JJJacques 'Jacques' Liverot
A cat meows. A horse neighs. A lion roars. A bird sings. A snake hisses. A human barks.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
On now to the money markets, and a quick look at the International Finance Arse. As you can see, the US and Japanese cheeks started off with a gap of 2.4, but increased trading forced the two together to form a unified arse at around lunchtime, which held for the rest of the day. In summary, then: oh no. Chris?
The echo from the nuclear bomb which destroyed Hiroshima is set to devastate the city again. Half of the original blast has ricocheted off Jupiter, and will strike Japan in 2041. It's not yet known if the city will be evacuated. I'm Rosy May. Tread not on the forest leaves, for you tread on my face.
Today is the anniversary of 1944.
Still to come: Controversy over new Treasury appointment.
MOMan on doorstep
I'm sick to death of this, all I ever get, "Treasury, Treasury, Treasury"! It's all I ever hear! I'm sick of it! I've had enough! Just all of you [beep] off!
JJJacques 'Jacques' Liverot
A man sees God in his car. He crashes.
Let's revolve the weather collar now 70 degrees to the Midlands, where I was first bereaved. And there'll be a large cack of heavy cloud covering the area, but it should stay dry enough for you to dance outside until our lord Beelzebub calls upon us. Now, if we revolve the throat circle back to the West Country, and you can see there'll be several gits of bad weather across most of the sky. Some rain, but no more severe than soft porn.
Back live now, progress on The Day Today smart bomb. Jonathan? [to offscreen] Get rid of Hurd! [Hurd's image is replaced with a POV of a cruise missile] Thanks.
JJonathan
Well, Chris, as you can see, there's the missile, cruising at around two thousand per second, trying to locate the target soldier it's aimed at...
[The TV image closes in on a screaming soldier]
JJonathan
There's the soldier. It goes in through the mouth. Down through the oesophagus, into the stomach, and there's the explosion.
Absolutely bang! That's The Day Today, bringing you another tear on the face of the World's mother! Alan, sport.
The Daily Mail: "Child Made of Paint Wins By-election".
The headlines tonight: Fist-headed man destroys church. Car drives past window in town. And Leicester man wins right to eat sister. Now fact me 'til I fart!
The American car company General Motors have today announced a cut in their workforce at their plant in Detroit. Our economics correspondent Peter O'Hanraha-hanrahan is there at the moment. Peter, what's going on?
Chris, it's a mass redundancy measure. It's the biggest lay-off in American industrial history. Thirty-five thousand jobs in one fell swoop, gone!
Thirty-five thousand?
Peter, there's only twenty-five thousand people at the plant.
That's right, Chris, mass redundancy on an unprecedented scale!
Well, would you mind telling me how the plant can function on minus ten-thousand workers?
[grinning] I don't know, Chris, you tell me!
I'll tell you what, Peter, you mean thirty-five hundred workers have been sacked.
...No. Thirty-five thousand, it's all here. [checks notes]
Let me see what you've got down there.
It's thirty-five hundred, you're right. I've made a mistake.
Peter, I want to s- I want to see it. I don't want to hear anything more out of your mouth, I don't believe it. Now show me your notes.
Yes!
It's thirty-five hundred.
Show me, I don't believe what you're saying, I just want to see the numbers. Now hold them up! [he holds them up briefly] Hold them up and keep them up! [he does so] And rotate them a hundred and eighty degrees in my favour! [as he does] Do it... Peter, what's that? [taps the monitor]
I don't have the monitor, Chris. I can't see what you're doing.
You know what I'm talking about, it's just above your right eye. [Peter points at a doodle] Yes.
A cobweb.
And how's a cobweb going to dig you out of your numerical mess?
I don't know.
Peter, you're lying in a news grave. Do you know what's written on your headstone?
"News?"
Peter, thank you.
JJJacques-'Jacques' Liverot
What... is a "gay"?
Gay Desk now with Colin Poppshed.
CPColin Poppshed
Thanks, Chris. Quick roundup of today's gayness, starting with the roads: The M70, the A3, the B664 and the A48(M), they are all gay as of midnight tonight. The gay elements are potassium, zinc, hydrogen, copper, and argon. A quick look at the world's walls: The Wailing Wall is gay, Hadrian's Wall is very gay, the Great Wall of China, that's not gay, and the Old London Wall has also stopped being gay. Gay cars next, they're the same as last night: all Volkswagens registered between 1982 and 1985, they stay gay for another fortnight. And finally, the gay seas are the Caspian and the Mediterranean... so, see you there. Chris?
Thanks, Colin. He's not gay, by the way. We wouldn't employ a homosexual.
Coming up: Clinton welcomed home after machine-gunning 400 buffalo.
TCTokyo Correspondent
Thanking you live from Tokyo, where it's 3:30 in the morning. That's minus seven in new Japanese time. In just seven hours, the first of thirty full-size duplicate Japans will be switched on, and all clocks will be reset to 00000. The new Japans have been three years in construction, involving perfect replication of cities and people and children. The raft of new countries, which extends over five thousand miles into the Pacific, has been hidden until now, but was spotted yesterday from an aeroplane. Japan has so far refused to comment.
ICItalian Correspondent
The Vatican realised the computer had been tampered with when they discovered that Jesus had died of food poisoning aged nineteen, and Lou Reed had been canonised as a saint.
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