Laurie quotes from A Bit of Fry and Laurie

How may we serve?

Well, I was after a pair of shoes.

Very well. I shall serve them first.

You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despise?

Ooh, not since I was nine! Do you like it straight up?

What?

[holding up his drink] Or with ice?

Ice.

Right-ho. [adds ice] Cocktail onion?

No thanks.

She takes no interest in my friends, you know. She laughs at my…

Peanuts?

Hobbies. She doesn't even value my...

Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsit?

Career. You know, it's just so depressing. Alright, so other men have got larger...

Plums?

Salaries. And better prospects. And other men can boast a healthier-looking...

Stool?

[sitting on stool] Lifestyle.

Alright, so, so I haven't got loads of cash hanging around. You know, but why complain? Other people are worse off. I've got a job. I've got two sweet, rosy...

Nibbles?

Children. She goes on and on about my appearance. I mean, it's not as if she's an oil painting, you know. I mean, frankly she's...

[points] Plain and prawn-flavoured.

She's not as young as she used to be herself

I don't know why I bother with women. I'd be better off being a...

Fruit?

Monk, or a hermit, or something. At least if I was a…

Fag?

At least if I was a monk, you know, I wouldn't have to put up with women. You know, women going on and on, who can talk the hind leg off a...

Camel?

Donkey. Trouble is, I couldn't live without women. You know, in a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of...

Chocolate HobNob?

Peace and spirituality. Let's face it; we haven't slept together for years. You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of...

Savoury finger?

A bit of a cuddle at Christmas. And, naturally, she won't let me give her so much as a…

[points offstage] Good juicy tongue in the back passage.

Just a peck on the cheek.

The trouble with that woman is that she's just a…

Rather disgusting-looking tart that should've been disposed of ages ago?

I tell you what it is: she's a complainer, that's what she is.

Michael, you must be very thrilled with that result. Take us through the race.

Yes, well, I was, uh... not very happy with the car. We had a lot of problems, and uh.. the car was not so good, I think.

Yes, but- but you won. It was a great result for you, you must be very happy.

Well, we had a lot of problems with the car, and I was... was not so happy, it was very hard.

Yes, but you won...

I won, yes, but, there were many, many problems, and it was very hard, and difficult, and I was not happy at all with the car

Yes, yes- *stammers* You did actually win, did I get that straight? You actually won the race?

Well, a lot of problems, yes, and it was very hard-

Yeh, well, leaving aside, for the moment, how hard it was, are you happy... to have won... the race.

Well, it was very difficult-

Yes, well, it really was difficult. Presumably, that's why you get paid half a million pounds per race, and get as much sex as you can eat. I just need to know if this makes you happy, having won the race. Delighted, enchanté, over the frigging moon!

Well, we had a lot of problems-

ARE YOU HAPPY?!

It was very difficult-

ARE YOU HAPPY?!

Many prob-

AREYOUHAPPY?!

ARE. YOU. ARSEING WELL. HAPPY. YOU DISMAL, MOANING, FRENCH TWAT!

You do a job... that half of mankind would KILL to be able to do, and you can have sex... with the other half, as often as you like. I just need to know if this makes you HAPPY!

...We had a lot of problems-