Eric quotes from 7th Heaven

Eric

(to Stanley, telling him why he shouldn't smoke and drink): 'Cause Stanley, I want you to live!

Eric

So you took up plumbing when we were pregnant with Simon?

Annie

No, Electrical and Plumbing was Mary, Simon was Ethnic Cooking

Mary

(referring to kissing) The point is, I don't know where my hands go or his hands or my face or his face or his lips or my lips, and I don't want it to be awkward, couldn't you just show me so I have some experience.

Matt

Don't kiss me.

Mary

Would you stop, I'm not gonna kiss you. Ok, so do I touch his face with my hands. (Mary moves her hand toward his face)

Matt

No, look if anybody touches face, he touches your face or maybe he doesn't, I don't know.

Mary

(starts moving toward a kiss) So I close my eyes and... (Eric sees Mary trying to kiss Matt)

Matt

Oh Dad, this isn't what it looks like.

Eric

That's a relief.

Annie

(to Ruthie) Do you have Daddy's shoes honey?

Eric

You know Daddy really needs his shoes so if you have them (Ruthie smiles and runs away)....I'll wear my good ones. Have you seen my keys?

Annie

On the counter.

Eric

On the counter....and uh...my wedding ring?

Annie

Bathroom sink.

Eric

Oh. Good. Now all I need to do is find the list of people that I'm supposed to visit...(Annie hands him the list) Thanks.

Annie

I don't know what you'd do without me.

Eric

(kissing her) A lot less of this.

Annie

You know what I was thinking?

Eric

That once we get Ruthie in school we can walk around naked again?

Annie

(smiling) No...

Eric

But we could. (Annie nods)

Eric

So many questions I don't know where to start. Why don't we try where were you?

Matt

I was at a friend's.

Eric

What friend?

Matt

Just a friend, you don't know her.

Eric

Oh it's a her? That's interesting. Have you completely lost your mind? You stupid idiot

Eric

I've got three daughters myself.

Yeah, any of them pregnant? (slams the door in his face)

Lucy

You remember my dad?

Oh yeah, the God guy.

Eric

Yeah, I see how you charmed my daughter.

Matt

I'm sorry, Dad. I'm a total screw-up.

Eric

(before lovingly embracing his son) Not total.

Eric

(to Mary) So what are you and Jeff doing tonight? (Mary stares at him) That's right I'm prying. It's my job, my duty, my life.

Mary

Oh I don't know. We really don't have any plans, we might just drop by a party or something.

Eric

Whose party?

Annie

Have we met these people?

Mary

I don't think so.

Eric

Is it just for older kids?

Mary

I don't know.

Annie

Is alcohol allowed?

Eric

Will the parents be home?

Mary

I'm not sure, it's just a party. It's not like the guy throwing it handed out his biography.

Eric

That would be autobiography and if he had you might have had a shot at going.

Mary

Dad!

Eric

Sorry kiddo, not gonna happen.

Mary

What am I supposed to tell Jeff?

Annie

The truth. That we said no.

Eric

He knows who your parents are.

Mary

Yeah, the people trying to ruin my life! Stomps off

Eric

Not only trying, but sometimes succeeding.

Eric

Alone at last!

Annie

Worth the wait!

Eric

I'm glad to hear you say that!

I'm a tortured man because...I'm a Bigamist!

Eric

Well, I have good news. She can't divorce you, you're not legally married.

Eric

Hey, Luce, have you seen your mom?

Lucy

(shakes her head) Not lately.

Eric

(walking over to Lucy sitting down in the hallway) Hey, how's my little girl?

Lucy

Not so good.

Simon

(just waking up) Hey where's Grandpa?

Eric

I'm sorry Simon but...he's gone.

Simon

Wow him too?

Eric

No, to Phoenix, Simon he went back to Phoenix.

Simon

(chuckling) Oh. I thought you meant---

Matt

Come on Simon let's go.

Lucy

It's not fair. Grandma should be here. It's like there's a party and she wasn't invited.

Eric

Luce, I know it's weird having all these people here, and all this food, but...it's not really a party. It's just people who cared about your grandma and your mom, who are trying to--

Lucy

I don't mean today, Daddy. I mean life. It's going on without her. It just isn't fair.

Annie

I can't believe Daddy.

Eric

He's still in shock. He's not himself.

Annie

No. Unfortunately, he's exactly himself.