James Japp quotes from Agatha Christie's Poirot

James Japp

The professional private detective, ladies and gentlemen, is not the glamorous figure of fiction. He is a man who, failing in more worthy walks of life and being of meddlesome and troublemaking disposition, finally comes to rest in a dingy office over the chip shop, where he plies for hire in the sordid world of petty crime and divorce. Except, I have to say, for one. I have been fortunate in my career, in that many, in fact most of my cases have been shared with the most extraordinary of private detectives and, if I may borrow a word from his own native tongue, that doyen of the Belgian police force, Monsieur Hercule Poirot. I think I may say without fear of contradiction that Hercule Poirot has one of the most original minds of the 20th century. Intelligent, brave, sensitive, devastatingly quick, Hercule Poirot stands head and shoulders above any other detective of my considerable experience.

Hercule Poirot

Monsieur Waverly felt that Scotland Yard was not convinced about the seriousness of the case.

James Japp

So he came to you, eh, Mr. Poirot?

Hercule Poirot

Monsieur Waverly is a man of fine judgment and intelligence. Perhaps this is a serious matter.

James Japp

You think so, eh?

Hercule Poirot

I think better the safeness than the sorrow, Chief Inspector.

James Japp

Very true, Mr. Poirot, very true, if you've got unlimited manpower. We see a hundred of these every day, Mr. Waverly. If we was to go chasing about after every one...

Hercule Poirot

A hundred, Chief Inspector?

James Japp

Well, perhaps not a hundred. Mustn't be too literal, Mr. Poirot.

Hercule Poirot

Ah. Every day?

James Japp

Every week, anyway. This is some disaffected employee, some envious neighbor.

We're wasting our time, Mr. Poirot.

James Japp

No call to take umbrage, Mr. Waverly.

I'm a simple country squire. I pay my taxes, and I'm used to something in return. Now I know better.

James Japp

There are a lot of taxpayers, Mr. Waverly. There are even quite a lot of country squires. If we was to...

You're not only uncooperative, sir. You're damned offensive.

James Japp

As you so rightly point out, you are paying me to exercise my judgment and discretion as to what is a serious threat to public order and what is not, and this is not.

Your superior shall hear of this.

James Japp

I hope he enjoys it as much as I have.

James Japp

Must be depressing for you when that sort of things happen, eh, Poirot?

Hercule Poirot

What sort of things?

James Japp

Everything working out for the best. Some married couple ready for a second honeymoon. Orphan children reunited with their parents.

Hercule Poirot

Yes, it is hard. But we must put on it the brave face, eh? And not allow cheerfulness to keep breaking through.

James Japp

Do you ever think of going to sea, Poirot?

Hercule Poirot

No, no, my friend. This is as close as I like to get.

Sir! Sir! The inspector says, "Can you come, please, sir?" The trial's been adjourned.

James Japp

Adjourned? What for?

Mr. Radnor's confessed, sir.

James Japp

Confessed?

To the murder. He confessed to that French gent. In writing.

Hercule Poirot

It is most obscure, Chief Inspector, which gives me the great hopes of solving it.

James Japp

I'm afraid I can't see it myself.

Hercule Poirot

Ah, but I do not see, mon ami. I shut my eyes and I think. One must always seek the truth from within.

There's not the least clue who the victim may be.

Hercule Poirot

It is possible that the surname of the intended victim will begin with the letter B.

That would be something.

Hercule Poirot

I suggest it as a possibility, no more. It came to my mind when I read the signature "A.B.C." on the first letter and again when I heard the name of the unfortunate woman in Andover.

Arthur Hastings

You mean, first a Mrs. Ascher in Andover, then someone beginning with B in Bexhill?

Hercule Poirot

Oui.

James Japp

Well, that's possible, I suppose. I mean, we are dealing with a madman.

Arthur Hastings

But so far he hasn't given us any clue as to his motive.

James Japp

Does a madman have any motive?

Perhaps he's gonna murder someone in every town of the alphabet all the way from Andover to, uh...

Hercule Poirot

Zennor. [off Superintendent Carter's baffled look] I've thought a lot about it, you see.

I wish I could make you understand, Monsieur Poirot, about my meeting with Rebecca and my marriage. Gerda understood, didn't you, old girl? We could have married again after Rebecca's death, but, do you know, we'd come to rather enjoy all the secrecy. She's an actress through and through. She would have found it very dull being just one character. Well, I've killed three people, so presumably I ought to hang. But haven't I done something for England? I have held it firm. I have kept it solvent. I have kept it free from dictators. I am necessary to the continuing peace and well-being of this nation.

James Japp

Is he saying what I think he's saying?

What about me? He was gonna let me hang.

Hercule Poirot

Précisément. Monsieur Blunt, with his usual efficiency, had provided for himself a second line of defense. If things went wrong, you, Monsieur Carter, you were to be the scapegoat. You see, by now, Monsieur Blunt knows of Monsieur Morley's opinion regarding you, and so he arranges for you to be engaged in a most mysterious fashion as a gardener. And how easy for Helen Montressor to fire a shot vaguely in your direction, drop the pistol at your feet, where you are bound to pick it up? You are caught red-handed, and of course nobody is going to believe your story, your ridiculous story about being employed by the secret service. No. As far as Monsieur Blunt is concerned, you can end your short life on the gallows.

I don't waste pity on people like him.

Hercule Poirot

Eh bien, Monsieur Blunt. That is where you and I, we do not see alike, for to me, the lives of those three people are just as important as your own life. [starts to leave but stops and faces Blunt] Monsieur Blunt, you talk of the continued peace of this nation, hein? Oh, yes, that is very good. But Poirot is not concerned with nations. Poirot is concerned with private individuals, who have the right not to have taken from them their lives.

James Japp

What are these bloomin' things, Poirot?

Hercule Poirot

Ah. Now these are the miniature gardens of Madame Alfred Lee.

James Japp

What's the point of havin' a miniature garden? I mean, you can't do anything with it, can you? You can't take a deck chair out and sit it in.

[after being exposed as the murderer] Dorothy Ferrars was an adulterous murdering bitch! She lorded it over us! All the money she had, she never worked for it, nor did her drunk of a husband before her. They were idle, useless parasites.

Stop it, James.

No! They didn't know what it was like. Scrimping and saving year after year, never able to afford a holiday, on call day and night to every idiot with a bilious attack for miles around. You've no right to stand in judgment on me. Blackmail? You call it blackmail? The law wouldn't punish her, would they? So I did. Well, there you are. I've done your work for you. Sorry Caro. Killing Ackroyd was easy. The knife was sharp, and I knew just where to strike. And for the rest, I simply had to follow my plan. The first thing to do was make sure everyone remembered me leaving the house. I drove away but parked the car a little way down the drive. Then I had to make it look as if Ralph Paton had entered through the window. He was a pathetic, profligate fellow. I knew Ackroyd had bought a dictaphone and had been using it. Now, I was going to use it to arrange for Ackroyd to speak from the grave. And then the business of the chair, which so intrigued you. I'd left Ralph Paton's muddy shoe outside when I entered through the window. Now, as I made my escape, I was able to use it to make a footprint on the sill.

Hercule Poirot

And then, of course, the dictaphone did its work. Which convinces us that Monsieur Roger Ackroyd was alive at half past nine, by which time you were safely back at home awaiting the telephone call from the patient whom you had persuaded to take part in what you had told him was a practical joke.

Yes, you did well there, Poirot. I was quite surprised when you showed us your telegram from the ocean liner. Well done.

Hercule Poirot

Thank you.

I needed the excuse of his phone call, you see, to ensure that I was first on the scene when the murder was discovered. I'd carefully calculated the position of the chair so that the dictaphone would be hidden from anyone standing in the doorway. When I'd sent Parker to telephone for the police, I had ample time to remove my contrivance and put the chair back in its accustomed place. Finally, I had to tell Ralph Paton of his uncle's murder, persuade him that he was in danger and get him to accompany me to the nursing home.

James Japp

Why did you kill Parker?

Parker was too observant. He remembered that he'd brought in five letters, not four, and that one of them was handwritten on dark blue paper. He knew he hadn't moved the chair. How long would it be before he realized I had? No, I couldn't take that chance.

Arthur Hastings

There's nothing like marriage, that's the truth of it. The day I met Bella, it was as if I'd found myself. Ever since, I've been a completely different man.

James Japp

Different man, yes. Could say the same about me, I suppose.

But you're happily married, Chief Inspector.

James Japp

I don't know about that, Miss Lemon. You see, my Emily, she just doesn't understand my work. She never lets me talk about murder at the dinner table. And her tidying! It just gets worse and worse. Sometimes, I wonder how I've lived with her these twenty-seven-and-a-half years.

It's a shame you've never considered marriage, Mr Poirot.

Hercule Poirot

There were occasions, Miss Lemon, when I did have la tentation. The temptation. But now, alas, I think it is too late.

Hercule Poirot

Ah, madame. You are a woman most remarkable. Eh, parbleu, to pull over my eyes the cotton wool. The letter, the disguise. Et surtout, to send me to your husband, to turn me into a witness that you had no motive for murder. Ma foi! You made of me, Hercule Poirot, your cat's-paw.

But it's true, Mr. Poirot. There was no motive if she was going to get a divorce.

Hercule Poirot

A divorce would have been of no use to her, Miss Lemon. Which is why she pretended never to have received the letter from her husband. [to the Duke of Merton] Monsieur le Duc, you are of the religion catholique, n'est-ce pas?

Yes, I am. How did you know?

Hercule Poirot

Jane Wilkinson told me you intended to get married at Westminster. Et naturellement, I assumed that she meant the Abbey. But later, you invited me to the Cathedral. Westminster Cathedral. Et voila. It was then that I knew that you must be catholique.

James Japp

And he couldn't marry a divorced woman.

Hercule Poirot

Oui.

James Japp

So that's why Lord Edgware had to die.

My God, Jane. Tell me it isn't true.

I'm sorry, Percy. [to Poirot] I really thought I'd get away with it, you know. I thought I had you, ze great detective, 'round my little finger. I've always had that, you know. A power over men.

Hercule Poirot

I wished only to protect you, madame. But I could not protect you from yourself.

Jane!

Oh, I'm not going to deny it, Percy. Why should I? After all, I've actually enjoyed it. All of it. Even being caught. I mean, it does put me centre stage. And who knows? Maybe they'll put me in Madame Tussauds.

Hercule Poirot

[after Hastings theorizes that Arlena Stuart was hiding from someone] Hastings, once again, you come up with an explanation that makes everything clear.

James Japp

Not to me it doesn't.

Arthur Hastings

You mean she was afraid of someone?

Hercule Poirot

I mean, Hastings, that there is evil on this island. And the murder that took place here was the work of a mind that was brilliant. But there is one thing the killer did not expect. The mind of Hercule Poirot. Eh bien. It is now time for these two minds to meet, and the truth at last must come to light.

I just had to wind you up like a clockwork toy and off you went. You and your little newspaper. Spreading fear, confusion, hate. An emotional soup, pulsing. You really have been a most useful ally.

But my informer? The letters? The playing cards?

Hercule Poirot

All sent from Monsieur Darrell.

James Japp

So the fella who turned up with a knife in his back?

Hercule Poirot

In reality a tramp dressed in a theatrical costume, the clues of the playing cards planted upon him.

Reality, Monsieur Poirot? Who is to say where fantasy ends and reality begins?

Hercule Poirot

Well, let us speak of beginnings, monsieur! Act One of a drama so very strange. Albert Whalley. A boy, an orphan, poor and unloved, who was sent away to live with his uncle who was cold and aloof.

Albert Whalley is a name I haven't used in years.

Hercule Poirot

Non, but an uncle who disapproved of your fantasies and your desire to tread the boards.

All those years of listening to that old fool. Going on about his precious Chinaman, Li Chang Yen. I began to see possibilities.

Hercule Poirot

Oui. But then you had the task most difficult, non? To worm your way into the confidences of the members of the Peace Party.

Child's play. I forged my references and quietly took up my position as Dr Quentin. Paynter's condition, it's not really very difficult to research. I'm an actor, Monsieur Poirot, and a bloody good one.

Hercule Poirot

Oh, yes, indeed, monsieur, your ability to blend in, to pass yourself off in all manner of disguises, which has proven so useful. You have the genius of the character actor. Savaranoff was killed to implicate Abe Ryland. Your uncle died to throw suspicion onto Li Chang Yen. And Stephen Paynter, who was innocent, murdered to incriminate Madame Olivier.

He was a weak fool. His weakness was his conscience. I merely persuaded him that it wasn't decent for them to continue their silly love affair.

James Japp

That's all it was, then? Diana Paynter overheard him ending the affair? It had nothing to do with the Big Four?

Hercule Poirot

Indeed so, mon ami.

But why? In God's name, what the hell was it all for?

For me. Wasn't it, Mr. Poirot?

Hercule Poirot

Oui, mademoiselle. For the woman who spurned him all those years ago. For therein lies your tragedy, Monsieur Darrell. The very gift that could have turned you into the actor supreme makes you forgettable. The man who blends in. The man whose name nobody ever can quite remember. The man who disappears. Albert Whalley, Claud Darrell, Dr Quentin, Number Four. Whatever you choose to call yourself, monsieur, you adore the flourish that is theatrical.

You've got a nerve.

Hercule Poirot

Comment?

All this. You'd already worked out where I was. You could have sent the police to arrest me at any time. But instead you wanted your grand finale, show everyone just how clever you've been. Oh, we're more alike than you think, Poirot.