Fry quotes from A Bit of Fry and Laurie

Well next week I shall be examining the claims of a man who says that in a previous existence he was Education Secretary Kenneth Baker and I shall be talking to a woman who claims she can make flowers grow just by planting seeds in soil and watering them. Until then, wait very quietly in your seats please. Goodnight.

Estate Agents: you can't live with them, you can't live with them. With their jangling keys, nasty suits, revolting beards, moustaches and tinted spectacles, estate agents roam the land causing perturbation and despair. If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.

[voiceover] Good old Berent's cocoa. Always there. Original or New Berent's, specially prepared for the mature citizens in your life, with nature's added store of powerful barbiturates and heroin.

Well, I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson.

It's ludicrously easy to knock Mrs. Thatcher, isn't it? It's the simplest, easiest and most obvious thing in the world to remark that she's a shameful, putrid scab, an embarrassing, ludicrous monstrosity that makes one frankly ashamed to be British and that her ideas and standards are a stain on our national history. That's easy! Anyone can see that! Nothing difficult about that! But after tonight, no one will ever accuse us again with failing to come up with something to take her place. Hugh?

In my dreams I've played snooker with Stephen Hendry. I've sung with Barbra Streisand and I've been to bed with Anneka Rice. In reality I've played snooker with Barbra Streisand, I've sung with Anneka Rice and I've been to bed with Stephen Hendry. Sometimes life can be even better than the dream.

Ah. I fancy I detect a wrinkle of concern on your otherwise smooth and toboggonable brow. Yes, your intimations are right. Business is not what it was. It is not even what it is. It may not even be what it will be.

A good wife, or a good business partner?

Is there a difference, Peter?

I hope so, John.

If I had my way with that Mervin Bragg...

..no one would be the least surprised.

I appreciate that you're trying to help here, but I also used my genitals for, you know, expelling urine.

That's the beauty of the system. When people see you in a combat jacket and driving around in a white van with Killer in the back, the piss will be taken out of you constantly.

Twenty-five years ago the doctors told your mother and me that it would be impossible for us ever to have children.

Oh, why not?

I can't remember the exact reason; it was something to do with penises I think.

How may we serve?

Well, I was after a pair of shoes.

Very well. I shall serve them first.

You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage with a woman you despise?

Ooh, not since I was nine! Do you like it straight up?

What?

[holding up his drink] Or with ice?

Ice.

Right-ho. [adds ice] Cocktail onion?

No thanks.

She takes no interest in my friends, you know. She laughs at my…

Peanuts?

Hobbies. She doesn't even value my...

Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsit?

Career. You know, it's just so depressing. Alright, so other men have got larger...

Plums?

Salaries. And better prospects. And other men can boast a healthier-looking...

Stool?

[sitting on stool] Lifestyle.

Alright, so, so I haven't got loads of cash hanging around. You know, but why complain? Other people are worse off. I've got a job. I've got two sweet, rosy...

Nibbles?

Children. She goes on and on about my appearance. I mean, it's not as if she's an oil painting, you know. I mean, frankly she's...

[points] Plain and prawn-flavoured.

She's not as young as she used to be herself