Hoffs quotes from 21 Jump Street

You know, I didn't think it was possible, but this prom was even worse than the one with Charles Tyrone Cannon throwing up in the back seat of his father's Cadillac.

Now we're about four weeks ahead of you here, Hanson. So I'm going to have to rush you through some of the training.

What kind of training?

Hoffs! Gonna teach you how to be a teenager again, sport. How does that grab you? I'm talking about the bad kind. The kind that gets into trouble. The kind you're going to have to be like so's they think you're one of them. Dig. Hey, Hoffs! Wake up!

Relax, relax, I'm up.

Hoffs, Hanson. Hanson, Hoffs.

(slow, nervous smile spreading across his face) Hi.

Jude, run this cat down to wardrobe and see if we can take some of the cop out of his presentation. And for God's sake, do something about the Jack Kennedy haircut too, will ya?

Go with what Officer Hoffs tells you, Hanson. Been real, bro! Stick with Hoffs here and hook us up with a little field training tonight. [He gives Hanson an elaborate handshake which ends with Cpt. Jenko running his hand through his hair while Hanson's hand is still stuck out] Later!

(to Hoffs) Are you kidding me?

Oh, so Jenk's a little bit of a hang-on hippie. Big deal! 'Cause when it comes to going undercover, the dude is the best. [sticking out hand] I'm Judy Hoffs.

Uh, that's okay, honey. My people don't do that anymore. [gives regular handshake while patting Hanson's hand condescendingly]

Oh. [holds out bag of chips] Chip?

Okay, try that now.

(smirking) That's a nice car you got there, Doug.

It's not mine. It's Hoffs'.

[to Hoffs, gobsmacked] Really?

Mmm-hmm.

Really?

Yup. Try it again.

This is your car?

What's left of it, yeah.

Really?

Yeah, really! (in a stereotypical jive accent) See, they were just all out of those purple Caddys - you know, with the mud flaps, and the fur around the mirror, knowwhatimsayin'?

Lookit...last night...

Yeah, last night.

I just wanted you to know that I didn't plan for any of that to happen. I just came over to drink those beers.

Come on, Penhall! Mr. White Knight arrives to console me. Next thing you know I'm in his arms, and then I...(long pause) Look, I feel like I've been taken advantage of here, Doug.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute! I'm the one who came over to be consoled. I'm the one whose friend is driving around with a murderer. I'm the one who everybody thinks is crazy. I thought maybe you were a sympathetic ear.

Oh, so you're trying to tell me you didn't plan on getting me in the sack when you came over last night.

No.

Then why did you have those things with you?

"Things" with me?

You had condoms in your wallet, Doug.

I always have condoms in my wallet.

Yeah?

Yeah. Like...when you go for a drive. You bring a spare with you in case you get a flat.

That's just great! Judy Hoffs, road hazard!

How many times have you seen this?

122 times, but I don't watch the whole tape. I watch 3.3 seconds. 3.3 seconds that slipped through my fingers. 3.3 seconds where I could've done a thousand different things, but I didn't move. Do you know how many things you can do in 3.3 seconds? You can take off your shoes, pop a beer and shoot someone in 3.3 seconds.

Come on, Hanson.

You can hold your finger down on the remote control and pass 17 stations in 3.3 seconds. You can open a can of tuna fish, shuffle and bridge a deck of cards, or twist the tops off six bottles of ginger ale in 3.3 seconds.

Hanson, please!

You can ring a doorbell 22 times, lock and unlock a deadbolt four times, or sing the entire alphabet in 3.3 seconds.

Excuse me, Capt - (She sees Off. Hanson is at Capt. Fuller's desk with his feet up, eating grapes)

Can I help you, Detective?

Where's Fuller?

Bad clams. He left me in charge.

Yes, but I'm the senior officer next to the captain.

(smirking): You're a girl.

Hanson, if you don't tell me what's going on here (picks up letter opener), you, too, will be a girl.