(05-20-2009) You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. It also makes them taste better. This Is the Colbert Report!
(05-21-2009) Green Day is here to talk about their new album 21st Century Breakdown. I believe it's about Windows Vista.
(05-21-2009) I'm all that and a bag of celery. I'm trying to slim down for bikini season. This Is the Colbert Report!
(06-01-2009) Congratulations to Conan O’Brien on his first show tonight, which I believe starts at midnight. This is the Colbert Report!
(06-04-2009) This shows got everything. From soup to nuts. By the way, stay away from the soup, my nuts were in there. This is the Colbert Report!
(06-15-2009) Bathing suit season is right around the corner. For you prudes who still wear them. This Is the Colbert Report!
(06-18-2009) To make a long story short, give Joe Biden a sedative. This Is the Colbert Report!
(06-19-2009) Summer is in full swing. Hey summer, consider a jock strap. This Is the Colbert Report!
(06-24-2009) You snooze. You loose. Unless it's a sleeping contest. This Is the Colbert Report!
(06-25-2009) Hey yogurt, if you're so cultured, how come I never see you at the opera? This is the Colbert Report!
(06-30-2009) Bernie, look on the bright side. When you get out, nobody will suspect a 221 year old man. This Is the Colbert Report!
(07-01-2009) Today's Canada Day and I celebrated it the way I always do, by not knowing its Canada Day. This Is the Colbert Report!
(07-02-2009) Next week, it's reruns. I'll still be here doing my show, but the cameras will be on vacation. This Is the Colbert Report!
(07-13-2009) A broken clock is right twice a day. So go out and get yourself 720 clocks. This Is the Colbert Report!
(07-14-2009) Tonight's the all star game. Don't let the exciting game fool you. It's still Baseball. This Is the Colbert Report!
(07-15-2009) Is this a wand in my pocket or am I just happy to see the new Harry Potter movie? This Is the Colbert Report!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Colbert Report pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.