Ben and Malcolm in “Series 4, Episode 4”

Ben

Well, I could do some work, but you know what, we're still gonna lose.

Malcolm

Hey hey hey. Don't be so grim, you big quim. You are the future of this party, yeah? You are the next generation.

Ben

And you're in its past, I mean – I don't really know why you're still here, Malcolm.

Malcolm

I just want to see this thing turn around, right? I can't leave while we're getting fucked in the polls, and we're getting fucked consistently and repeatedly like a horse in the fucking Hebrides.

Ben

All very original observations, Malcolm MacIntucker, but what's the solution?

Malcolm

Nicola has to go. Today.

Ben

Oh, right.

Malcolm

You need to resign.

Ben

And challenge her for the leadership?

Malcolm

Ah, no. No, that would be petty and self-interested. No. You are doing this for the greater good of the party. As Deputy Leader, Dan Miller will take over, and he can be anointed at a later date.

Ben

So, you want me to stick my cock in a fan so that Dan Miller can become the next Prime Minister? Well fuck you very much, Malcolm. What do I get out of this?

Malcolm

I would not ask you to do this for nothing, would I?

Ben

You might.

Malcolm

I'm asking you, because you're a big fucking beast. Which is why, when you come back, it'll be as Foreign Secretary.

Ben

And you mean Foreign Secretary, that isn't code for, like, Northern Ireland, I'm not fucking going there.

Malcolm

This is the proper Foreign Secretary, with all the perks. Fuck-off breakfasts at Dubai hotels. Tours of secret Russian sex yachts.

Ben

All right! All right, I'll do it. And you know what? I'd have done it for a lot less.

Malcolm

I beg your pardon?

Ben

I'd have done it just to see the look on Nicola's face.

Malcolm

Oh. I've underestimated you.

Ben

(quite proud of himself) You have been out-maneuvered by a player. It happens.

Malcolm

Yeah, well...didn't used to.