(6-25-2008) What do I want? My own show! When do I want it? Now! This Is the Colbert Report!
(6-26-2008) I'm about to take two weeks off. You know what that means! Fresh Injuries. This Is the Colbert Report!
(6-26-2008) Many states don't allow the sale of fireworks. To me it's not the Fourth of July until I'm rolling on the ground screaming for somebody to put me out.
(7-22-2008) I'm a man of few words but I say them over and over and over. This Is the Colbert Report!
(7-28-2008) Do not store me near an open flame. My contents are under pressure. This Is the Colbert Report!
(7-29-2008) I always give a 110% so the way I see it, somebody gives me a 10% refund. This Is the Colbert Report!
(7-30-2008) For every action, I have a superior and opposite reaction. This Is the Colbert Report!
(7-31-2008) Frère Jacques, frère Jacques, dormez-truth? This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-04-2008) America, I wear the pants in this relationship. Most of the time. This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-05-2008) The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Just make sure to stab with an upward motion. This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-06-2008) You know what they say, if it ain't broke, let me at it. This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-07-2008) Take everything I say with a grain of salt, because my new sponsor is Salt. This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-11-2008) In case of fire, remain in your seats till I'm out of the building. This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-13-2008) If life gives you lemons, save the receipt! This Is the Colbert Report!
(8-14-2008) And tonight's Colbert Penny Pincher. If you're out of milk, add water to yogurt. This Is the Colbert Report!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Colbert Report pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.