(9-30-2008) They days of atonement are upon us. I apologize for being perfect. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-1-2008) I think. Therefore, you are. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-2-2008) It's snowing on Mars, so the following schools are closed. Microbe Academy, Bleep Blorp Elementary and St. Teresa's blessed crater. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-06-2008) Hey, I Am America: And So Can You! 2009 Desk Calender: how dare you be available in bookstores everywhere? Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-07-2008) The Bad news, the Dow dropped 500 points today. The Good news, I didn't know there were 500 left. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-08-2008) If it's called THE USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday? BAM. Busted! This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-09-2008) The names in this broadcast have been changed to protect the innocent. This Is the Molber Report!
(10-13-2008) Happy Columbus Day if your name is Christopher Columbus. Everybody else, back to work. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-14-08) They weren't booing at Sarah Palin at that Hockey game. The crowd was just getting in the Halloween Spirit. BOOOOOOOOOO. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-15-2008) I will not have 22 minutes for my rebuttal. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-16-2008) This show is 22 minutes. Let's round it up to an hour. That will be $800. This Is Joe, the Plumber Report!
(10-20-2008) If your actions speak louder than words, you're not yelling loud enough. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-21-2008) Hey America, you scratch my back, I'll demand you scratch my back more. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-22-2008) I swim against the Tide, with Bleach Alternative. This Is the Colbert Report!
(10-23-2008) Hey Pants, why should I have to put you on one leg at a time? I'm not like everybody else. This Is the Colbert Report!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Colbert Report pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.