Torchwood quotes

257 total quotes

All Seasons
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Jack: There you go! I can taste it! Oestrogen. Definitely oestrogen. Take the pill, flush it away, it enters the water cycle. Feminizes the fish. Goes all the way up into the sky then falls all the way back down onto me. Contraceptives in the rain. Love this planet. Still, at least I won't get pregnant. Never doing that again.

Gwen: But those people, last night - the people in the car, who are they? What's Torchwood?
PC Andy: I dunno. Special Ops?
Gwen: Yeah, but what does that mean?
PC Andy:I'll bet you ten quid they're DNA specialists. It's all DNA these days. Like that CSI bollocks. CSI Cardiff, I'd like to see that. They'd be measuring the velocity of a meat kebab!

Jack: Before we go any further, who the hell orders pizza under the name of "Torchwood"?
Owen: Er, yeah, that would be me. Sorry, I'm a twat.

Jack: This is Owen Harper.
Owen: Doctor Owen Harper.

Jack: And this is Ianto Jones [Ianto nods] Ianto cleans up after us, gets us everywhere on time.
Ianto : I try my best.
Jack: And he looks good in a suit.
Ianto: Careful, that's harassment, sir.

Gwen: But hold on, if no one can see it when the lift's coming up, there's a great big bloody hole in the floor. Don't people fall in?
Jack: That is so Welsh.
Gwen: What is?
Jack: I show you something fantastic; you find fault.

Jack: All right, usual formation.
Gwen: What's the usual formation?
Owen: Varies.
Gwen: How can the usual formation vary?

Gwen: ...Special Ops! I'm Special Ops...I'm with Torchwood.
Soldier: Don't mess with me, little girl. You're not with Torchwood. And even if you were-
Jack: -You'd have put out the welcome banners. Now, first of all, she's no little girl. From where I'm standing, all the right curves in all the right places...but she is Torchwood, we both are, and we'd appreciate it if you'd leave us to do the real work. [holds hand out to Gwen] Shall we?

Owen: Make yourself useful, sweetheart; pass us the big chisel from the toolbox.
Gwen: Not sweetheart, Gwen. One syllable, sure you can manage it.
Owen: Not sweetcheeks? Freckles? New girl?
Gwen: [getting out chisel] It's a shame your tool's not big enough for the job, darlin'. Catch!

[at a scene where a man, Matt, has just been vaporised after having sex with the alien-possessed Carys]
Gwen: He just...
Jack: [deadpan] Came and went.
Owen: Now that's how I'd like to go.
Tosh: I'm sure we could arrange it.

[Gwen is trying to convince Jack to tell Matt's parents of Matt's death]
Jack: What am I supposed to tell them? That their son died SCREWING some chick?

[Gwen and Carys are kissing passionately in Carys' cell, while Owen watches.]
Owen: Happy birthday me. Oi, you lot, treat!
[Jack and Tosh come over to see]
Tosh: Wow.
Jack: Wow.
Tosh: I thought she said she had a boyfriend.
Jack: You people and your quaint little categories.
Tosh: We should really get her out of there...
Jack: Yeah... [pauses] I mean, yeah, come on!
[Jack leaves to the cells with Tosh]
Owen: I'll just... record a bit of this.

Gwen: Well, actually, um, we were sort of, well, snogging...
Owen and Jack: WE KNOW.

Gwen: So what's this supposed to do?
Jack: I'm using satellite tracking data to determine the intra-trajectory of the meteorite.
Tosh: He means he's trying to find out where it's come from.
Jack: Hey! Sometimes a little technobabble is good for the soul!

[The team discuss Jack]
Gwen: You don't know anything?
Owen: Not who he is, not where he's from, not anything. Except... him being gay.
Gwen: No he's not. Really, do you think?
Toshiko: Owen does, I don't.
Ianto: And I don't care.
Owen: Period military is not the dress code of a straight man.
Gwen: I think it suits him. Sort of classic.
Toshiko: Exactly! I've watched him in action, he'll shag anything if it's gorgeous enough.
Gwen: We know he's from America, right?
Owen: Don't even know that for sure.
Toshiko: No US citizen by the name of Jack Harkness born in the last fifty years.
Gwen: Maybe his identity's classified.
Ianto: Used to be something big in the CIA, that's what I reckon.
Gwen: He must have his reasons for wanting to keep things secret.
Owen: Sure he has. Doesn't stop me from wanting to know.