(01-27-2009) America, here's my stimulus package! [Colbert takes off his glasses] Hello ladies. This Is the Colbert Report!
(01-28-2009) What do I have to do to get nominated for an Oscar? Make a movie? This Is the Colbert Report!
(01-29-2009) Scotch tape, either change your name or get me drunk. I nearly choked last night. This Is the Colbert Report!
(02-02-2009) It's Groundhog Day. Gentlemen, start your groundhogs! This is The Colbert Report!
(02-03-2009) Hey lady liberty, isn't time you settled down and found yourself a man? This is The Colbert Report!
(02-04-2009) Here's a brain teaser for ya. Your brain's ugly. This is the Colbert Report!
(02-05-2009) Don't put off till tomorrow what your team of personal assistants can do today. This Is the Colbert Report!
(02-09-2009) It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick. This Is the Colbert Report!
(02-10-2009) Let's agree to disagree with anybody who disagrees with me. This is the Colbert Report!
(02-11-2009) I'll never use steroids to get stronger. I just use them for the 'roid rage. This Is the Colbert Report!
(02-23-2009) When life gives you lemons, make scrambled eggs. I make terrible scrambled eggs. This is the Colbert Report!
(03-09-2009) By the way, when does daylight saving time start? This Is the Colbert Report!
(03-10-2009) I don't sugar coat the news. I drench it in high fructose syrup. This is the Colbert Report!
(03-11-2009) Hey Dr. Manhattan. Where is your blue glowing medical degree? This Is the Colbert Report!
(03-12-2009) Bernie Madoff: Here's some advice. On the first day of jail, find the biggest guy in the yard, and defraud him. This is the Colbert Report!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Colbert Report pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.