(8-15-2008) If I had a quarter for every time I said I had a nickel, I'd have five times as much theoretical money. This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-26-2008) To the Democrats of the Mile High City, remember, if you drink liquor at that altitude, you might become interesting. This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-27-2008) Hey Democrats. I'm getting a little nervous that you haven't invited me to speak at your convention yet. Joke's over guys. This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-28-2008) Hey Obama. You wanna impress me with a speech on the 50 yard line of a football field? Give it during the game. This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-02-2008) Shave and a haircut. 9 bits. Inflation. This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-03-2008) Those Republican speakers dished out a lot of red meat last night. They should have their colons checked. This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-04-2008) Warning, I may contain more than a trace amount of nut. This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-15-2008) By the power vested in me, I now pronounce us, Host and Audience. You may kiss the screen! This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-16-2008) Hey TiVo users, watch for a hidden message during commercials when you watch them in their entirety. This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-17-2008) Hey liquid paper, your bottle should say you don't work on computer screens. This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-18-2008) I know the knife is suppose to go next to the spoon... but where does the gun go? This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-23-2008) Hey autumnal equinox, if the nights are getting longer, why is my show still only a half an hour? This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-24-2008) This message will self destruct, only if you have one of those new exploding TV's. This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-25-2008) Early to bed, early to rise. Makes a man miss my show. This Is the Colbert Report!
(9-29-2008) Nation, I will always make eye contact with you. This Is the Colbert Report!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Colbert Report pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.