Felicity Lemon quotes from Agatha Christie's Poirot

Anyone who claims to have been stag-hunting in the Bois de Boulogne, Mister Poirot, has been seriously misinformed about life on the Continent.

You won't forget your dental appointment at eleven, will you, Mr. Poirot?

Poirot

Hercule Poirot does not need to go to the dentist, Miss Lemon.

You've put it off once already.

Poirot

My teeth are perfection. It is sacrilege to tamper with them.

When the boy brings your laundry back, he brings the letters back too for me to explain to him.

Poirot

And you do?

No.

Poirot

Why not?

I don't speak Chinese.

Poirot

So what do you say to him?

Well, I say: "Him collar no very good starchy". I show him the collars and say it.

Poirot

Hastings, my friend, you spent some years in China, did you not?

Hastings

Absolutely. Fine fellows, fine fellows.

Poirot

Did you ever have any trouble with your laundry?

Hastings

Yes, I did, as a matter of fact.

Poirot

And what did you say to them?

Hastings

Well, I said: "Him collar no very good starchy".

That's where I got it from, sir. I asked the Captain knowing he'd been in the East.

Poirot

But Hastings, my collars, they do not get any better.

Hastings

No. Neither did mine, now that I come to think about it. Why don't you get yourself some turn-down collars? They're much more the thing, you know.

Poirot

The "thing", Hastings? You think Poirot concerns himself with mere "thing"ness? The turn-down collar is the first symptom of decay of the grey cells!

Hercule Poirot

It is nearly 11:00. It is important that I have my tisane punctually.

Of course, Mr. Poirot. It's nearly complete, you see. My system. Every one of your cases, classified and cross-referenced five different ways.

Hercule Poirot

Five?

Oh, yes. In this cabinet, names of witnesses. In this, name of perpetrator, if known, Victim's trade or profession, type of case. Abduction, addiction, adultery, see also under "marriage," bigamy, see also under "marriage," bombs.

Hercule Poirot

See also under "marriage"?

Poirot

I have a dinner engagement with my dentist.

Hastings

Your dentist? That's positively morbid.

But you're always trying to avoid him!

Poirot

Not at all. Off duty he's quite charming. Besides, he likes to see the end product at work.

It's only been three weeks since your last case.

Poirot

Three weeks is an eternity to a brain like mine. Without the constant stimulation, my little grey cells will starve and die.

I've got your Friar's Balsam for you.

Poirot

My what?

Your inhalant for your cold.

Poirot

Poirot does not have colds, Miss Lemon. It is well-known that Poirot scorns but the greatest of afflictions.

But yesterday you-

Poirot

Miss Lemon, yesterday was yesterday. My tisane, if you please.

Poirot

I do not like these urgent messages, Miss Lemon.

I never reply to urgent messages. I know they're going to be unpleasant.

Arthur Hastings

You know, Poirot, I sometimes wonder if you don't set me these little tasks just to find out how much embarrassment I can take in any one day.

Hercule Poirot

The facts, Hastings. This is of critical importance.

Arthur Hastings

Charlotte and Mathew Davenheim have occupied separate bedrooms since the spring.

Hercule Poirot

Ah. And it is now the middle of October. Bon. And the bathroom cabinet?

Arthur Hastings

You sure want to hear all this?

Hercule Poirot

Hastings, do you think I play the games?

Arthur Hastings

Two toothbrushes, one hairbrush, one pot of skin cream, one bottle of liver pills, one tube of toothpaste, one shaving brush, one packet of razor blades, one bottle of sleeping pills, one nasal spray, one bottle of eye drops...

Hercule Poirot

Thank you, Hastings. I have heard enough.

Arthur Hastings

There's another two pages.

Hercule Poirot

The evidence, it is complete. Now, Hastings, Miss Lemon, I trust you have no monies deposited in the bank of Davenheim and Selmon?

None.

Arthur Hastings

No? Nor me. Why?

Hercule Poirot

Because I should advise you to withdraw it all, mon ami, before it is too late.

You think there's trouble looming?

Hercule Poirot

I expect a big crash within the next few days, Miss Lemon. Perhaps sooner, hein? So, if you please, a note to the Chief Inspector Japp. Advise you to withdraw any monies deposited with the firm in question. Ah, still he will not comprehend.

Arthur Hastings

I'm not sure I comprehend.

Hercule Poirot

Hastings, as I told you at the start, once all the facts were placed before me, the solution, it becomes inevitable.

Arthur Hastings

I'm worried about Poirot, Ms. Lemon. He's talking about retirement.

That's because he hasn't had an interesting case for five minutes. That, and the fact that someone said he was middle-aged.

Arthur Hastings

Well, he's always been middle-aged. Have you seen that photograph of him in his christening? He looked as though he was about to address a board meeting.

Hercule Poirot

Miss Lemon, if you please, would you come through for a moment with your notepad and pencil? I want that you send a telegram to the Assistant Commissioner Bergman in the police department of New York. "Please supply all available biographical material on Monsieur Rupert Bleibner, nephew to the wealthy Monsieur Felix Bleibner. Best wishes, Hercule Poirot."

I could say "biog."

Hercule Poirot

Comment?

Instead of "biographical," I could say "biog."

Hercule Poirot

Is that a word, Miss Lemon?

It sounds efficient. I heard someone say it in a picture. "Give me the biog on Dutch Schultz, Miss Longfellow."

Hercule Poirot

"Biographical material" will do very nicely, thank you, Miss Lemon.

Arthur Hastings

There's nothing like marriage, that's the truth of it. The day I met Bella, it was as if I'd found myself. Ever since, I've been a completely different man.

James Japp

Different man, yes. Could say the same about me, I suppose.

But you're happily married, Chief Inspector.

James Japp

I don't know about that, Miss Lemon. You see, my Emily, she just doesn't understand my work. She never lets me talk about murder at the dinner table. And her tidying! It just gets worse and worse. Sometimes, I wonder how I've lived with her these twenty-seven-and-a-half years.

It's a shame you've never considered marriage, Mr Poirot.

Hercule Poirot

There were occasions, Miss Lemon, when I did have la tentation. The temptation. But now, alas, I think it is too late.

So you knew all along that it wasn't Brian, then?

Hercule Poirot

Oui, mademoiselle. But Monsieur Martin was not alone in his dislike for Lady Edgware. [to Miss Carroll] You, Miss Carroll. When I asked you the identity of the woman you saw entering the hall of Regent Gate...

[flashback, talking to Poirot and Hastings] It was her. I'd know her anywhere. And I saw her quite clearly.

Hercule Poirot

But you were standing high up on the landing. The person who entered that night wore a hat with a slanting brim. From where you were standing, it would have been impossible to see the face.

I saw her.

Hercule Poirot

Non, mademoiselle. You saw, I think, what you wished to see, hein? The woman who had wronged the man you had well served.

It's true. She never deserved him.

Hercule Poirot

And it would have been impossible for Jane Wilkinson to have committed the murder. Because as we now know, Jane Wilkinson changed her mind and attended the dinner at Holborn. [to everyone] But from the beginning, I have been perplexed by five questions. One: What happened to the letter written by Lord Edgware informing his wife that he had agreed to the divorce? Two: Who is this letter P on the little gold medicine box? Three: Who made the telephone call to Jane Wilkinson at the dinner at Holborn? Four: How did a pair of pince-nez come to be discovered in the handbag of Carlotta Adams? And five: Why did the letter of Carlotta Adams state quite clearly that it was Ronald Marsh who paid to her the sum of $2,000 when it was impossible he could have afforded that sum?

Do you have the answers?

Of course Mr. Poirot has the answers. That's why you're here.

Hercule Poirot

Ah, madame. You are a woman most remarkable. Eh, parbleu, to pull over my eyes the cotton wool. The letter, the disguise. Et surtout, to send me to your husband, to turn me into a witness that you had no motive for murder. Ma foi! You made of me, Hercule Poirot, your cat's-paw.

But it's true, Mr. Poirot. There was no motive if she was going to get a divorce.

Hercule Poirot

A divorce would have been of no use to her, Miss Lemon. Which is why she pretended never to have received the letter from her husband. [to the Duke of Merton] Monsieur le Duc, you are of the religion catholique, n'est-ce pas?

Yes, I am. How did you know?

Hercule Poirot

Jane Wilkinson told me you intended to get married at Westminster. Et naturellement, I assumed that she meant the Abbey. But later, you invited me to the Cathedral. Westminster Cathedral. Et voila. It was then that I knew that you must be catholique.

James Japp

And he couldn't marry a divorced woman.

Hercule Poirot

Oui.

James Japp

So that's why Lord Edgware had to die.

My God, Jane. Tell me it isn't true.

I'm sorry, Percy. [to Poirot] I really thought I'd get away with it, you know. I thought I had you, ze great detective, 'round my little finger. I've always had that, you know. A power over men.

Hercule Poirot

I wished only to protect you, madame. But I could not protect you from yourself.

Jane!

Oh, I'm not going to deny it, Percy. Why should I? After all, I've actually enjoyed it. All of it. Even being caught. I mean, it does put me centre stage. And who knows? Maybe they'll put me in Madame Tussauds.