Arthur Hastings quotes from Agatha Christie's Poirot

Hastings

[Reading headlines from the newspaper] "Belgravian Overseas Bank Clerk Absconds With Fortune".

Poirot

How much is this fortune?

Hastings

Er... 90,000 pounds.

Poirot

No.

Hastings

It's a king's ransom, Poirot!

Poirot

When it is used to ransom a king, it becomes interesting to Poirot.

Hastings

There doesn't seem to be any crime at all as far as I can see.

Poirot

No, it is a curious case. Full of contradictory features. I am interested. Yes, I am distinctly interested.

Poirot

And you, Hastings, do not you run away with such celerity. I have work for you too.

Hastings

Oh! Er... As a matter of fact, I was thinking of popping down to Sandown this afternoon... There's a horse running a pal of mine owns a leg of.

Poirot

When he owns four legs, I pop with you. But now it's time for work, yes?

Hastings

Look at that view!

Poirot

Yes, well, views are very nice, Hastings. But they should be painted for us so that we can study them in the warmth and comfort of our own homes. That is why we pay the artist for exposing himself to these conditions on our behalf.

Hastings

What do you mean conditions? It's a wonderful day. Just fill your lungs with that air.

Poirot

No, my poor friend. This sort of air is intended for birds and little furry things. The lungs of Hercule Poirot demands something more substantial - the good air of the town!

Hastings

Where is Mrs. Japp tonight then?

She can't abide fireworks.

Poirot

Ah, the noise disturbs the delicate sensibilities of many ladies.

Maybe, maybe. I think it's more that she doesn't like to see people enjoying themselves.

Hastings

Tell you what though, what a good night for a murder, eh? I mean, if somebody wanted to kill anybody, nobody would know if it was a gunshot or a firework.

Poirot

But not so good, my friend, if your chosen method is strangulation.

Hastings

No. That's true, no.

Or poisoning, come to that.

When the boy brings your laundry back, he brings the letters back too for me to explain to him.

Poirot

And you do?

No.

Poirot

Why not?

I don't speak Chinese.

Poirot

So what do you say to him?

Well, I say: "Him collar no very good starchy". I show him the collars and say it.

Poirot

Hastings, my friend, you spent some years in China, did you not?

Hastings

Absolutely. Fine fellows, fine fellows.

Poirot

Did you ever have any trouble with your laundry?

Hastings

Yes, I did, as a matter of fact.

Poirot

And what did you say to them?

Hastings

Well, I said: "Him collar no very good starchy".

That's where I got it from, sir. I asked the Captain knowing he'd been in the East.

Poirot

But Hastings, my collars, they do not get any better.

Hastings

No. Neither did mine, now that I come to think about it. Why don't you get yourself some turn-down collars? They're much more the thing, you know.

Poirot

The "thing", Hastings? You think Poirot concerns himself with mere "thing"ness? The turn-down collar is the first symptom of decay of the grey cells!

Arthur Hastings

Why won't you let me drive you?

Hercule Poirot

Hastings, the train has one advantage over the car. It does not often run out of coal.

Poirot

I have a dinner engagement with my dentist.

Hastings

Your dentist? That's positively morbid.

But you're always trying to avoid him!

Poirot

Not at all. Off duty he's quite charming. Besides, he likes to see the end product at work.

Hastings

[The car]'s been running like a bird since I've fitted the new gaskets.

Poirot

Birds do not run, Hastings. When you were little, you should have paid more attention to your lessons in biology.

Hastings

You're really in a bad way, aren't you?

Poirot

Well, my friend, as one approaches the end, one begins to see life as it truly is.

Hastings

[Grieving over his now totaled car] The front axle's sheared right through.

Poirot

Oh, mon pauvre Hastings. [With sudden enthusiasm] But you must not brood! You must occupy yourself, eh? Go and telephone the Chief Inspector Japp and tell him we have caught his fish.

Poirot

Oh Hastings, Hastings.

Hastings

What?

Poirot

Whatever is the use of me introducing you to nice young ladies if all you do is talk about the shooting of the clay pigeons.

Hastings

But they like it. You heard what Ms. Henderson said. She'd love to talk about it tomorrow.

Poirot

[Shaking head] Oh Hastings, Hastings, Hastings.

Arthur Hastings

How would you work out cubic what-you-call-'ems?

Hercule Poirot

Comment?

Arthur Hastings

Cubic thingummies. How do you work them out? I mean, this ceiling's, what, ten feet up, yes? So, do you multiply ten...

Hercule Poirot

Hastings, I am trying to instruct you in the care of patent leather, something that will be of use to you in later life.

Arthur Hastings

Well, so will cubic whatsits. Suppose I had to survey something or something.

Hercule Poirot

You do not deceive me, Hastings. You are having these eccentric thoughts because of this girl of yours, huh? This student of architecture.

Arthur Hastings

Well, we never seem to have anything to talk about. I tried reading a book about Bernini. She's very keen on Bernini. I couldn't make head or tail of it.

Hercule Poirot

No, no, no, no, no, no, Hastings. Women do not wish to talk about Bernini and cubic thingummies. I don't know that she wants to talk about anything.

Arthur Hastings

She's never in when I call 'round to see her. I end up having tea with her mother every day.

Poirot

Hastings, to say that Benedict Farley makes pies is like saying that Wagner wrote semiquavers.

Hastings

They're good pies, are they?

Poirot

No, horrible. But there are a great many of them.

Poirot

Hastings, there are two reasons why I should never become a millionaire.

Hastings

What are they, Poirot?

Poirot

The first: That I should never make the detestable pork pies, eh? And the second: I am too understanding towards my employees.

Hastings

[Looking out the window during a flight] Looks just like a patchwork quilt, doesn't it?

Poirot

[Terrified of heights, his eyes closed] No!

Hastings

Well, it does to me. Does to everybody else.

Poirot

Not to Poirot!

Hastings

I suppose you don't think [those clouds] look like a great mass of cotton wool.

Poirot

No!

Hastings

I don't think you've got any imagination at all, Poirot.

Poirot

That is true, mon ami. But fortunately, you have enough for both of us.