Davenheim and Selmon?

None.

Arthur Hastings

No? Nor me. Why?

Hercule Poirot

Because I should advise you to withdraw it all, mon ami, before it is too late.

You think there's trouble looming?

Hercule Poirot

I expect a big crash within the next few days, Miss Lemon. Perhaps sooner, hein? So, if you please, a note to the Chief Inspector Japp. Advise you to withdraw any monies deposited with the firm in question. Ah, still he will not comprehend.

Arthur Hastings

I'm not sure I comprehend.

Hercule Poirot

Hastings, as I told you at the start, once all the facts were placed before me, the solution, it becomes inevitable.

Arthur Hastings

I'm worried about Poirot, Ms. Lemon. He's talking about retirement.

That's because he hasn't had an interesting case for five minutes. That, and the fact that someone said he was middle-aged.

Arthur Hastings

Well, he's always been middle-aged. Have you seen that photograph of him in his christening? He looked as though he was about to address a board meeting.

Poirot

[About the Robinsons] Did they strike you as being the gullible young couple, Hastings?

Hastings

No, they didn't.

Poirot

So we assume they possess a special quality the others were lacking, no?

Hastings

They're just an ordinary couple.

Poirot

Voila! There lies the intrigue.

Hercule Poirot

I have worked hard, Hastings, to prepare for you the delicious dinner. I have searched the shops for the exotic herbs. I have argued with the butcher, who is a fool. I have beaten your scallops with a little mallet until my arm, it aches. And you sit there shoveling food in your mouth and writing in your little book.

Arthur Hastings

Oh, I'm sorry. You're always rotting at me about order and method, so I've started to keep this notebook. I've got two columns. The first is to write down all the things I don't understand. Then the second is to write down the explanation.

Hercule Poirot

What is it that you write now?

Arthur Hastings

Well, the first thing is, if Lady Yardly's got the real diamond now and the other one was imitation, who's got the other eye of the Chinese god?

Hercule Poirot

Hastings, there was no Chinese god. There was no connection with China whatsoever. Now, close your little book and eat your dinner.