(04-21-2009) For NHL scores and highlights, move to Canada. This Is the Colbert Report!
(04-22-2009) I float like a butterfly. Sting like a bee. And if that fails, I curl up like an armadillo. This Is the Colbert Report!
(04-23-2009) My show is suitable for ages 9 to 99. After that, you're Willard Scott's problem. This Is the Colbert Report!
(04-27-2009) I say potato. End of story. This Is the Colbert Report!
(04-28-2009) The Colbert Report is filmed before whatever follows it. This Is the Colbert Report!
(04-29-2009) Hey Mom, let me say in advance. Happy belated Mothers Day. This Is the Colbert Report!
(04-30-2009) I dunno how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. But it takes 12,809 to get to the center of an iPhone. This Is the Colbert Report!
(05-05-2009) Hey code breakers, heres a hint. Try Harder! This Is the Colbert Report!
(05-06-2009) If the eyes are the window to the soul, then why do they hurt when I spray them with Windex? This Is the Colbert Report!
(05-07-2009) Remember, when you hear the secret word, scream real loud. Tonight's secret word, SSHHHH. This Is the Colbert Report!
(05-11-2009) If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there to hear it, my illegal logging business succeeds. This Is the Colbert Report!
(05-12-2009) All proceeds of tonight's show go to a worthy cause. My advertisers. This Is the Colbert Report!
(05-13-2009) When in Rome, I find a McDonald's that they speak in English. This Is the Colbert Report!
(05-14-2009) Hey, blessings in disguise. What are you hiding? This Is the Colbert Report!
Catholics with options are called "Protestants."
(05-15-2009) No man is a failure who has friends... unless his friends are failures! This Is the Colbert Report!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Colbert Report pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.