21 Jump Street Season 1 quotes

Off. Tom Hanson

This is Jump Street Chapel, right?

Off. Doug Penhall

Only if you're Catholic. Ioki here thinks this is a Buddhist temple. Me? I think it's a synagogue. You know, my mom's Jewish, which only means I get to celebrate both guilt and hell.

Yeah, you see, his father used to be a priest, so don't play bingo with this guy. He's a killer.

You gotta turbocharge the hair or something, Hanson. You look like Richie Cunningham.

Breakfast?

No, thanks. I'll grab an omelette later.

Uh-uh. No, you won't. When was the last time you saw a teenager have a cup of black coffee and an omelet for breakfast? Uh-uh. From now on, it's potato chips, soda pop, French fries and pizza, man. It's the Pepsi Generation, sport! [throws Hanson a bag of chips]

[catching the chips] Don't call me "sport," okay?

Hey, pard, I'm your boss. I'll call you anything I want. Have a seat, sport.

Now we're about four weeks ahead of you here, Hanson. So I'm going to have to rush you through some of the training.

What kind of training?

Hoffs! Gonna teach you how to be a teenager again, sport. How does that grab you? I'm talking about the bad kind. The kind that gets into trouble. The kind you're going to have to be like so's they think you're one of them. Dig. Hey, Hoffs! Wake up!

Relax, relax, I'm up.

Hoffs, Hanson. Hanson, Hoffs.

(slow, nervous smile spreading across his face) Hi.

Jude, run this cat down to wardrobe and see if we can take some of the cop out of his presentation. And for God's sake, do something about the Jack Kennedy haircut too, will ya?

Go with what Officer Hoffs tells you, Hanson. Been real, bro! Stick with Hoffs here and hook us up with a little field training tonight. [He gives Hanson an elaborate handshake which ends with Cpt. Jenko running his hand through his hair while Hanson's hand is still stuck out] Later!

(to Hoffs) Are you kidding me?

Oh, so Jenk's a little bit of a hang-on hippie. Big deal! 'Cause when it comes to going undercover, the dude is the best. [sticking out hand] I'm Judy Hoffs.

Uh, that's okay, honey. My people don't do that anymore. [gives regular handshake while patting Hanson's hand condescendingly]

Oh. [holds out bag of chips] Chip?

Terrific! Terrific! What the hell are you doing, Hanson?!

Making an arrest! Suspect threatened to kill me. [pulls out filled Ziplock bag] But not until I made the purchase. Open and shut. Solicit of sale and we made the exchange. [to the man on the ground] Didn't we, Jase? Didn't we, Jase?!

Hey, save it. Save it, man. What the hell are you going to charge him with? Illegal sale of a pair of smelly socks?

What are you talking about?

What's this? [pulls out a pair of socks from the Ziplock bag] What's this?! Panama brown? Huh? Hey, why don't you save 'em, pal? I like to wear the ones with the little turtles on the ankle pockets.

He was burning you, pal! Huh?! Good work, Hanson! Good work, Hanson! Good work, man, good licks! You just used up a punk we've been watching for six months on an ADW, which will be knocked down to brandishing by noon tomorrow! Even a boot like you should know that. [to a uniformed officer] Take him in, Artie.

Captain Jenko, look, I'm sorry. I-

Hey, man, save it. And don't call me "Captain!"

Look, I was just trying to do my job here!

Trying to what? Trying to cowboy the deal is what! Make a big collar, be a real cop. Now, with you being a real cop, I gotta pull Penhall out. Because every punk that's been hanging with Jase'll be able to make him easier than Elton John in a hat shop!

Okay, try that now.

(smirking) That's a nice car you got there, Doug.

It's not mine. It's Hoffs'.

[to Hoffs, gobsmacked] Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Really?

Yup. Try it again.

This is your car?

What's left of it, yeah.

Really?

Yeah, really! (in a stereotypical jive accent) See, they were just all out of those purple Caddys - you know, with the mud flaps, and the fur around the mirror, knowwhatimsayin'?

I learned how to speak English by watching Dragnet in reruns, and I used to think a stakeout was what you did to get a sirloin to go. Now don't ask me what I thought "assume the position" meant.

Another slamerino for the Kingpins!

Well, well, well. Farrrrrr out. Looks like we got a Japanese Elvis Presley, a pimp, and the butler.

With the budget we got, you're lucky we could afford to rent the pants.

Maybe you should go without the pants. Tell 'em you're a poor butler. [stands up, shouting] Judith Esther! If you don't get that dress on soon girl, I'm gonna come up there and staple it on! [back to the men] I got the fire department on standby. But the key word here, amigos, is prevention. So if and when you spot Miss Wacko, whoever, just waltz her right out of the place. Dig?

Well, that oughta be easy. I mean, we don't even know who we're looking for.

Well, leave it to your buddy there, Iceberg Slim. I understand he's got great instincts when it comes to the ladies. Right, Mr. Penhall?

Hoffs will be your date, Harry. Lucky Miss Kenny gets the butler, and Casanova, you know who you're with.

The one with the great personality. [to Ioki] Trade you for Hoffs.

Bud, I don't know if I'd trust you fucking my great-grandmother.

You know, I didn't think it was possible, but this prom was even worse than the one with Charles Tyrone Cannon throwing up in the back seat of his father's Cadillac.

I didn't just ask her; I broke that girl down in the produce section!

WE'RE THE MCQUAID BROTHERS HAH!

Studs and leather, here I come. KKK - awesome band.

Band?

KKK - Klean Kut Kids. It's a band. It's a gang. It's a floor wax. You gotta keep up with the popular culture, Hanson.

I see I'm going to have to put this into terms you can understand. That's my stepbrother Douglas. He's kinda lame, but it's not his fault. You kick his tail - he tells my stepdad - my stepdad kicks my tail. Then I'm going to have to come back here and kick your tail. So, why don't you leave him out of this and I'll just kick your tail right now?

Lookit...last night...

Yeah, last night.

I just wanted you to know that I didn't plan for any of that to happen. I just came over to drink those beers.

Come on, Penhall! Mr. White Knight arrives to console me. Next thing you know I'm in his arms, and then I...(long pause) Look, I feel like I've been taken advantage of here, Doug.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! I'm the one who came over to be consoled. I'm the one whose friend is driving around with a murderer. I'm the one who everybody thinks is crazy. I thought maybe you were a sympathetic ear.

Oh, so you're trying to tell me you didn't plan on getting me in the sack when you came over last night.

No.

Then why did you have those things with you?

"Things" with me?

You had condoms in your wallet, Doug.

I always have condoms in my wallet.

Yeah?

Yeah. Like...when you go for a drive. You bring a spare with you in case you get a flat.

That's just great! Judy Hoffs, road hazard!