Laurie and Fry in “Episode 3”

I don't know why I bother with women. I'd be better off being a...

Fruit?

Monk, or a hermit, or something. At least if I was a…

Fag?

At least if I was a monk, you know, I wouldn't have to put up with women. You know, women going on and on, who can talk the hind leg off a...

Camel?

Donkey. Trouble is, I couldn't live without women. You know, in a monastery the best you can hope for is a bit of...

Chocolate HobNob?

Peace and spirituality. Let's face it; we haven't slept together for years. You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of...

Savoury finger?

A bit of a cuddle at Christmas. And, naturally, she won't let me give her so much as a…

[points offstage] Good juicy tongue in the back passage.

Just a peck on the cheek.