Laurie quotes from A Bit of Fry and Laurie

[Examining a plate] See this? You could eat your dinner off this.

[with an electronic organiser] Ask me anything, a telephone number, what time it is in Adelaide. Tell you what, I can tell you exactly what I'll be doing on the third of August 1997, say. Hang on... [presses a few buttons]. Nothing. See, it says. Nothing.

You know what makes me REALLY mad? It's this new drug, ecstasy. Makes me MAD!

You know what makes me REALLY mad? It's this belief that I'm John the Baptist.

[nervously] Good evening. Table for bomb, please.

Yes, I drive a Vauxhall Nova Splash. Uh, it's a limited edition. I think they only made one and a half million of them.

Well, we had our first child on the NHS and had to wait nine months, can you believe it.

I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper.

[Walking away] No, I can't stop, I'm afraid. My wife is being towed away.

A good wife, or a good business partner?

Is there a difference, Peter?

I hope so, John.

Did your children see the...

No, they didn't. They didn't see it. But only thanks to the purest good fortune that they don't happen to have been born yet, otherwise I dread to think what damage may have been caused. It was simply disgusting.

Our Venice is being taken away from us. It's heaving with Germans.

And Italians! The place is absolutely heaving with Italians.

If I had my way with that Mervin Bragg...

..no one would be the least surprised.

I appreciate that you're trying to help here, but I also used my genitals for, you know, expelling urine.

That's the beauty of the system. When people see you in a combat jacket and driving around in a white van with Killer in the back, the piss will be taken out of you constantly.

Twenty-five years ago the doctors told your mother and me that it would be impossible for us ever to have children.

Oh, why not?

I can't remember the exact reason; it was something to do with penises I think.