Torchwood quotes

Jack

There you go! I can taste it! Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. Take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again.

Gwen

But those people, last night - the people in the car, who are they? What's Torchwood?

I dunno. Special Ops?

Gwen

Yeah, but what does that mean?

I'll bet you ten quid they're DNA specialists. It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI Cardiff, I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a meat kebab!

Jack

Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?

Owen

Er, yeah, that would be me. Sorry, I'm a twat.

Jack

This is Owen Harper.

Owen

Doctor Owen Harper.

Jack

And this is Ianto Jones [Ianto nods] Ianto cleans up after us, gets us everywhere on time.

I try my best.

Jack

And he looks good in a suit.

Ianto

Careful, that's harassment, sir.

Gwen

But hold on, if no one can see it when the lift's coming up, there's a great big bloody hole in the floor. Don't people fall in?

Jack

That is so Welsh.

Gwen

What is?

Jack

I show you something fantastic; you find fault.

Jack

All right, usual formation.

Gwen

What's the usual formation?

Owen

Varies.

Gwen

How can the usual formation vary?

Gwen

...Special Ops! I'm Special Ops...I'm with Torchwood.

Don't mess with me, little girl. You're not with Torchwood. And even if you were-

Jack

-You'd have put out the welcome banners. Now, first of all, she's no little girl. From where I'm standing, all the right curves in all the right places...but she is Torchwood, we both are, and we'd appreciate it if you'd leave us to do the real work. [holds hand out to Gwen] Shall we?

Owen

Make yourself useful, sweetheart; pass us the big chisel from the toolbox.

Gwen

Not sweetheart, Gwen. One syllable, sure you can manage it.

Owen

Not sweetcheeks? Freckles? New girl?

Gwen

[getting out chisel] It's a shame your tool's not big enough for the job, darlin'. Catch!

Gwen

He just...

Jack

[deadpan] Came and went.

Owen

Now that's how I'd like to go.

I'm sure we could arrange it.

Jack

What am I supposed to tell them? That their son died SCREWING some chick?

Owen

Happy birthday me. Oi, you lot, treat!

Wow.

Jack

Wow.

I thought she said she had a boyfriend.

Jack

You people and your quaint little categories.

We should really get her out of there...

Jack

Yeah... [pauses] I mean, yeah, come on!

Owen

I'll just... record a bit of this.

Gwen

Well, actually, um, we were sort of, well, snogging...

WE KNOW.

Gwen

So what's this supposed to do?

Jack

I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the intra-trajectory of the meteorite.

He means he's trying to find out where it's come from.

Jack

Hey! Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul!

Gwen

You don't know anything?

Owen

Not who he is, not where he's from, not anything. Except... him being gay.

Gwen

No he's not. Really, do you think?

Toshiko

Owen does, I don't.

Ianto

And I don't care.

Owen

Period military is not the dress code of a straight man.

Gwen

I think it suits him. Sort of classic.

Toshiko

Exactly! I've watched him in action, he'll shag anything if it's gorgeous enough.

Gwen

We know he's from America, right?

Owen

Don't even know that for sure.

Toshiko

No US citizen by the name of Jack Harkness born in the last fifty years.

Gwen

Maybe his identity's classified.

Ianto

Used to be something big in the CIA, that's what I reckon.

Gwen

He must have his reasons for wanting to keep things secret.

Owen

Sure he has. Doesn't stop me from wanting to know.