Every time the President comes up with a new secret tactic to take down al Qaeda, the media blows its cover. Torture, monitoring our phone calls, monitoring our emails, secret prisons, all perfectly reasonable temporary concessions of freedom that will only be in effect as long as our never-ending war on terror.
When I decided to run for president, I did not do it for the attention. I did it to fulfill a dream, of being the most popular man in the world.
Using The DaColbert Code to predict the next President
The next President will live in the White House...white guy...Guy Smiley...smiley face...horse face...horseshoe...shoe box...Johann Sebastian Bach...Baroque music...Baroque Obama, NO!
[on his teleprompter being blank, thanks to the WGA strike] Jim, what the hell is going on? Where are my words?
JJimmy
We have no script, Stephen.
Why not?
JJimmy
The writers are on strike.
Yeah, I know that, Jim, I'm not a complete idiot. How does that affect me?
JJimmy
We have nothing to put in the prompter.
That's not my understanding of how this works, Jim. My understanding is that this little, this little, uh, magic box right here, it reads my thoughts and then it lays them up on the screen right there in little words that I read and--that my audience can hear my--it's a labor saving device, Jim, that's--that's how I understand this works.
JJimmy
Well, no, actually it's what the writers put in.
The writers. The guys on the fourth floor with the opium bongs playing Guitar Hero all day. You're telling me that those guys are responsible for what I say? I find that a bit of a stretch, Jim, I'm sorry. Get it fixed, and get it fixed now.
[on being shown Abraham Lincoln's hat] Forget about the Secret Service, where was the fashion police?
I tell you what: you ever see me wearing a hat like that, shoot me.
[on Abraham Lincoln's projected IQ] So it is possible that he actually shot himself in the head, while he was trying to comb his hair with a gun.
PZPhilip Zimbardo
Obviously you paid attention in Sunday school.
I teach Sunday School, motherfucker!
Hey, alternating current, why don't you just admit you're bi?
Now it seems the crooks charge twenty to thirty thousand dollars for a fake Ferrari body attached to an old Pontiac chassis, and here's how you sniff out a fake: take a pocketknife and scrape off some of the paint on the hood just behind the ornament. If it's a real Ferrari... someone will kick your ass.
It's no secret, folks. It's all over the news. We are living in some hard times. The economy is in the crapper, bin Laden is still at large, and Steve Gutenberg is on Dancing with the Stars. I wonder what star he's dancing with? Now I think, in fact, there wouldn't be any good news out there if it weren't for... Nazi gold.
(4-3-2008) It's not a recession, it's a correction. Correction, it's a recession. This Is the Colbert Report!
(4-7-2008) Remember the 80's? Then you're not part of my demographic. This Is the Colbert Report!
(4-8-2008) Sticks and Stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me. Unless you throw a dictionary at me. This Is the Colbert Report!
(4-9-2008) There are 8 million stories in the naked city. Most would look better with their clothes on. This Is the Colbert Report!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Colbert Report pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.